Problems with husband, his childs mother, and my marriage. Among other things

I thought this might fit into this forum. I need some advice. Well I need to know what someone would do in my situation. I need to see if some people see where I'm coming from.

I got married last May. I got pregnant a month after that. My son is 3 months old now. Last month a DNA test came back and said that my husband was the father of a child that is almost 2. The mother never informed him of it. We had no knowledge of it. She was on welfare the whole time so the state made her produce a father. Also not that it matters but she named it after her fiancee!

Ok now here is where it gets tricky. My husband doesn't want anything to do with her or her son due to the fact he's never even seen him and has no relationship with him what so ever plus he's 350 miles away. That's his choice. However the state is making him pay over half of his income to her and the state for back child support due to her. However I'm not sure how she's entitled to back child support if the state was giving her money plus back support to the state for welfare payments. We cannot survive. We don't even know how we are going to pay our bills and buy food this month. We don't have any bread, no chicken, and I have decided the cell phone bill cannot be paid this month because we have to pay rent. And this is the way it's going to be every month from now on. I went out and got a job in order to make up for some of the money.

I've decided to get a divorce. For one I hate my husband for doing this to us and not being more responsible than to just get someone pregnant that wouldnt' even tell him in the first place. I'm also mad that he cannot support his family. I don't care working. But my husband can't even pay our rent now with his paychecks! I also feel like a loser because my husband is associated with a drug addicted mother who will not work and therefore I feel I'm associated with her and I can't handle that. I feel like trash. She's so bad on drugs that her sister told us she uses all of her money on pills and begs them to buy her baby things. Like diapers and when he was on forumula she got WIC and she even traded those checks for pills or ateleast a deduction of the pill cost from the drug dealer.

So I've told my husband to leave. If some of you were in this situation what would you do? All I know is that I'm so enraged that I can't sleep for worrying about how we are going to make it, I'm so mad at him for this, and I'm mad at myself for marrying him, and I just want to take all of my things in the house and just break them I'm so angry. I can't get rid of my frustrations and the only way I know how is to get rid of him. If I get rid of him I get rid of that situation.

 

This is a sad situation for two main reasons. One is that you are not dedicated to your husband enough to deal with this situation that started before you were together, and two, for your husband not wanting anything to do with his child.

Child support laws can truely suck in a situation like this. When a man with no knowledge of a child is being forced to pay child support arrearages tt makes for a seriously hopeless financial outlook. Yes it is irresponsible for your husband to have gotten someone pregnant, but how many of us always were safe and protected in all of our sexual activities, always?

You husband should seek contact with his child. Were it my child, and the mother was a drug addict I would seek custody. I don't care if that process left us broke. I could never understamd or respect a man that wouldn't want anything to do with their own child no matter who the mother is.

He needs to seek some family law legal counseling and really figure out the laws on childs support ammount based on his income.

If you are not willing to stand behind him on this perhaps you really don't love him and weren't ready for marriage anyway. You know those parts in the vows where you say things like for richer and poorer and through the good and bad. Of course any man who wants nothing to do with his child probably doesn't deserve that kind of dedication either.

Look, I'm really sorry you are in this situation and I know it sucks. I know my post is pretty harsh, but this is how I feel. I hope it works out for you, but your husband needs to man up and take responsibility for his child, both financially and as a father.

 

We spoke to a lawyer. He said there's no way we can get custody. He said he would help us pursue it if we wanted but we can't just go up in court and say "she's a drug addict" and then the judge take our word on it. We called child protective services twice and they said they couldn't find any evidence of neglect or abuse. Apparently according to the lawyer the courts won't take a child away from their mother unless she just really deliberately abuses it like burns it or breaks it's bones. They LOVE keeping children with their mothers. Even crappy ones.

Second of all SHE doesn't want my husband to have anything to do with the baby. She's moving out of state thinking she can live somewhere undisclosed so he can't find her to sue her for custody. He's not following because like I said he doesnt' even know this child and has never seen it. I think he would rather not get an attachment to a child he knows he will never see.

The Judge ordered a very small amount only 341.00. But apparently the arrears are almost twice that a month. Plus they are suing for back child support on top of arrears. Not sure why. So the child support enforcement poeople are the ones doing him in the butt on this.

Anyway no I don't love my husband. I used to. But I don't love him now. So it makes it a lot easier not to stand behind him on this. So anyone else have any opinions. I see where people think he's probably crappy not wanting to have anything to do with this other child but honestly if it were me I wouldn't want to either.

 

for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer

no? if he was just your bf i could understand but you call him your husband. i know its a rough situation but i think it would be better for both of you if you were there for him

 

hmm...
the only thing I can think is PI, but it doens't seem you could afford one =/


the overall situation, it was an accident from a bad decision, your husband had no wrong intent
I agree with Allonym
you bitch about your husband doing something so stupid and getting such a bad person pregnant
yet, you married a guy you obviously aren't very devoted too
who's the asshole now?

 

Well, IF you're in the USA, It's a case of tough shit for his paycheck. IF she applies for, and is granted welfare checks, TheyCAN and WILL take it out of your husbands paycheck until the child turns 18 yrs. And there isn't SHIT he can do about it if as you say, the DNA matches his.

 

Look I think you should ditch him because he isn't interested in seeing his kid. What kind of people can just blow off their own flesh and blood. Fuck that. Be glad you haven't had kids with him. You could be guilted into staying with him but this relationship is probably going down here soon anyway. He got him self into all this and he has to deal with the consequences. Thats real life. I hate to sound uncaring but I recommend running now.

 

We all make mistakes, honey. It will be hard, but I think you will do just fine. You shouldn't stay if you are not happy. I know there is some things we must do in life, have no choice, but staying in an unhappy marriage isn't one of them. I wish you well.

 

I say divorce him. You are obviously not a very decent wife, or a very decent human being for that matter, to abandon your husband when he probably needs you the most. The last thing he needs is someone like you around, making matters worse.

This is what happens to people who get married for the sake of having someone else take care of them financially. You probably deserve it.

 

It doesn't sound like either of you was really ready for this commitment. That's really a shame. Though, probably fortunate you found out now instead of years down the road.

 

It really doesn't matter that your husband doesn't want to take care of his own kid, at this point. He doesn't have a choice. And if she's a drug addict, the least you both can do is call child welfare and get the poor kid taken away from her. But I can't even tell if that's a fact or an unwarranted accusation.

No, I can't see you're side of the story. I think you're completely and entirely, 100% wrong. But it doesn't really matter. You're not mature enough to be married, and neither of you are mature enough to have kids. But you are, and you do. Do what you will, and avoid reproducing any more until you both grow up.