My current lover is a few years older but was not very experienced before me, and does not really do the whole "kiss for a while, touch, and THEN fuck" thing. Our sex life pretty much consists of: him kissing me a little tentatively and then undressing me, me undressing him and giving him part of a blow job, and then him cracking out the condom and just shoving into me for an extremely vigorous and mutually kinky twenty minutes. (It's kind of exciting, and it doesn't hurt unless we do missionary, but nonetheless, he wants me to orgasm and I cannot. [It's situational, too - I can have an intense experience with just me and my Rabbit in ten minutes or so, and have had success with other lovers, but with this one ... not so much.]) I've tried talking about it with him, but I don't think he quite understands; he's genuinely caring and kind, and tries to touch me, or have me touch me, during sex ... but he is a little fumbly, and because it makes him feel like less of a man and inadequate as a lover when I try to help myself, I don't do that either. He talks dirty and says he wants to try some rather erotic things, but when it comes down to it ... I think he is ashamed of himself sexually. (And yes, he sees a counselor.) I like to touch and genuinely admire him, and compliment not only his body but his personality and his abilities in bed (which are mostly pretty good) but I think he thinks I am being facetious. Are there any "sneaky" sexual things I can do to perhaps bolster his self esteem? (and before you suggest it, he can tell when I am faking an orgasm )
just tell him what you want and need, and let the chips fall where they may. a man who isn't interested in what pleasures a woman is no bargain anyways.
He's interested and he asks me, he just gets embarrassed that it doesn't just "happen" ; says later he feels like an inadequate lover because he can't make me come.
so, in other words, he's way more focused on how he feels than on how you feel. like i said, someone like that is no bargain as a lover. being totally focused on your own feelings is selfish, regardless of what those feelings are. he's either going to get over it and start focusing on what his lover needs, or he isn't. what are you gonna do, continue 'protecting' his poor little feelings forever? you wouldn't be doing him any favors either you know. he won't learn to be a good lover as long as you keep trying to protect him from the knowledge that there are areas in which he needs improvement. as long as you're gentle and respectful in your manner, you should speak up.
Good point. He is pretty fragile, a great deal more delicate than I am in almost every way (shyer, more vulnerable, etc), but he can be a mean bastard when he's in self-defense mode. We went through a four-month period when he thought everything I said was dramatic or a lie (and I am a very straightforward girl, not very dramatic at all). I haven't blamed him for it yet because he is not a "typical man" (full of stoicism and frat boy machismo or whatnot) but ... sheesh. Yeah. Even though I can fool myself into thinking he is unhappy because he can't give me what he thinks I want, really it is not what I want at all, just what HE wants. (I don't care if I have an orgasm or not, it isn't important to me.) I am tired of having to "sneak" around his feelings all the time and ending up crying in private for a situation that boils down to "I can't give him what he wants so he is unhappy." I guess now I have to figure out what to do about it now
Sounds like he's stuck in the pr0n movie formula. Tell him to stop watching them and then find some soft core erotic stuff that includes foreplay and to take his plays from that instead. Or any movie that shows that petting and kissing is vital part of sex and that good sex is about appreciating each other's bodies. Men are visual. Don't just tell him what you want. Find a way to SHOW him what you want. Sometimes, they need the visual connection to get the full jist.
As far as I know, he doesn't watch porn ... I think human nakedness secretly embarrasses him. And when I have shown him, he has seemed to like it ... but later has said it's made him feel dirty. When he was angry he even called me a slut for it, out of anger. Boy has issues. Not gonna lie or make excuses. Boy has issues.
have a day where you cannot have intercourse. youre only allowed to make out, grind, etc. you may even wanna say that underwear cannot come off, though that means no oral will happen typically. if you cant just enjoy playing with him, designate a time to play but not fuck like that
i agree with allonym. or have a day where it's 'your turn' to cum. when my partner has cum first the previous few times, we both say 'ok it's MY turn to cum first this time'. i can't cum through intercourse (or haven't yet) so me cumming and him cumming don't happen at the same time. by the way, he might have issues...but this is partly your responsibility too. i mean have you actually stopped him before he's inside you and said 'i want you to touch my breasts / give me oral sex / finger me for a while before we fuck'? it's a two-way thing. or you could stop before sex and remind him of one of the erotic things he suggested and say 'let's do that'. if all that doesn't work, you might just have to sit him down and explain that this is damn important to you, and because sex is about the BOTh of you it should be damn important to him too. i'm not saying to be insensistive, i'm just saying to not let yourself be fucked around (except in the fun way of course). good luck.
ooh ilike the recommendation thing, especially if you whisper it into his ear, something like 'id love to feel your hands on my breasts" etc... not telling, but saying you want to feel, need to feel, would love to feel, would be turned on by....
