last year i briefly dated a wonderful but very shy divorced man. i guess he wasn't ready, because after we slept togehter he became very withdrawb and more or less was scared off. about a week ago he showed up at my apartment, and was absolutely sweet. he says he still doesn't want a relationship, but was actually more interested the cuddling and hand-holding than sex, so i'm not really getting the vibe that he wants to use me or something. i know he's attracted to me but i'm not sure if he's ready to let go of the pain from his marriage (6 years ago) yet, and move on with his life. should i not get involved? gently encourage him? remain aloof & let him come to me? i really care about him deeply, but i'm worried he still might not be ready.
i honestly think that he doesn't know what he wants. i'm not sure he's ready for what he wants, or thinks he wants.
AND ARE YOU WILLING TO WAIT AND HAVE HIM STRING YOU ALONG?? geez he has been divrced for 6 years i think it might be time for him to move on....i get so tired of men hanging on to the past. for example my bf had a girlfriend who cheated on him with a bunch of his friends and for years he thought that inevitably i would cheat on him, duh not true.men always want what they want, so now he just wants to cuddle, then you let him , then maybe he wants to start having sex again, and you let him, when is the relationship going to be on both your terms????
i am sorry your boyfriend has had that unfortunate experience, but there is no need to shout at me for it. how is it stringing me along if he's beingup front & honest with his feelings, including not knowing what he wants?
oh geez i always forget that that means shouting........and sorry we all now what we want...guys however want it all. you say you care for him deeply and that your not getting the vibe that he is using you?well here's a heads up,,, he's using you. he had sex with you and then got scared off, then who knows how long later he shows up at your door wanting to just cuddle,still not wanting a relationship becasue he hasn't gotten over the divorce, well i think he moved on with his life when he slept with you. being used doesn't mean just sexually, you said he doesn't want sex so he's not using you, but honestly he is using you......emotionally that is.and i wasn't yelling at you because of my bf past i was intensifying the fact that he was stringing you along.listen it comes down to this people only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. and if he is the one always calling the shots, sex, no just cuddling, no i'm scared, you will start to get confused and ultimately feel used.period.
I would honestly say... go for it. If you are already single, then you don't have much to loose, and he's a good guy. You will still have a great friend that you care about even if no relationship comes out of it. Every possible scenario (other than the one in which you find out that he's actually a Ed Gein impersonator) seems to generate a rather positive result.
thank you for keeping that in perspective. he is an awesome friend! i think he's still bruised enough from his marriage that he has trouble seeing that, but he's the first person i want to call when i hear a new song, the first person i think of when there's a band playing i want to see, and he drove all the way to ithaca with me just so i could get a few rolls of hemp.
wtf in the smallest of letters, do you not understand???you only seem to respond to what you want to hear not what you need to hear.
yeah well there is the little insignificant fact that i actually know this guy and see him often, and you know either of us and yet respond with screaming accusatory hyststerical insistence that you just happen to know what all guys want and they all want it all and therefore no matter what common sense and my own observations tell me he must be using me. i'm sorry, but stepping back and looking at the big picture objectively, your hysterical insistence that he must be using me because i'm not demanding instant relationship is just not credible. Pavel made a good point and reminded me of a very important priority: no matter what, he and I are friends, and that's what's important. Relationships aren't a contest or a battle of wills. Back on topic: I've asked him out to see a band with me tonight. He knows the guys in the band and it's the kind of thing he'd probably go to anyway, so I thought it's be a nice, low-pressure date. Not sure when he has his kids, though but I hope he can make it out.
thank you. i know you're meaning well, but please remember that just because I'm posting for advice doesn't mean I'm completely devoid of any observations whatsoever. As I said in the original post, I'm already sure he's not using me. I'm just trying to figure out the best way of moving foreward without frightening him again (yes it's been 6 years but he was hurt pretty bad. divorce is a big deal) or whether or not its even a good idea considering my own future is still uncertain.
in your first post you said, i dated this guy for a while we had sex, it must have scared him away then he showed up at my door....you say i'm hysterical are you kidding me, why the hell would i be hysterical????you percieved me to be yelling because i forgot to type in lower case, now your percieving me to be hysterical ,,,i think your a little confused. your ist post is very vague and nowhere in your 1st post does it say anything about you "seeing him often" your post insinuates that he just showed up at your door one day and although he didn't want a sexual relationship he was up for a cuddling relationship...i would assume that pretty much everyone on this forum may not know each other, so if you seek advice from a forum maybe you shouldn't be so vague and you won't get upset and accuse people of being hysterical and insistent on their opinions. and yes i went through a long bitter and devastating divorce myself and it didn't take me 6 years and longer to get over it...but hey thats just me.and if you don't mind could you define a "date" to me a date with the opposite sex means to me that we are in some sort of mutual romantic relationship.how can you call it a date when you clearly stated in your posts that he doesn't want a relationship he just want s to cuddle? i don't know i guess i'm just really confused any way have a good date hope all goes well for you.
