cross-exam of whats wrong with me

and no, this is not a cry for help. and no, i dont want pity. so please dont respond to this and say awwww im so sorry life is worth living blah blah blah.

even though you are a very very kind hearted person to want to say that.


okay.

on the case of depression:

-yeah, i cut myself.
-yeah, i want to kill myself. nothing would make me happier.
-yeah, i lose interest in activities that once made me happy. haha im watching those prozac commercials way too much.
-yeah, i sleep a lot.
-yeah, ive been eating a lot a lot.
-yeah, i write emo poetry HA.

on the case of a slight case of bipolarity:

-yeah, i probably have the worst mood swings of any teenager.
-yeah, the only moods i have are when i think i can do anything, then the other times i just want to kill everybody, then times i just want to crawl under a rock and rot away.

on the case of kleptomania:

-i steal everything from everyone from everywhere, even if i dont really want to. it just happens. i cant stop. and ive been doing it since my grandpa died....trauma disorder?

oh yeah i forgot, when i was eight, my grandpa died, who was the closest person to me in the world and stuff. the next year, my great grandma died who was one of the only ones i liked on my moms side of the family. then my stepdads uncle died, who was kind of my replacement for the grandpa who died. then my cat died. then last year my boyfriend died. yeah. and right now my other great grandma, who i was pretty pretty close to as well, is dying. yeah death surrounds me.

on the case of obssessive-compulsive disorder:

everything i have to do has to be even. like in backgammon, every column has to have the same number of pieces or else i cant finish the game. and the volume in my friends car stereo, which is in numbers not bars, has to be in intervals of five or else i freak out. you know, little things like that, but they add up.


and other random things...
like up until last year, i used to love everything and everyone. seriously not joking. if i saw you walking down the street id fall in love with you and be heartbroken when you dissappeared out of sight around the corner. stuff like that. and now, after all the constant heartbreak, i hate everything and everyone.




kbye, thanks for letting me vent.

 

It's a good thing you've posted here, it means you haven't given up yet. Even if you say you don't want all the "life's beautiful" shit you still seam to want someone to talk to... If that's the case, feel free to mail me

 

youre a nice person. and yes, i dont deny anything youve said. as i said in the first post, you are a kind hearted person. good day to you!

 

Do you mind if I ask you if you believe in something? I mean, a God/dess, a Superior Force, etc..

 

I am going to start off by saying that I do feel bad for you. I am only saying it is because I know what you are going through. before I was 17 I lost a lot of people that I cared about and that I was close too. It is very hard to deal loosing someone you love especially when it happens often. I will tell you that it will get better bit I am sure you have been told that before. Just know that you aren't alone and if you ever want to chat about anything just pm me.

 

no, as of now i dont believe in a deity. i believe that you should be nice to everyone, including yourself. im closest to eastern religion. minus the religion. and umm..ya, thank you.

 

I was raised catholic but a couple of years ago I just felt it wasn't enough, so I started readying about eastern religions. After a lot of thinking I arrived to the conclusion that the basic value included in all religions is love, so it really didn't matter that much which religion I believed in as long as I really loved human kind. As you said, it is important to be nice to everyone, including yourself, then, why don't you let yourself love you?

 

easier said than done, my friend. i know i should love myself. but its a long journey.

 

I know, but I'm sure you will be able to do it eventually, you just need some healing. Let others help you through that journey

 

thanks.

 

You seem to have forgotten yourself. What could happen within a year which could transform you 180 degrees? You said you want to see yourself crawl under a rock and rot away. I see a pile of maggots festering in a pile of decomposing human remains. “Woohoo, fresh maggots! Does anyone have any tortilla chips?” Seriously, though, a pile of festering maggots eating away at someone who once used to be a person; I think I would prefer to perhaps step away from the maggot pile and attempt to repress it in my memory. If I couldn’t repress it, I think I would leave said oozing festering pile of body parts and perhaps go smell some flowers. I would hope these flowers would smell a little lovelier.

You say death is around you. Death is not around you; as you are still alive. You are not that maggot pile. I’m sorry dear, but no matter how hard you try, you are a person and thus not a pile of festering maggots. (Maggots eating away at a corpse can’t use a computer.)

If the world around you is terrible it means that all good has to be absent from it. If you open your eyes, the goodness will be your light. The world cannot be 100% terrible because some people still care and hope. Occasionally people still help one another as opposed to take advantage of them. The good things in life do happen, They balance out the terrible things. Because the world is still in existence, it has not gone to shit completely.

You feel great need to put yourself into categories. Your symptoms of depression and bipolar seem to mimic the natural symptoms of adolescence. Teenagers are confused because they are still learning how to adapt to this world and they don’t yet know themselves.

Hopefully near the end of adolescence people come out knowing a little bit more about themselves.

People are all creatures of habit. It alright to have rituals; however rituals become a problem when they get in the way of your life.

I just read another post and perhaps it could be relevant to you. http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=237974

This was one of the best things I read in a long time.

Look within yourself; stay strong, stay well Peace.