Got a weird email... then he took it back!

Ok here is the thing. As some of you know my boyfriend and I have been going back and forth with him "pulling away" and not wanting to grow up and be responsible. Mind you he is 28 years old and he still does not have a clue as to what he wants for the future, no plan, no goal, nothing. Recently, a friend of mine said she would rent him a house near the garage he hangs out at. Seemed like a good idea since I know that the direction isn't headed toward marriage any time soon and his house is unlivable now. Then all of a sudden he sends me the email below, I edited it for length. Now, this got me to thinking holy crap maybe he did grow up and he is ready to settle down and plan a future with me. But then later that night when I asked him about it, his answer was, "I was mad at the guys at the garage and I was tired and mostly just blowing off steam when I sent that email." And I said, so you didn't mean any of it, and he still said, "well I was just mad and just venting, you vent to me all of the time." Which is true I bitch about work, but I don't tell him that I want to buy a house with him then change my mind. What he was saying here isn't venting. And I told him that if he didn't mean any of this he should have never sent it, especially since he said he wasn't teasing me (he had to add that because he has said/done some similar things in the past and changed his mind). I guess I should have just known better. I just don't know why he is playing these games with me. He knows that I'm stuck in a lease for a whole year so I can't just move. And no one says he has to move in with me right now. If he is serious about buying a house though, why can't he just come out and say I think that we should consider this. It isn't fair that he gets my hopes up like this then takes it back. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to fight with him, so I said its ok whatever, but I'm really hurt. I need to discuss it now, before I let it drag on too long. This all happened last night. My problem is I cannot figure out what the hell his true feelings are. Maybe he is scared or something, but I get the impression he is not telling me the truth one way or another. Please Help.

 

Wow, that email he sent sounded very promising and truthful, and then he went and took it all back? That's pretty fucked up. It's one thing to "vent" but he said things that were very "sure" and sounded very serious. He sounds like he's afraid of the commitment, I guess. But really...I don't get how he can say all those things and then deny them. I don't blame you for feeling bad about it.

Hmm...just one thing though...I wouldn't go posting an email my boyfriend sent to me personally on a message board online...lol.

 

I know what you mean about posting the email. I wasn't going to,but I wanted everyone to see what he said and how he said it so they could get the right idea. I could have said " my boyfriend said this this and this" but people wouldn't get the whole picture had I done it that way I don't think. Not only that but I don't think it is any different than him running to his buddies and telling them our problems and seeking advice. I have tried even talking to him about it and all he does is say that he was mad and it was just venting. I know he is afraid of commitment, but I am not saying I want to get married or even buy a house within a year. All I want from him is to know that first of all what he says to me is true and he isn't going to take it back later. And I want to know that he thinks we have a future together. I don't want to find out 5 more years from now that he never planned for us to work out. That would be 5 years I could have invested in myself and getting my shit together and perhaps spending it with someone who does plan on a future with me.

 

I see what you mean about posting the email. I guess it really is no different than him running and telling his friends.

I don't get how he could or WHY he went and wrote that entire email to you because he was "mad" and venting? What a really poor excuse. I mean...does that really make sense? He's mad about something, so he writes a really nice, sweet email to his girlfriend telling her how he wants to be with her, etc? That just...I don't get it. It doesn't even seem like he was venting in the email. If anything, it sounded like he put thought into and truly meant it. I don't know about this guy. He's 28 and he seems like he's in limbo. I'm sure you love each other...but there is definitely a communication gap here. You either need to sit down with him and MAKE him talk to you about this (non of these childish excuses)...or I don't know...ask yourself if this is really the type of guy you want to be with/see yourself with 5 years down the road...

Either way, good luck.

 

this may sound a little harsh.. I don't mean it to be.

I think u already know how he feels but u can't bring yourself to admit it. the thing is if he really wanted to be with u he would bend over backwards to be with u. that he isn't says a lot.. n I don't think u're looking in the same direction in life. what u have to do is decide if he will ever see things your way.. ask him outright for an honest answer.. if he cares for u as he says he does he should do u right.

 

Yes, actually. I know nothing about this guy, except what is written in this thread (have not read previous posts about his "pulling away").

He is 28 with no clear idea of what he wants to do in life. People his age are supposed to not only know, but be on their way to attaining their goals. People his age are supposed to be settling down, getting married, & having children. (Not that I necessarily agree with all these claims, but that is what society often drills into our heads). But he's not ready to make these decisions. But he's supposed to. But he doesn't want to...

So he gets pissed off at whatever down at the garage -- turns the tide of his ambivalence toward settling down, leaving his buddies behind, & "growing up". He'd be happier in a place that you own together because 1. you are not the aspect of his life that pissed him off, so you are in the role of security blanket, 2. he won't have to deal with roommates, landlords, leases, etc. That doesn't mean he's ready to actually BUY that house, it just means that that is the refuge that sounds best to him right now. I wonder what he says to his buddies after you & he argue...

Honestly, to me, the email did not sound all that sweet & promising. It sounded like maybe he actually does want to get his shit together, but that will take time & you'll have to wait & see whether that desire will win out over all of his other desires. For right now, tho, the talk of moving in with you sounded like a desperate attempt to get out of the situation he's in, instead of any honest, thought out decision to make such a move.