Finally went nutty... WARNING LONG POST!

Some of you may know my husband went to work in Kuwait for a while, fixing up computer stuffs in the hospitals and such...

anywhoo when he left (I HAVE THREE KIDS) I did not have a chance to express my feelings, I keep them in because I am always hardcore in front of my kids... I let them cry and I hugged them and told them daddy would be home soon without making them worse by crying too, and we talk to him on the web cam every day so I am doing alright, just a few tears now and then when the kids arent looking because I really really do miss him sooooooooo bad...


I guess I have been bottling a lot of things up, my mother in law asked me to come and watch her dogs because she is having a family emergency, 4 HUGE dogs, she wanted me to stay at her house for an amount of time which she never disclosed to me and take my three kids to stay there and take my dog too, who is tiny... well, i am under enough pressure taking care of myself and the kids without my husband but WOW add this to the mix. it makes for a pretty horrible emotional physically draining disaster!!


here is where my problems began, I didn't want to go stay at her house (i have my own) but she said the dogs couldn't sleep outside at night and couldn't be in the house alone, 4 huge dogs, three kids, and my tiny dog are too much for me to physically and mentally handle all together... but I said ok, because i felt bad for her and hoped when i needed someone to be there for me karma would have my back for doing this...


I had to keep her dogs from eating my dog, her dogs didn't listen to me and one ate my sons hamburger out of his mouth... I had to go out every day and fill in the holes her dogs dug, they trampled my son and scratched his face twice, there wasn't enough food there for me to eat unless i wanted some microwave dinners every day so I had to buy groceries, finally my dog lost control of herself and lost all house training and i had to bring her home and leaver her alone for one night (she shit my whole house and I had to steam clean the floor when i got home, but better than her shitting my mother in laws house and hearing her complain about it for years).


I had to call my mother in law and tell her there was no way I could keep watching the dogs, I needed to be in my own house. I feel more safe and STABLE here with my kids while my husband is gone........... By this point I was crying and telling her I was going to have to make an appointment with mental health, that everything over there was too much for me to handle and that I was too far in over my head and that I couldn't do it anymore (It felt like I was taking care of about 25 kids on my own 24 hours a day for 5 days in a row)......................


All week she kept making excuses as to why she wasn't home yet... and I kept asking when are you coming home, i need to go to my house, so she finally called someone else to watch the dogs so i could go home (who didn't show up till midnight and i had to wait in my car with my kids at waffle house to hand the key over to them), then my mother in law has the nerve to ask "but can you come back on Sunday" without showing any signs of being concerned for me because i was crying and about to snap... When I said "NO i can never watch the dogs for you again unless someone helps me" she says "oh then i need you to come back on Monday" WTF???


So I felt like i was being used as a servant, also being lied to because she would never tell me when she was coming home, and to top that off I am watching 4 huge dogs that take up more of my time than my kids do, trying to watch my kids at the same time, and trying to get my son to physical therapy without her dogs eating my dog

........... Finally she says "i don't know how to repay you, but family is supposed to do things like this for each other" NEVER ONCE A THANK YOU....... or a HOW ARE YOU FEELING NOW



She never once acted like she cared that I was so upset, Don't think she even understands the kind of pressure and stress I am under with three kids, a husband over seas, and her constantly asking me to do things for her EVERY SINGLE DAY, and all these things involve me wasting wasting $50 a week in gas to help her lazy ass out... She makes excuses every time I invite her to go somewhere with me, I try to be there emotionally for her because my husbands father is deployed too, but I shouldn't be picking up all his slack, because no one is here to pick up my husbands duties while he is gone.............. and I have three kids to take care of, she has her self to take care of............. I think I would need the help if anyone would.......



I told her I can not watch the dogs again, i cant handle it, so when i say this she says "i need you to start coming over every other weekend to watch them" WTF? and when I say no, she says "we will talk about it later" and hangs up the phone


Now that the whole story is out...

this hit me hard, all the emotions i have about my husband being gone and me missing him flooded back out, all the emotions i have about how i think she was trying to use me to save a buck on boarding the dogs, i also think she wanted me to be there so no one would break into her house and leave my house alone like my stuff doesn't matter, she expects me to drop my whole fucking life to come and watch some god damn dogs. just because i do not work at a "JOB" doesn't mean I don't have a ton of shit to do, I sew, take my son to pt and ot every week, go to the gym 5 days a week, i am a non stop cooking cleaning mommy machine and when i leave this house, it turns to shit, I am telling you if I do not clean it top to bottom on a daily basis the kids destroy it!

she seems to think that if she babysits once for me I am in debt to her forever and she always asks me to do these ridiculous things, and i usually just do them to keep her from making up gossip about me to email my husband in Kuwait (which she has done to an extent already, but me and him talk every day so we laugh about the shit she says)



AnywaYs after all was said and done, my train of thought was so whacked out i felt like i was on mushrooms without the fun parts............. I cried for two days, couldn't eat for two days, ran a fever, I am telling you this whole situation literally made me sick for two days! I think it all boils down to, I thought she was someone who gave a shit about me and just didn't know how to show it, but it turns out she thinks since I am married to her step - son I am here to do every bullshit job she asks me to do while her husband is gone, even though me being the mommy of three small kids, you would figure if I can get by without help, she could too!

FUCK I have to go talk to someone soon, I feel like I am going to explode........


I am still upset about all this shit and I came home last Friday, it keeps eating away at me just making me more and more bitter towards her about it... I would be there for her emotionally with her family crisis, but that doesnt mean I should have to uproot my whole family every time she needs to go out of town and literally move into her house untill she gets home


am i wrong to feel this way???

 

I myself cannot possibly imagine all the pressure you are under, having no experience with kids (or dogs for the matter)... so my advice may not be as valuable... yet something is better than nothing.

I am sure that your mother in law is not aware of the pressure you are in, or at least oblivious to it because of events in her own life. You said that she had a family emergency... which probably means that she has a lot on her mind, and well... people tend to think in a very minimized and single tracked way in such situations. I am sure that she has no negative intentions towards you or anything like that... but you shouldn't let it get you down... I am sure that she does not mean to take advantage of you or to make your life harder in anyway.... you are just not on her mind right now, and you're not a priority. It might hurt, but it's also something that you must understand. This does not reflect her regular opinion of you and behaviour... she is probably under extremely strenuous circumstances herself.

Your reaction is truly justified, and extremely understandable... I'm not saying that you are wrong in any way... I'm just suggesting not blaming your mother in law for this... I am sure that she will feel bad about this whenever whatever family emergency she has ends... I would suggest not bringing the issue up with her though, there is no need to put extra stress on her or to make her feel guilty... understand her, forgive, and forget.

But it does sound like you really need someone to spill your heart to... I would suggest finding a good friend though. Shrinks do "listen", but it such an impersonal relationship that they usually do not truly "understand", but only view the situation from a professional standpoint, which is not always corresponding to the emotional reactions of every individual. A friend who knowns you better can help you out and offer you much more practical advice, being familiar with you and your family.

Make sure to take it easy, stay away from your mother in law and her dogs and so on... she will later understand what you're going through and I'm sure that she will not hold a grudge against you for not caring for her dogs for a couple of days if she cares about you and your well-being... you've already done alot, and I must admit that your willingness to take her of her dogs is both beautiful and selfless. Don't blame yourself for not being able to finish it, it did sound like pure hell.

Anyhow, I'm sure that taking care of 3 kids (and a small dog) is extremely difficult, especially with your husband so far away and the emotional issues that result from it. Take it a day at a time, meditate or do whatever it is that helps you relax, make sure to find joy and strength in your kids, in talking to your husband online, and so on. I'm sure that you'll be alright

Anyhow, I hope that I helped, and if not... at least I listened

Stay strong... life is both fragile and beautiful... treat it gently.

 

Thank you so much, I didn't think I would get anyone to read the whole thing but that was all very awesome................

I feel so bad because I have talked to a few friends and instead of letting it all out and feeling better, it seems to eat away at me more and more and more... I just keep relating it to how the whole world takes and takes and a lot of people are forgetting how to give and it is getting me down........... It is like putting a microscope on my emotions and making them 100 times more intense =(

I don't want to talk to my husband about it any more because she has consumed almost every conversation we have had for the past month and I feel like it is causing so much stress for him, knowing she is stressing me out =(

I wouldn't be so upset if I hadn't spent the whole time my husband has been gone doing things for my mother in law... I just feel like every time I get into some kind of good schedule, something comes up and I run over there to take care of it, and then I completely neglect taking care of me =(

I just try to do everything everyone asks of me because I know I might need their help one day, but I just don't feel like there is a giving bone left in my body right now =(

 

I think that these emotions are just something you're going to have to face head on and learn to deal with. Repressing them truly does not seem to help. It might truly hurt now, but I'm sure that facing the problems right now will help in the long-run. It won't be easy, ofcourse... but it's good that you have friends that know about them... you have them there to support ya.

I think that you also need to learn how to say "No." You're a good person, and doing all these things for people is truly lovely... but, you have to start thinking about yourself. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your kids... your kids need you to be stable and a source of strength for them. I'm sure that not having their dad around is hard enough, especially at their young age. I'm sure that your kids are your top priority in life right now, and they live through you and are completely dependent on you... which means that you should make your well being your top priority as well, and this includes saying "No" to people... believe me, they will understand... I might be a tad too idealistic when I say this... but I think that people do not hold grudges against you just because you refuse to help them, especially if they are friends or family.... and ESPECIALLY in your situation...

...and honestly... people that don't understand or that treat ya worse for saying "No" are just not truly worth your time and attention... it's not a pretty thing to say, but you are a friend/daughter in law/so on... not, as you said, a "servant".

 

thank you again, i am working on the NO thing, it makes me feel so bad.......... and when i am not able to say no... i want to punch myself and i literally screamed at the top of my lungs the other day when i said yes to some other crap she asked (was asked if i can go to her house on the way to my sons pt and unlock the door for her maid, which is about 30 min out of my way, wtf? i just wanted to make nice after the dog fiasco, and I dont think she needs a maid, even if i had money for one i would clean my own house), the neighbors were asking me why i was screaming the next day..............................

 

No worries

I can easily relate to the not being able to say "No"... I had to learn the hard way... I put other people before myself to such an extent that I completely forgot about myself, repressed my feelings, and it eventually all just hit me hard at once... no fun.

So yeah... just do it, you know...

Anyhow man... I honestly wish you luck and all that good shit. I'm just glad that I could help a bit

 

you honestly helped more than my friends here.... they listen but they stay in their own little worlds... all the advice i get around here is "fuck that shit" and since I have a larger vocabulary than that it doesn't help, so I am really glad that you took the time to respond....................

 

Oh man, yet again... no worries ... I just hope that some mama responds to ya too, because I honestly cannot give ya real feedback about the kids and all of that...

 

Oh girl! I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles! You are not alone though, because I don't think there's anyone out there who hasn't had a nasty experience with the in-laws. I also have a hard time saying no, mostly because I'm forced to feel like I owe these people something. I told you how Ian's aunt is our landlady? she wants us to fix this place up so that Ian's mom can move in (which is a whole 'nother issue...ugh) but Ian works nights and they expect him to stay up and hang dry wall, and I'm expected to do the same sort of shit even though I have ZERO construction experience and 4 kids to watch..."oh, they'll be fine, just put the baby's shoes on and let him play outside...." Yeah, so he can run out in the road and get run over. And when Ian and I were less than 100% happy about this, his aunt got all pouty and started making comments about how we were acting like we didn'rt want her around, even though she was trying to help us.....how do you react to dumb shit like that?

It's alot easier said than done, to put people in their place....especially when they're your in laws. I could have told his aunt to bite my shining white ass, but lord knows I don't need the drama that would've come with it.

All I have to say is that it was VERY disrespectful of your M-I-L to do you like that, knowing that you have 4 kids and your own home to take care of. She sounds like a not - so- nice lady. It's even worse to hear that even though you were obviously having issues, she refused to let up. I know it's easier said than done, but if she doesn't care about your feeling then you need to stop caring about hers. It's a sad fact that there are alot of people out there who will take advantage of your generosity and good nature if you let them. Save your generosity for people who will appreciate you and who aren't out to suck you dry. I know she's your hubby's mama, but if she's can't even act like she wants anything to do with you besides running errands and shit, then she's not worth your energy.

 

its ok to take some time to focus onyoruself and your kids til you feel a little more well balanced. its ok to be a little selfish so that you dont crack. if this woman can afford a maid, she can afford a dog sitter as well

 

thank you guys for writing, I am just trying to keep myself sane and my kids happy till hubby comes home. and i think that pulling up my roots every weekend to dog sit will literally drive me friggin bananas... I said no 100 more times, I feel bad getting meaner and meaner. I even told her all my reasons, and she was like, if you don't want to do it just say no. I had to tell her that I wanted her to know why I didn't want to do it so no one could be mad at me about it............................

 

sounds to me like she's just taking advantage of your kindess try not to let that happen but it's hard i let it happen to me all the time by the way how are you feeling now? better i hope
peace and love

 

Sweetheart, you are NOT wrong to feel the way you do. I know myself, I'd feel the same way. I think sometimes people forget what it's like having young children to care for 24-7, which could be what your MIL is guilty of.

I love my MIL, but I have issues with her too. I could see her doing something like your MIL is doing in a heartbeat. No doubt.

I'd start screening my calls if you're not already.

{{{Hugs}}}