I'm finding myself in a bad place..

Well, sometimes late at night, I get sad and even cry. To be completely honest, this is one of those times, and that is why I am writing this.

It is too late to talk to anyone - and one of the things that's bothering me is that the people I had to talk to are running out.


Basically, I feel alone. I mean, I moved out at 17 (I'll be 19 on July 19th). I got a job working as a housekeeper at a hotel, and saved enough money to go to college for a semester. The second semester was paid for by a student loan.


It's now summer and I have a few thousand dollars to pay off in student loans, my friends and I from my childhood are drifting apart (that's a-whole-nother thread in Random Thoughts), my boyfriend who I trust with most things and talk to about most things is in the Army and he is currently on the other side of the country, mostly unavailable to talk (especially at times like these when he's 4 hours ahead), my mother and I are currently not speaking as I tried to confront her with some trauma from my childhood and she got very upset, and one of my best friends who I feel is very similar to me is away for a couple months.

I feel very alone. I know that this is temporary (a few months) but I just really feel sad. My logical side tells me that I'm just feeling down, but my emotional side just wants someone to talk to. I thought about calling one of those help lines but I decided that I really didn't want a volunteer (that I probably work with somewhere) listening to me. I want to talk to someone that knows me. But I feel like there's no one who knows me anymore.

Even some of my friends who I would label as my closest friends, I feel, don't really know me or how I feel.

I seem to live a kind of fraudulent life. I have two successful jobs right now (for a student) - both for non-profit organizations. One pays me 12/hour and one 18/hour. One is full time (12/hour) and one is part time (18/hour). I feel like my schedule is overloaded with responsibilies but I feel that I can't get out of them (both are on contracts, and I want to pay my student loan off before I go back because I'm finding just having one is stressful and I don't want it to accumulate). People at work think I am a well rounded young lady who is driven and motivated.

Aquaintences think I am an individual who has it all together.. but I don't.


I just feel alone right now, and I wish things would have turned out that I had someone who I could talk to who knows me. I don't know how to make new friends. I don't know how to get people to know me. I don't know how to choose who. In elementary school, I grew up with those friends. They grew up with me. That's how they knew me. My boyfriend knows me because we've shared intimate moments, thoughts, and feelings together, but I find it very difficult to share any vulnerabilities with friends.

As I'm writing this, I feel a slight paranoia that someone I know will find this and know my secret - that I am often depressed. I have success in how today's society coined the term; but I just don't feel happy.

I wish I knew more people who appreciated my philosophies on life, and I wish I knew more people (even if online) who I could talk with.

When I was a young teen, I had many friends both online and offline. It helped because no matter what, I had someone to talk to. Now, however, I'm just so busy. It seems like I've lost everyone, and the people who are left are unavailable long-term.

I just don't know how to make myself feel happy right now.

 

I can relate to you, is not the exact situation but I think the feeling is the same. I want to say dont be ashamed of being depressed, but it is easier to pretend to be ok than having people all over you, asking but why, and giving me motivational speeches that I hate, I know they are trying but if you dont understand just give me a hug and dont say anything because it just makes me feel worse.
I dont know what to tell you exceot that there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable to emotions and there is nothing wrong with not being happy all the time and that there is a lot more people than what you imagine feeling the same thing, so dont feel alone.
A big hug for you.

 

Thanks for the hug.

I keep repeating the famous words from Ghandi in my head: "Be the change you'd like to see in the world."

I just don't know what I would like changed. I just know I don't want to be alone.

 

I know what you mean, I think it helps to not think it as a whole but of one single thing, because when you think of everything it can be overwhelming. I've been doing that changin slowly they way I do things and my whole "lifestyle" and just those things that make you feel worse about yourself, but it takes time and you cant do it all at once and it is a struggle. I think it helps when you can identify what you dont like and why and find ways to make it better, instead of just sink in everything's wrong, it's too hard, what Im gonna do.. (not saying you do that, but I do) and just focus on what YOU can do and there's a lot you can do.. even little things that make you feel a lot better about who you are and your life.
and you are not alone, that's the magic of the internet... you are in canada, and im thousand of miles away in santo domingo... but, right now, we are both coinciding here, so you are not so alone..
that's one of the things i've discovered recently, people dont actually need to be next to you, so you can feel they are there.

 

Well..sorry you feel so alone and sad. I would maybe look into some anti depressents if things worsen. As far as finding others to talk too. I wish you luck with that as well. I say reach out and maybe make an online pen pal or something. Put yourself out there more in life as well. if you dont open up some or speak of your feelings..it will jus build a catalyst and you will start to self destruct. Go to who ever you can and jus tell them you need someone to talk too. One of them will listen! And know that things will get better and keep your optimism! When things are the lowest points and..they have to come up eventually. Open up more in the meantime. TALK TO PEOPLE..TRy and make more friends! When you walk past someone..say hello. Ask how they are etc..When you see a co worker..ask how thier day was..Things will look up! best of luck! I hope you get to feeling better!

 

Thank you both for the advice. You're right Auntentique, I can talk to people online. I don't necessarily need a physical hug or a physical ear, as long as someone responds with compassion, I think it helps me.


MatthewShane, thank you for your advice. You're right. I should open up more to people. I took your advice (a little). I told my roommate who I don't know very well (she moved in not too long ago and our land lady chooses who moves into the house, not us, so i didn't really get to know her before she moved in). I didn't tell her any details.. I remained quite vague about it. I only said basically what I've said in this thread, but with more emphasis on the problems I've been having with the relationship with my mother. I didn't tell her any specifics on that, except to say that we haven't been seeing eye to eye and due to an incredible lack of understanding of each other, we haven't been able to communicate properly.

Talking to my roommate helped because she was able to relate to those basic feelings of frustration and aloneness.

I'm feeling a little better, although I do find myself on the verge of crying at moments when I'm left too long to think (like driving, even if the music is on). I am hoping that is normal, but I'm now having a more recent worry.

I haven't done any physical exercise, and I haven't been sleeping any differently, but my body feels sore. I've been sick the last few weeks and I have been quite weak; but this feels different. There is nothing I can do to feel physically better. My back kills, my muscles hurt, my stomach hurts, I get headaches, my entire left leg was killing me all night last night and was still hurting all day today.

Could psychological stress be making me physically hurt?

 

depression can make you feel sick and have physical pain.

 

It's good that you have identified what is hard at the moment and wanting to talk is an very important part. I would say that you never really know how much someone knows you, until you find yourself in a situation where you need to talk - give it a go - they may know you better than you think.

There are times when things just get too much, stress causes so many problems and makes people feel they are alone as they may not see that others feel similarly! It sounds like a difficult time and hopefully you can find a way that works best for you!

Maybe try writing what is happening and what your feelings, thoughts and behaviours are and then perhaps try and work on one of those to break the circle - helps for many!

 

It is hard growing away from your old friends but it happens to a lot of us. I have some suggestions but only you can decide where you want to go with this.


This is a good place to start, reaching out to people who have been where you are or are currently going through the same things.

Try keeping a journal. Who better to talk to than yourself. Find out where you want to go with your life.

Keep busy. Do some volunteer work, help out old people.

Don't try to make yourself happy. Get to know yourself and give to others. You'd be surprised how that can help.

If all else fails talk to a therapist. Sometimes just one or 2 sessions help alot. Don't try meds unless you really get bad, you've tried everything else and are still on a downward spiral.

If you need a hand to hold you can grab on to mine and I am sure there are others out there who feel the same.

 

I'm really surprised and happy about the compassion I have received here.

Thank you for your advice. I definitely won't turn to meds --- I don't really like the idea of them as a personal thing.

In fact, I did something that made me feel good today. See, I work for a non-profit children's organization and we had fruit donated to us from a local farmer's market for a picnic we had. We had a huge box of oranges left, and after talking to some people at work, I found a great and deserving community centre. It's a community centre located very close to a low-income housing area where mothers will go for food for the day. I went to deliver the boc of oranges. I'm a pretty weak person and was in small heels, so when I tried to open the door (I guessed which door and got it wrong), I dropped the box of oranges. A lady opened the door and helped me pick them up and I made a little joke by saying, "Well I guess I should tell you they've touched the ground." As I walked back to the car and watched the local kids on their bikes, I felt I was doing a good thing.


On a side note, the girl who opened the door for me looked strangely familiar...