Finding a new girl for my boy.

I decided I really ought to let him go -- I don't do anything that anybody else couldn't do, and he has already said we could never have any kind of "relationship" because "we would kill each other."

So I want to find another girl to take my place. Not my specific place, because I am basically just a glorified unpaid prostitute for him -- but a real girlfriend and lover.

It's hard though, because once I let him go I will feel useless (well, even more so than I do now ) and probably kind of low on myself (again, more so than now) for a little while, and so I'm reluctant.
Not because I'm afraid of the loss of him, because I don't really have him to begin with, but my loss of purpose in that respect -- it always hits me kind of hard when I'm reminded that the only purpose I have to another human is sex.

I'm good at being alone (I always am) and like being single (I've never been in an actual relationship); I don't need someone else to make me feel good. But I do hate feeling useless.

Does anyone have any tips about either finding girls to replace you, or doing something to combat the useless feeling? I know this is kinda weird, but hey, this IS hipforums ...

 

Dang, Suncatcher! You're taking enabling to a whole other level! Let the dude find his own women! Seriously!

If you don't want to feel useless, do some volunteer work someplace. There's lots of places out there that could use your help. Just look around.

 

I'm rather inclined to agree with Mab - if you're ready to end your relationship, then do it... and let him choose his own new girlfriend.
love,
mom

 

Suncatch, woman, you're so damn complicated and I mean it in not a good way!...
Find a man on your own, fall in love, let this ex-guy find (or not find, that's up to him) new girlfriend and simplify your relations!...

 

He doesn't really want it to END, though, see -- with me, he can get free milk without owning the cow, so to speak, and so what if that means both of us stagnate?

So I want to find someone who can maybe be better for him, so I can move on and maybe someday find someone who can be better for me.
And it makes sense that I can achieve this result by giving him some incentive.

 

Honestly, after i've read this i think that you're crazy.

 

If YOU want to move on, inform him so, and MOVE ON!

You need to end it this way for YOU. I've read some of your other posts, and I know you've somehow been programmed to please at your own expense. You need to break this pattern for the sake of your own well-being. TRY!

 

I know. I just don't want to feel selfish about it, and ... I do.

And PS: I AM crazy, so ...

 

Since he is NOT in a relationship with you, and just wants sex, guess what? YOU get to be selfish about things if you want to! It's YOUR body to control, and YOU get to be generous or selfish with your body as YOU please. You don't owe him a thing, Suncatcher!

 

I remember last year I was reponding to a post in the women's forums about how I would never date a guy who made less than me and about how much older and wealthier than me the guy was who I was dating at the time who I was asking the question about. You basically called me a whore and told me you were happy with your 'poet boyfriend' because you thought rich guys were assholes. Things ended with that guy because of the age difference not because he was a jerk.
You also basically called me a whore because I don't offer to pay on dates. I have never paid on a date with my current bf and he has never complained and he def knows I am not a whore. You also called me 'whorish' another time when my long distance bf at th time bought my plane tickets to go see him each time I visited. I knew were a lot and I was really appreciative because I couldn't have afforded to see him otherwise. I wrote that so h would read it and know how much it meant to me that he always bought them-not so you would call me a whore. He also did not think I was a whore.
I think you need to let go of your attitude and let someone love you and take care of you. I know it's riskier than letting someone do things for you and getting used to it and then there's that possibility that they will leave, but that's love and the risk you have to take to find it.
Also, stop the judgement about women who do let guys take care of them. I have never encountered the problems you are going through and trust me...it's not because I am a whore as you have implied numerous times in the past.
I have tried ot to bring that up and to forget the things you have said when responding to your threads, but now they are jut getting fucking crazy

 

^^^ well said

suncatch, its not your responsibility to find him a new pussy to plug his dick into. its youre responsiblity to mak eyourself HAPPY

 

Oh, ouch. I didn't ever mean to call you a whore, seriously -- I'll admit, I can't understand why a woman would ever let a man take care of her, but if you want to, okay.
I guess what I meant was, giving sex to a guy so he will be good to you financially seems like glorified prostitution. But I won't lie, I give sex to guys so they will be nice to me, period, and that's prostitution of its own kind. You are probably not a whore -- I am, though, big time. And I mean that.

A few more refutes and clarifications:
Rich guys kind of ARE assholes -- never met one who was genuinely nice.
Poor guys are all right, but a lot of them are assholes too.
And the poet boyfriend stopped being my boyfriend, and became a rich guy who dates rich girls who like to be taken care of.

I guess I'm crazy 'cause I am deeply fucked up. I know it, though, and am trying to talk myself out of it. It's taking me some time, and sometimes it spins out of control, especially if I am right in the middle of it. Twenty minutes later, or in the morning, I sometimes feel saner.

 

In healthy relationships, men and women take care of EACH OTHER.

 

That would be great.

Usually I end up being the one who takes care, providing the other partner with a place to sleep, things to eat, emotional support, plenty of sex, other girls to give him the things he wants but I can't give ... wife and whore, pimp and prostitute, in one. All in the hopes of being reciprocated with kindness and maybe feeling like I've got a purpose. But it never is enough, he always wants more -- a softer mattress, different food, more or less empathy, better or more sex, prettier or better girls. It's turned me crazy and bitter, I need to cut it out and stand up for myself, but ...
It seems odd and counterintuitive, to me anyway, to want to be taken care of at all in any sense. I can see how others might want it, but not me. Maybe I just have shitty self esteem.

 

Sounds like it. But... if you can see that, why not work on it? ((((((hugs!!!)))))) Unfortunately that's not the kind of thing that fixes itself. And MOST guys out there aren't gonna want to help you with that - 'specially if they can get everything THEY want with you staying just the way you are!
love,
mom

 

I am sorry sweetie. We're all deply fucked up in our own way. the challene is learning how to balance that with reality, which I am not saying I am great at. PS-my bf does not think I am a whore because he pays for dates-I just asked

 

I haven't had any complaints

 

It sounds like you want to nurture someone, but you're just going about it in a self-destructive way. You allow the person you're trying to care for to abuse your kindness. How do you feel you could turn that around, Suncatcher?

 

SUNCATCH YOU ARE SUCH A SWEET PERSON TO ALWAYS WANT TO PLEASE EVERYONE ELSE BUT OBVIOUSLY IT HASN'T BEEN WORKING FOR YOU. everyone here has been so positive for you and we have offered you such great advice i pray and hope that you can overcome you r self esteem issues.you deserve to be loved for who you are and not what you can provide whether it be for sex or a meal.and yes we all have insecurities but you should really try to love yourself and stop worrying about the assholes.let him find his own girlfriend you have done quite enough for him already.

 

Suncatch-- I know exactly what you're going through because I'm going through it too. The relationship i just got out of, I had to do it, in order to save my conscience, by finding him a replacement for me. I don't know if that was a good descion or a bad. I know what it's like to feel useless, like your only purpose is to provide the other person with sex and whatever they want. I think it has something to do with the fact that women, naturally, want and need to be needed. People like us just take it too far. I think it is low self esteem. I just never saw anything in myself that a guy could want or need besides the obvious. I've never been able to grasp my own value as a person.

If you want to find him another girl, it might be the easiest way to get out of the "relationship", but also the most painfull. If you don't... well, you'll keep on like you are. but that's obviously not any good for you.


I agree with not wanting to be taken care of by a guy. I find it so hard to accept anything from a guy, be it him trying to buy me dinner on a date or what have you. But neither way is very healthy. like that other post said, we have to take care of eachother, it shouldn't be an all-or-nothing thing... I don't know, I'm not really any help, I guess, except to say, I know what you're going through... *hugs