confused please help!

hi everyone - I'm new here and could use some advice...this seems like a really cool place!

I have always been into girls, have had several meaningful deep relationships with girls where the sex side has been great and am in a long term one right now....I don't ever recall thiking about guys growing up either...
BUT....the thought of being with a guy sometimes turns me on- in terms of my fantasies for the most part they are about girls- occasionaly think about guys and the thought turns me on, but it's kind of fantasy- I don;t see myself wanting to act it out if you see what i mean.
The other side is that I've always had sexual attractions only to girls- when i walk down a street I think about girls, and can't say i ever walked down a street and found a guy sexy or thought about being with...
My question as its stressing me out right now - could it be possible that I am actually gay and have somehow "learned" to be straight to the point I am convinced I am not atrracted to guys OR am I being HYPER neurotic...

 

"learned to be straight", Well if you can learn to be straight then theres way more gay people in the world, thats for sure...

 

Nope, dude, you surely did not 'learn to be str8'. That much no one can 'learn'.

Yet, you are stressing yourself for a very good reason: you are discovering that other dudes do turn you on.

All the good things in life start with an honest approach. Throw all your preconceived ideas about what's right and what's wrong overboard for a moment and open up towards yourself. How important and how frequent are these m2m fantasies to you?

Honestly, do you want to act on them, and if so, what's really holding you back?

Just spill out your beans to yourself and pick it up from there.

KD

 

Maybe you're just bisexual.

 

Maybe you're just a normal healthy guy who can at least see that another male body has beauty and could hold some interest....that and nothing more. The curiosity about a same sex partner is a common feeling in people well adjusted enough to be honest with themselves. Enjoy the looking at and passing thoughts of another guy, if you ever feel a need to pursue that further you can. I really doubt anyone could so BS themselves that they completely fail to notice their own sexuality. A lot of people do the denial thing but thats a whole different creature. Do you have any gay friends? Might be worth while to talk to them about this just to get their perspective. Good luck and be sure to love the one you're with.

 

Hi- thanks for the replies.

I guess I wasn't very clear in my post- I've had these fantasies for quite a while and don;t have a problem with it- my confusions really is that I fantasise about guys and girls.
Why I;m confused about it is becuase I've never really looked at guys walking down the street, or really met a guy I've thought I'd really want to be with. It's almost like I don't see guys in that way in real life, just in fantasy- so what the hell does that mean!?!

 

Question. If you were to meet any of the men of your fantasies in real life would you want to be with them or have a bit of sex at least? The mind works in mysterious ways. Perhaps you are very particular and you just haven't stumbled upon your particular type in real life. Your mind can fabricate your ideal man or women but meeting that type of person may not happen very often.

Or it may just be a fantasy only thing. Who knows.

I wouldn't worry about it. Dream about whoever you like and be with who you want to be with regardless of gender, as long as you're happy.

The nice thing about fantasies is that they can be as extreme as you want them to be and it is really easy to keep to yourself. Not as easy when it is real life.

 

Thanks for the words of advice

My fanstasies don't really concentrate on what the guy looks like- its more around the pure physical side- sucking etc....thats why I'm confused becuase I don't look at guys and really want to be with them, or have a certain "type" in my head.

I guess why it's stressing me out is I'm wandering if the fact I don't look at guys and want to be with them is maybe because i've repressed it in some way, or becuase I've somehow taught myself not to think about guys in that way. I;m not sure if this is making any sense (!).

What complicates matters is I'm in a long term relationship right now, and struggling with this confusion, despite the fact I'm very much in love with my gf...

 

I don't know what to say, man. I can't really relate to you so my advise is not to worry about it. Of course the confusion must be gnawing away at you.

I wouldn't think it would have something to do with teaching yourself to be straight. If that were the case then it would seem someone would likely try to deny it or try their darnest to think straight fantasies only to reinforce their sexuality. You don't seem to have a problem with it except for being confused.

It might be a good time to state that I probably know no more about psychology than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India Company.

That being said, if you aren't attracted to guys in real life and your fantasies don't dominate your relationship to the point you become dependent on them to make your relationship tolerable and enjoyable then you should be fine.

Anyways, sorry if my advice doesn't help much. I hope that you find peace of mind though. It never is fun when something troubles you to the point where it starts driving you bonkers.

 

sounds like your bi-curious and possibly bi-sexual, no big deal. You probably just want to play with a guy, and that's totally cool, like somebody else above me said, throwaway all preconceived notions, don't try to attatch a label to yourself. It is possible to be primarily attracted to females and still be turned on by messing around with a guy, purely sexual reasons, go ahead, have fun and don't analyze it, just be human.

 

You sound like some who really enjoys sex and who has an active and healthy imagination. I think you are creating unnecessary stress. Look again at what you are saying and ask, "why am I stressing?"


You fantasize about girls and guys, yet you never really had a same sex encounter and you don't want to. Great - THAT'S WHAT FANTASY IS FOR!

Enjoy your fantasies. My guess is that you grew up in a house or social setting that says "gay is wrong." That is most like the little voice judging all of these great fantasies. Acknowledge the voice in your head and then tell it to get lost. Go back to your fantasy and have fun.

 

HI thanks so much for all the advice.

I think I have real problems seeing things in not black and white terms- so for these years whilst I have had gay fantasises along with my straight ones, i guess I've maybe built up the belief that deep down I must be gay and that's gnawed away at me.
That's the kind of peace I'm coming to- that it's fine to fantasise about guys and not necessarily be turned on in "real life" by the idea or want to act on it - or imagine myself in a relationship with a guy. I have loads of other fantasises that I don't try to label myself according to!


To an extent I think you're right - I have grown up in the belief that being gay is somehow wrong that I haven't really thought about. Acknowledging that is very hard - that's something I really need to address.

thanks again

 

its just a fantasy its normal and healthy!!if you cant picture urself with a guy in real life ur not bi!!plus ur probably horny at the time these thoughts come into ur head and how can anyone be held responsible for their thoughts in that frame of mind????stop stressin out it's all good!!

 

hey again- been doing some more soul searching on this and was hoping you kind people could offer some more advice!

When I fantasise/watch gay porn, it really turns me on but the thought of ACTUALLY doing it isn't as great. As I was saying I don;t look at guys in the street in a sexual way, but can obviously appreciate if a guy is good looking.

My confusion is why i have never wanted to act this out. I mean, if i was gay and had been repressing/denying it (which is what is worries me..), surely it wouldn't have been possible for me to love having sex with girls, or be constantly thinking about having sex with girls since I can remember?! Am i just in denial now?!

I'm a bit less stressed about the whole thing but can't find any asnwers- maybe I'm one of teh guys who realises hes gay later in life and his world comes crashing down (which is why im so frikkin stressed about it).

I also don't feel ready to talk about this with my gf yet, which makes me feel even worse...feeling like there nowhere to turn.

 

I'd take people's advice and not stress. I get the feeling that what is probably stressing you out perhaps (and this may be a shot in the dark) is that your girlfriend doesn't know?

I think you're straight but maybe bi-curious. Basically sex turms people on. I'm sure if they did research on all types of sexually inclined people with gay/straight/bi pornography they'd probably find that most porn turns loads of people on. Defining yoruself on what yrou porn preferences are seems strange to me. At the same time, some women hate pron, this does not mean they hate sex.

Just do what you think is right. No need to label yourself. ANd if the labelling of other people bothers you too mmuch you just need to find people who can accept you for the whole three dimensional person that you are.

Good luck!

 

Hi mate,

So, you don't "see" what the guy looks like, and you like the physical aspects. What about the idea, then, that actually it's not necessarily the guy but being in control or being dominated? You didn't say who sucked who, so it's hard for me to guess, but that's my thoughts.

If you like to think of the detail and your sucking then perhaps you should reassess your sexuality (remember, it's not gay - bi - straight, but a continuum between them all!) However, if you just imagine being controlled, or demanding being sucked etc then maybe its a domination thing.

Either way, the fact that you're in a relationship shouldn't be a problem. If its occasional, you might decide not to tell your girl. However, assessing the truth for yourself and then sharing it can only lead to a better life for you in the long term. Either she'll participate in your fantasies, or you'll find you're not as compatible as you thought - even if you are in love.

Whatever you do, it's a risk. Just don't let yourself suppress yourself into silence and being miserable.

 

thanks again for the replies.

I agree that defining yourself on porn preferences is ridiculous- I had a chat with someone about this, and the reality is that porn isn't real.

I guess i quite like the idea of being dominated. Becuase I've always been with girls, i'd say that generally there is more domination from the guy in that scenario. I also know that I enjoy anal play with my girlfriend - I think I will explore this more with her!

I guess what it comes down to is this. I have been in some situations where guys have come onto me (no pun intended); the reason I haven't pursued it is becuase I haven't wanted to. So I have been asking myself why- I guess the reason is becuase I don't find guys sexy in the same way with girls or I don;t have the same innate sexal attraction to guys that I have to girls. Maybe one day i might find I do. For the time being though, I am going to conentrate on having a great sexual relationship with my girlfriend, and exploring our fantasies together...


Peace

 

U are gay and fighting it!

 

You are a fool.

 

Im the same as you, i dont find guys attractive as in... i dont fance them OR want to have a relationship with them. But i do fantasize about doing sexual stuff with them. But i probably wouldnt do it with an accual guy .