I'm still a virgin at 21 (almost 22). My older brother used to mistreat me when my parents were gone, which a few times included sexual (but not rape) encounters. I'm an atheist agnostic, but miss having God to turn to. I sometimes hate myself, but I now believe I've been maintaining an image of myself to keep from letting myself down. I tend to crush on girls entirely too often, but more because I find them beautiful than out of sexual attraction. I get into relationships and then bail very early for what I can only determine to be a fear of getting close. I'm completely uncomfortable getting close to anyone. I can't talk about my feelings in person or open up at all. I feel completely separated from my parents. I feel as if we don't know each other at all, and that I have never had the family connection that most people have. I'm completely scared about the future, and it seems like every day that passes is another day that I can't see who I will be later on in life. Lately I feel like I can't follow through with anything I am capable of. I'm addicted to elimination reality TV Shows on Bravo (Top Chef, Project Runway, Top Design, Shear Genius, etc.). The more I think about it, the more I realize that the one thing that I yearn for is beauty, but it's the one thing I can't obtain. A beautiful girl is not something that can be captured, just like a beautiful tree is firmly rooted to the ground. The essence of beauty is amazing but very fleeting. I often contemplate suicide, but not out of depression. It's more of a curiousity and self-questioning. It's similar to thinking about modern society and how fabricated and streamlined it is, if that makes sense. I'm not nearly ballsy enough to do it, nor would I really want to...but it does come up in my thoughts here and there. ....I think that about covers it . For the record, I'm not suicidal or constantly depressed. I just found the idea of confessing everything I could think of offhand on a forum post intriguing, especially since I have issues opening up to anyone in person.
....first of all, i love you for this. not just a "omg this guy roolz im gonna reply 2 his thread" kind of love, but deep feelings. you are a strong person for throwing all this out in the open. never fear, you are definitely not the only one going through shit right now. stay strong and peace brotha and hey message me if you want to talk some more. we'll exchange problems and life stories and philosophies. your thought process intrigues me. peace
