A Life Transition Point?

I find myself at what feels to me like a turning or tansition point in my life. I have that sense that things are about to change in some very fundamental way. But I have no sense as to how. I'm just not recieving it. Maybe I'm blocking because I'm scared. I'm not sure what the Universe is about to deliver. I could be wrong about all this, but I do have that sense of impending change. I know what I'd like, and feel that this colors my thoughts on the subject.
I invite input from anyone who feels they might have some guidance for me at this time. I want to make the most of whatever it is. I'm feeling cautiously optomistic and expectant, but lost. Thanks.

 

oh wow... sounds exactly like where I am at

just go with it

 

Maybe it is something that is psychicly going around - Hah! Where the planets are, or something. I got brave starting this thread, a part of me is almost afraid to find out.

 

Yes, something you'll like, it seems...like a light turning on in your life. Be patient and expectant, and just let it unfold.

 

Thanks so much for the input zengizmo.

God, yes!!! I DO need a light to turn on in my life.

I've been drug down for so long, that it just seems like there is no up any more.

Time for some sunshine.

 

Yeah, was it Ken Kesey who wrote the book called, I've Been Down So Long, It Looks Like Up to Me? I've been there too, many many times, and I see and feel where you are. And again: I felt a light coming. A breath of fresh air, an oasis in the desert. Hang in there, buddy.

 

The light was never off
Is within you all the time
Your starting see your own glow
That which is within is healing
Go with your flow

(((((hugs)))))

 

Thanks zengizmo. I've sort of had inklings of what your sensing. But when I get little bits and pieces that look like what I want, I fall into distrust. Thinking that I'm seeing my own desire, instead of previews of the flow. Especially after being lost for so long.

 

Hey Star! You always show up in the darndest places. Didn't know you had "the knowing". But, that figures. Thanks for your support and good vibes.

 

Don't distrust your desires, either, Mojave. Oddly enough, we have the power to materialize our deepest desires.

You're a bit like a whipped dog, buddy. And don't think I don't know how that feels. Part of your challenge at this point is to open up and trust the universe yet again.

Star kinda showed up suddenly out of nowhere, didn't she? Wonder how that happened...LOL Every day is a new start, Mojave. Believe.

 

Oh yes Zengizmo, I have been steam rollered and deprived in many ways for a very long run. And yes, I have been diminished, maybe even broken in some ways by it.

I hate to admit it, but, I think I'm at a point where I have to see the goods delivered, before I gonna believe that they're comin'.

Yet, at the same time, there has been this level of unexpected "UNIVERSAL" support that has amazed me, which has always kept me from complete disaster at the very last minute, every single time. And for which, I am VERY greatful! And do give many thanks for.

And, my Taurus stubborness, has kept me slogging on. At times it is a very positive attribute.

But, I do SO need a break from this pattern.

I often wonder "WHY" this course came about. Mistakes in this life? Former lives? Or, just "THE" challenge of this one? But, I'm not sure that it really matters one way or the other.

I'm not all down and out. I still appreciate life. But, the shadow is there whole lot more than I'd like it to be.

Guess I'll see what happens tomarrow. The sun could come out, and, it could all change just like that!

Thanks so much for your input.

 

You sound so much like my own thoughts so many times that I had to check twice to make sure it was your post and not mine. LOL It's a bit freaky, to tell you the truth.

Well I think we both have some angels, anyway--and I think Star is one of yours.

 

Yes, I think you are right about the Angels!

 

And I think you know more than you're saying. I'm grateful to hear about your experiences. LOL

 

Don't know that I know more than what I'm saying. But I do 'suspect' more, than what I'm saying.

It sounds like you've had some real rough times too. Sorry you had to deal with stuff like that. But, it sounds like you've made it through, and are in a better space now. Glad for that.

 

Yes, I've made it through. Did I say I'm in a better space now? I don't think I did. That quote about "fresh new hell" is a permanent fixture in my signature. I dunno, Mojave. Ever since I said a couple days ago that you're a bit like a whipped dog, I've been feeling exactly like a whipped dog myself. It comes and goes, but the last few days for me have been like a tour bus through hell.

Yes, I've had some real rough times, and I'm not over it. Sometimes I'm in a better state. The advice I give other folks on this forum comes from my better states of mind, and even when I'm in the pits of hell I seem to believe the advice I give, and I offer it in the spirit that those who can accept it will get some good from it.

But behind all that, the bottom line in my darkest times, which still tend to be frequent, is that no matter how deeply entrenched in hell I am, I function effectively in society. I do not lose control; I do my job well, I love my children. I do what needs doing, and the hell inside me stays there, for the most part.

If I could make a claim to heroism, that would be it. That I lived in hell, but did what needed doing, no matter how hard it was.

I have a feeling there are lots of heroes out there doing the same thing you and I are doing, Mojave. No headlines, no parades, no medals. And the deepest part of me believes there is a sound and profound reason for the hell.

I'm glad you joined us here, Mojave. I think I needed someone who could relate to some of this.

 

Sorry to hear that the better space eludes you. But, I can really relate. Though I seem to be physically lessable to take on the world as you indicate that you are.[perhaps you've checked out my thread in the health forum.]

Any way, I often venture out into the world at a disadvantge, both physically, and mentally, as part of my hell is that I suffer from bio-chemical mood swings. I have a lot of "down" times -- mid-night in my soul kinda stuff.

I try not to venture out and engage society at my minimums, but sometimes the fridge is empty and so is my stomach, so out I go. Then I try to minimize it, go where I need to, get what I need, go straight home and collapse. And try not to make a big display of it in the proccess. Any one asks how I am -- well I'm just great -- though, I think a lot of the time it is probably obvious that I'm not.

It's almost like some kind of secret. The average person just doesn't get it, so I don't bother to mention it, or explain, unless it seems necessary. Then I just scratch the surface.

And, I try not interact, or communicate, unless I'm in a better and clearer space. I don't like it when the darkness shows through, or worse yet, spills out ucontrolably into other peoples lives -- making my hell theirs. I guess unlike you, I can't always function effectively in society, at times I do lose control, and, don't seem to be able to do a job. On those counts I envy you. And, you do function well -- fooled me!

Any way, I end up kinda goin' it alone, and hating it. But that, unfortunately, seems like what works best -- so far.

Yeah, I really relate to your signature quote -- noticed it right away. But that is such a reality, as well as constant frame of mind, that I CAN'T allow myself such expressions [admissions?]. I've always got to put out something positive & inspirational, or a joke -- as long as I'm in control. Otherwise, I feel beaten and defined by it. And, it kinda lets out the secret too. Instead, every so often, I have a mini metal break down -- after which, I pick up the pieces, put myself back together, get back up on my Taurus bull, lower the buldozer blade, and, once more, plow back into the shit. Hah!!

And, yes, kinda seems like there is no way out. I'm always looking for it, working toward it, praying for it, but it seems like cement. I often feel like it's a kind of combat. That dark, awful, WWI trench combat. And I too often wonder, just how big is the army? And who won, or lost, today?

I often wish I had God-like powers and could just banish all such stuff -- except for those who are purposely evil.

What have I gotten out of it? A more open heart, a more open mind, a deeper connection to spirit, greater understanding and compassion, and, greater courage. Wish I could have gained all that in some more pleasent way.

Any way, you hang in there. And I'll send some good vibes and energy your way. Hope it helps. Your insights help me. Hope we both find he light soon.

When I said you were right about Angels, I ment to say that you were right about EVERYTHING concerning Angels.

 

I hadn't seen your health forum posts, Mojave. I just took a look. Now I have an inkling of understanding about your hell.

I studied biochemistry in college--many many moons ago--and I've acquired a bit of knowledge of ailments and nutritional remedies over the years--but I'm not even going to attempt to understand what your problem is or what you need. You're undoubtedly the world's foremost expert on your own ailment, and you're obviously stymied. You're obviously intelligent and well-informed, and yet you're stumped. There's nothing I can add that you don't know already.

So where does that leave us?

I know almost nothing. Angels? Yes, I have a few. They tease me and taunt me. They put me in a physical prison, and in that prison they attempt to be my loving companions, but only in the spiritual realm. In the physical realm, I'm in a prison--not with actual bars, you understand, yet a prison nevertheless, because I'm not allowed to live a "normal" life, no matter how hard I try. Why? I don't know why.

A member of this forum--one who hasn't appeared much lately--told me I should look at my past lives. I didn't know how to do this, but one day soon after, on the commuter train, coming home from work, I fell asleep and had a vision of a man, in maybe his mid-sixties, European, with pale skin, long white hair gathered in a topknot, with an air of authority--spiritual authority, and worldly power. He seemed like the kind of guy who might make your life very hard if you didn't toe his lines. I woke up, and in my mind I asked my angel: Who is that? And my angel answered: You.

So. Am I paying back karma for being that person in another life? Maybe...and I can see how in some ways I am still that man, and yet in other ways I've grown beyond that mindset.

Does it help to know this? A bit, a tiny bit. Mostly: No, not very much, not really. Does it give understanding to our overall cosmic condition? Yes, maybe it does a tiny bit.

Mojave, you're in a prison even more constrained and torturous than mine. Yet I see in you a depth of intelligence and profound insight. Borne of suffering, maybe...maybe all true wisdom comes from suffering.

I don't have the answers you need.

Concerning angels: I have a few, and I see you do too. I thought maybe I might become an angel myself someday. I hope I serve somewhat in this capacity for you, and I know you do for me. It seems to me that though the road you've travelled has been different than mine in physical details, the effect it has had on your mind and spirit is similar to what I've grown through. I sense a similar insight in you, and I see that you have a lot to give to people.

And for me, I know that when I'm giving to others, the hell retreats for a while. When I start talking to people on this forum, the hell goes away for a bit.

And I don't always maintain control--I've had a few lapses. Not too bad, thank God, but just enough to add a bit to my hell temporarily. These days I seem to be handling things better--God willing.

I have some experience with my body fighting itself--I'm allergic to almost everything that lives--a minute ago I had to go wet down some paper napkins and rub my eyes with them to clean off whatever is causing my eyes to itch like crazy right now--it's worst late at night, better in the morning when the pollen and stuff has settled for the night--I guess.

I know that I do have some degree of psychic gifts, and I know that when I moved my mind into your space, a few days ago, and considered where you were going, I did get a strong sense of relief, of light dawning.

I dunno nothin', Mojave. Take these scant offerings for what they're worth.

 

Zengizmo, I know all about a physical prison with out bars, I have said that about my situation thousands of time - some of my freinds have said that too, not even knowing that I have said it. I also have this perspective, that, "my life ended years ago -- but -- I didn't die!" Pretty negative point of view, but in some ways very accurate. I try to stay away from such thinking, but I'm not that great a Yoggi.

And I know about the allergy stuff. My eyes first started itching and swelling shut at age 5. Yeah, night is a hassle, most flowers actually release more pollen nocternally. That is one reason I'm out here in the desert. Not only do I like the desert, but Hayfever-wise, I do a lot better here. [some people do worse and can't make it here - depends on what you're most allergic to.]

I wasn't counting on, or expecting, you to give me all the answers I want/need about this. That is why I have never specificly asked. I have asked others, and only gotten vague, general, info. Most of which I already knew. What you have given is encouraging, and greatly appreciated. Whatever the Universe allows me to know is a gift. I have some "sight' or "knowing" myself. Some times it amazes me. Other times, I deperately seek it, but it is not there. So I can't count on it the way I would like. For a long time now, the line has pretty much been dead.

Yes I too wonder about the past lives question. But have never gotten much insight into it. Maybe I block it, because I'm afraid of what I might find out. And, unless knowing would help me make some positive difference with my current situation, what's the point?

This life? When I was in my teens this condition was already bothering me in the back ground, but know one, not even me, knew it -- which complicated everything. And, on top of that, I was one of those set my own course, and not follow the herd types. Which got me hassled for not being sufficiently on EVERYBODY ELESE'S trip. I reacted with anger, hurt, and spite. I wasn't viloent. But boy, did I verbally spit venom in every ones eyes. Though mellowed, this hung on more than it should have through my twentys.

It took a while, but dealing with this situation, enlightened me enough, to reduce that by about 80-95%. Unfortunately, when I'm feeling my worst I all too often fall back into it. Then when I feel better, I'm disappointed with myself. That mood swing stuff sucks!

It seems like I had an exit opertunity at age 29, double penumonia[SP?]. Spent Christmas week in the hospital. I didn't know what to choose. Told God if I was done doing what I was here for, going was OK. If not I'd stay - it was up to him/her/it. I got better.

One year later, CFS drops on me. I think the penumonia finished my immune system.

They told me that if I didn't smoke, I just would have had the flu.

In my worst times, I often think/wish I had gone. After all, my life DID end then.

At my best, it's still worth while, but there is no real deep joy. There's too much missing. And, I know it's still waiting for me around the corner -- waiting to mug me, again.

It's a real roller coaster, white knuckles and all.

And yeah, the Angels are there. I don't have the same awareness of them that you have. I just see how they save me at every turn. For which I am truely greatful. But, deep within my heart, I just wish they'd lift the curse instead. [I know, they can't]

I've been on this forum for only a short time and already I have encountered some very good souls, who have up lifted me, and brought more joy into my life. You're one of them. Thanks!

Registering here, is one of the best things I have done in a long time. I have the sense that I was "directed" to it. [those Angels again!]

Any way, hang in there. And I hope you get a break from hell.

Oh, and thanks for your kind words about me.

 

I just ran across your thread or was guided to it, either way I'm very glad I did. I turned 45 in May and prior to that and since then I have had this overwhelming sense of change in the air. I thought I was alone in this feeling, but come to find out i'm not. This change that is coming about has already started. I see it in my life and the lives of several of my friends. I can't explain it nor do I have a name to put to it. But it has a started, like a stone rolling and rolling gaining momentum with every day that passes. I don't know what the outcome is going to be, but I don't get a bad feeling about it. I know this does not answer your question. And I do wish you luck in your search , as I do us all. I do not feel that this is a coincidence as much as it is a connection. I guess only time will tell.