This is something that happened not too long ago, and I can't get it out of my head. I was visiting my grandparents with my family, and I stayed at a cousin's house for the night. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. in a cold sweat, and couldn't get back to sleep. I was really unsettled, and had a really strong urge to call my mom. I felt physically sick and started getting a migraine. I met back up with my family around noon that day, and they told me that at 6:00 everybody in my grandparents' house woke up to loud screaming, and my step-grandfather (or whatever you want to call him. He's a prick.) had "accidentally" kicked their puppy down the stairs. He was hysterical, crying, my grandmother (who loved the dog more than anything.) was freaking out...it was pandemonium. I know it seems silly...just a dog. ( ) But I've had this nagging in the back of my head that he's an evil person ever since he married my grandmother.
Dear God, knotdirty. What you describe is the sort of experience that has saturated my life, and I'm sorry you need to walk this path. Your post doesn't actually ask a question. Are you asking if your "step-grandfather" is actually evil? My immediate reaction was this: Yes, and no. He is out of control, and yet part of him is screaming: Don't make me do things like this!!! The larger question is: How are you going to handle this? The vibes are telling me that the situation is not good. Evil? This is a judgment. It's of no practical use, and judgments like this will only ensnare your soul in a web of self-righteousness and self-deception. The bottom line is: God help us all. In the most practical terms, your task is to remain unmoved in the midst of turmoil, and to choose the path of peace--which is not to say you might not be called upon to help enforce standards of behavior. Your task is to do so without passing judgment. Do you feel what I'm saying? "Just a dog..." yet you know there's more to this, because puppies are largely at our mercy, aren't they? And something here is...I won't soften my words...yes, there is something evil here, yet we need to be vigilant to avoid being ensnared in the same web. May God's peace, God's strength, God's forgiveness and mercy come to bear strongly in your life and relationships in the times to come.
Judgement...I wouldn't call it judgement...I have strong intuitions about peoples characters, and I get these intuitions the moment I meet them, usually. And what I feel when I get those intuitions is pretty subconscious. I either trust a person completely and feel 100% comfortable around them, or if I get bad vibes then I'm nice to them, available to listen to them if they need a friend, but I don't necessarily put trust in them or let them into certain parts of my life. I suppose putting up that wall is a judgement in itself, though. Evil is a strong word. usually my gut goes "good." or "bad." when I meet a person. I don't know, maybe I just view them based on this, which reinforces my "intuition," and maybe it's not really a fair view of the person. I used the word evil because shortly after the dog incident he did something worse. My aunt went to live with them after her first chemo treatment. She is in the final stages of cancer. All she can stomach is yogurt and juice. He'll sneak into the kitchen from time to time and drink all of the juice and eat all of the yogurt. We're talking an entire gallon of juice and a LOT of yogurt...so when she feels up to nourishing her body for a change, there's nothing in the house. And by the time my grandmother gets back from the store, her appetite has gone. He does everything he can to make her life harder. He's also kind of slow...I think that he's jealous of the attention his wife gave to the dog and to my aunt. And this was the only thing his childish brain could think of to get her attention. No human has the right to judge. I know that everybody does good things and bad things...what I'm not sure about is if there is a core to people. Good or bad. I think maybe we're all born good...and that our core develops. That bad people do good and bad things...good people do good and bad things...are there good and bad people? I don't know. To answer the larger question: I catch myself when I fall into judgement...I try harder everyday to view every person without bias and with love. When I catch myself in a thought or action like that, I check myself and remind myself that my way isn't the only, or the best way. It's not my place to judge people...but I can't help seeing them. I know anger is destructive, but I can't help getting angry once in a while. Especially when somebody's being hurt. Anybody who would hurt an animal or sick person...I don't know. I can love that person because they're a person, but I can't be around them voluntarily. I'm not selfless. I thank God that he made us so that we can always change and improve, though. There's always that.
Knotdirty, the concept of evil is complex, and you clearly see the nuances of that complexity. There's nothing more I can add to your thinking. I don't say that this will help, however there's an interesting book on the concept of evil, written by a psychiatrist, strangely enough--M. Scott Peck, MD. The book is called People of the Lie. It probably won't clarify anything if you read it, however it might add more nuances to your thinking, if you're interested. Just one observation, for what it's worth: You never really stated why you're posting on this subject. You asked no questions. Why do I mention this? Because it stands out in my mind, that's all. Is this an important observation? Maybe not--maybe only marginally important. It's easy to see you're very reasonable, intelligent, analytical, and wise. And--you're struggling with this issue. I'll continue to ask God to guide you and strengthen you. And I'll add one more thing: To bring you clarity. I would share a recent situation in my own life, but it's way past the witching hour, and I'm fading fast. Blessings, zengizmo
I don't know if I had a question. Maybe just a load on my mind...and this seemed the only place to unload. Just...very little unsettles me. I'm usually a pretty laid back, placid person. My life is full of "coincidences." I don't believe in coincidences...which is probably why it unsettles me. The fact that not much bothers me makes the things that DO bother me stick out. I don't like coincidences. It feels like a giant crash in the universe to me. It's not a question of good or evil, really, to me. I'm alerted about people (I feel it's an alert.), I think, to guide the way I act. Not to try and change them, or tell them how to be... Anyway. I don't know what I wanted advice on, really. I just felt a pressure to put this here...
So maybe you were looking for a few friends to unload on...this occurred to me. People like me always want to try to fix things, but I think maybe you just need to talk, and aren't necessarily looking for solutions. This is fine, because the situation you're discussing doesn't seem to have any easy solutions. Your feelings about coincidences are interesting...I like coincidences, because they seem to point to an underlying message or meaning in life. However the way you see coincidences seems to be as if the universe were disturbing your peace by throwing you something to get your attention, thus putting you on alert--is that the correct sense of your feelings? I was going to tell you about some recent events in my life. God...this is a long story, and it's already late again. Maybe I'll wait and tell this some other time. Basically it involves my 19-year-old stepdaughter, who is bipolar, has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals steadily for the last few months, and who, in one recent hospital stay, suddenly acquired a "new" memory of something I supposedly did to her--however this never actually happened. She had been hell to live with for years, requiring psychiatrists, counselors, a wilderness camp for troubled teens, regular contact with local police, who said they had never met anybody with a mouth like hers--and yet I wish only the best for her. Still, when she makes accusations like this with no basis, I realize that I can no longer have any contact with her. In spite of all the hell she's put me through, I'm sad about this. And yet, at the same time, relieved. I wish her only the best, but now that she's legally an adult, and I've served my responsibilities to society by helping to raise her and keep her alive through all the hell, it's time for society to accept this new adult person into its fold, and do with her what seems best. Her mother and her siblings seem to be the only friends she has left. The reason I mention this is because I have so often tended to see her as evil. Yet this doesn't seem quite right, because her attitudes and behavior--and delusions--are apparently the result of faulty neural wiring and brain chemistry. It's very hard sometimes to step back and see her behavior objectively. People's abusive behavior is hard not to take personally. So why did the universe inflict her on me? I had almost no power in this situation. The only thing I could do was try to control my own reactions. So I guess what I learned was greater emotional discipline, and a higher degree of unconditional love. I was dragged kicking and screaming all the way, but I did change as a result of this relationship. I wish her only the best, however from here on she needs to deal with her problems without any direct contact from me. Is this story of any value to you? Maybe I have some need to unburden myself, too.
I'm sorry about your stepdaughter. Mental illness is a terrible thing, for the family and loved ones, and for the person inflicted with it. I think you're wise to distance yourself. And I relate to your story...the guy I've been talking about is NOT right in the head. And I know it's not fair of me to cast judgement...I can pretty well say where his actions stem from, and take all of my emotional judgement out of it. But when bad actions happen again and again...humanity takes over. And sometimes I just get frustrated and tunnel vision kicks in, I guess. Do people every grow out of humanity? And about your stepdaughter's "recovered memory..." I learned about that in psychology last semester. It's not valid...and most likely the therapist she's seeing implanted that idea and let it grow. Whether knowingly or unknowingly...it doesn't take much for an tiny hint of an idea to grow of its own accord, especially when the mind handling it is so fragile and damaged to begin with. It's scary. Our brains are so strange...we have more false memories than real ones. What's even scarier is that we can't trust our own minds, because they're completely invalid in everything! There are no facts... The universe is so freaky. Just trying to begin to fathom it...okay, I'd better get to bed before I start going down THAT rabbit hole. I just need to keep telling myself...a soul can't be held responsible for the things its body does. At least, not to anybody but God...
I can only speak for myself...and for myself, the answer is "no." I've read about some saints...but I've never met anybody who didn't act human to at least some extent. Maybe...maybe a few who seemed somewhat divine...as for me, I definitely failed my stepdaughter in lots of ways...I comfort myself with the fact that trained professional counselors almost gave up working with her, and a nun who takes in troubled teenage girls refused to take her in. I couldn't refuse. I had to live with my stepdaughter. Society's law required it, and I did the best I could, though it wasn't good enough. But nobody else, aside from my wife, could or would do any better. My wife was the only one who could deal with my stepdaughter with any effectiveness at all, and even she was drained and discouraged most of the time. Yes, I'm aware of this phenomenon. I don't know what happened. The Dept. of Mental Health investigator who interviewed me was kind of apologetic, but said he couldn't tell me what the accusation was or who accused me. Isn't that convenient? In a court of law I would have the right to face my accuser, however I was never charged with a crime--only being investigated. So all I know about the accusation is what I can infer from the investigator's questions. He did tell me that the police and social services department had been notified of the accusation against me, and they had the option to interview me also. Apparently they declined their right of investigation, so I surmise that they saw no compelling reason to investigate me. The DMH investigator left saying that I probably wouldn't see him again, and he was right. A couple months later he interviewed my wife--probably, I'm thinking, to find out from her how I was reacting to the accusations, aside from any info she could supply about the probability that I actually did what I was accused of. I know that the accusation came from my stepdaughter because my wife told me so. I don't know how my stepdaughter came up with it. I do know from other experiences that social workers and mental health workers bring their own personal issues into their interactions with patients, and this could have been the genesis of the "memory." I also know that the girl my stepdaughter considers her best friend has a history of using people's weaknesses and helplessness for her own entertainment, and I can see that girl putting the idea into my stepdaughter's head just for the fun of seeing what happens. However I have no actual facts, because HIPAA laws protect the guilty--if there ARE any guilty--from any knowledge on my part. I think "completely invalid" might be an exaggeration...if that were true, how could we find out enough objective info about the physical universe to manipulate it into supplying us energy from atom breakdowns and music from electrons? However in essence I think you're correct--the concept of "objective" reality with regard to perceptions and memories is extremely suspect...this is one of the themes of the book I'm writing. That's it--not to anybody but God. We're all in the same boat. Thank you, knotdirty, for your understanding and sympathy. You seem to have very clear vision.
The Zen Master Hakuin lived in a town in Japan. He was held in high regard and many people came to him for spiritual teaching. Then it happened that the teenage daughter of his next-door neighbor became pregnant. When being questioned by her angry and scolding parents as to the identity of the father, she finally told them that he was Hakuin, the Zen Master. In great anger the parents rushed over to Hakuin and told him with much shouting and accusing that their daughter had confessed that he was the father. All he replied was, "Is that so?" News of the scandal spread throughout the town and beyond. The Master lost his reputation. This did not trouble him. nobody came to see him anymore. He remained unmoved. When the child was born, the parents brought the baby to Hakuin. "You are the father, so you look after him." The Master took loving care of the child. A year later, the mother remorsefully confessed to her parents that the real father of the child was the young man who worked at the butcher shop. In great distress they went to see Hakuin to apologize and ask for forgiveness. "We are really sorry. We have come to take the baby back. Our daughter confessed that you are not the father." "Is that so?" is all he would say as he handed the baby over to them. The Master responds to falsehood and truth, bad news and good news, in exactly the same way: "Is that so" He allows the form of the moment, good or bad, to be as it is and so does not become a participant in human drama. To him there is only this moment, and this moment is as it is. Events are not personalized. He is nobody's victim. He is so completely at one with what happens that what happens has no power over him anymore. Only if you resist what happens are you at the mercy of what happens, and the world will determine your happiness and unhappiness. The baby is looked after with loving care. Bad turns into good through the power of nonresistance. Always responding to what the present moment requires, he lets go of the baby when it is time to do so. Imagine briefly how the ego would reacted during the various stages of the unfolding of these events. *Hugs* to you both.
I no im young but i have alot of experience with spirts and dreams and things..but what this seems to me is either hes just loosing it or something is fighting for contorl of his body not saying good or evil but if u get that feeling it could be evil very much. Either way i hope things get better and the feeling or if it is something it all passes. If you ever feel like its tring to enter you scream in ur head "Get out of me. You cant win" a few times and if that dosent work try saying it out loud but either way u can only get it if u use this weird feeling u get that u cant explaine and if ur strong enough it will leave but if not u could be in the state ur step-grandfather is in. Just a theory tho...
airotciv, I read your posting with MUCH interest. The story of Hakuin is the very same story I wrote in an e-mail to my current angel in October 2002, before she became my angel, before she led me on and then annihilated my life, as it were, though the current life is better in lots of ways than the previous one, for which I sometimes thank her, when I'm not immersed in rage at the way she treated me. Oh, I know it's not "good" to rage, however I'm not a good person. I'm merely what I am. I am definitely not a gentleman. You see the quote about hell in my signature. There is a good reason for that reference. The term I used in my e-mail to my angel in 2002 was "equanimity." I told her that such equanimity as Hakuin's was quite impressive, however I was at a loss to accomplish that kind of equanimity myself. However in the intervening years, after many kinds of hell, that kind of equanimity is not as far away from me as it used to be, I think. And I can thank my angel for this in large part. airotciv, I just can't help thinking you and I might have some things to talk about. I took a look at your hipforums profile, and am just a trifle fascinated. My BS degree is in Biochem--I originally thought there might be a niche for me in researching the neurochemical basis for psychic experiences, however after a bit of education I concluded that science was not far enough advanced in this area to offer the kinds of revelations I was hoping for in this lifetime, so I lost interest and moved on to other things. Was I right or wrong? I was kidding myself, anyway. What I really want is the experiences, not the chemistry. I'm glad you wrote. Hugs back to you.
In summary: Ego dies hard--very, very hard. And so many, many times when you think you've got it licked, you find...that you're just kidding yourself. And I know only too well, because that's what I do.
