I thought I knew how I felt(?)

My ex-boyfriend (first one, and only one to date) is coming to visit me in Berlin on Friday for the weekend.

As I was planning it out I was thinking "oh cool, he's coming, itll be nice to see him again finally."

Fast forward to now- and Im thinking "what are we going to even DO?"

Quick history on this relationship:
His names Phillip, and I met him back in the US where I actually live (im only living in berlin now for an exchange trip for 11 months). He was visiting the older sister (Sara) of my exgirlfreind (Betty) (Id just realized I was fully gay and not bi). I met him while at Bettys house, and we fell in love and started dating. We kissed and then found out that Sara was in love with him and wanted to confess her love to him the very day she saw us kissing. We felt terrible, and then tried the whole 5 weeks that he was in the US to keep our relaitonship, or "affair" on the downlow. That only pissed Sara off, and by the end of Phillips visit, they were quite angry with eachother.

He left, and we were both really depressed, he sent me a letter a couple months later saying he didnt love me anymore or something, but that he always wanted to be there for me, and that even tho he lived across an ocean he wanted to be part of my life and a freind. So we've emailed since then..

He didnt email as much as I woulda liked, he said he wanted ot be there for me but he wasnt when I told him about my problems.

I told him I was pissed, and he then got pissed. We apologized, and were back on good terms, but for the first time, i naturally just stopped writing to him.

Then I got here to Germany for my exchange trip. During my frist month here, i thought "oh Ill write him since were in the same country" and then suddenly BAM! he wrote me actual emails! And hed reply really quickly and often and he wrote a lot, and it was at hte point where ID be the one not replying to his emails. We talked about meeting up, and he said hed love to, but that I had to remember we were just friends. I said "of course", because I seriously dont want him anymore as a boyfriend.

9 Months later into my exhcange trip, so, now, we planned it out and hes coming this friday.

and now that his arrival is in about 3 days, I cant stop thinking about it, and what itll be like at all.

I mean, we havent seen eachother at all for 2 years, we ahvent even spoken on the phone, and we'Ve defintley both changed ove rhte past two years, Im sure of it, everyone changes over years, and weve only written emails to eachother, most of the time short ones...so I just dont know what to expect at all with seeing him. I dont know if Ill see him and suddenly want him again, or if Ill cringe at him and wonder how I ever thought Id wanted him, or what!

And also, im thinking, Ive only ever been with him in person as we were dating and in love, so Ive always been around him treating him as a boyfriend, so seeing him again in person I feel like will be fucking with my brain, cuz my brain will associate his presence with our relationship....ah thats so poorly worded, but do you kind of get what I mean? Like, I dont know how itll be just "being freinds" with him...
So then that leads me to thinking "What a fucking minute! I thought I was fully over him! I AM over him!"

But...but...what? aah Im so confused.

Advice!

 

Well, the most you can do is show him that you're still you.

Just because you used to joke around, doesn't mean you have to stop, man.
If it helps, think of him more like a brother, ya dig?
There are plenty of other chicks and cats out there for you.

If it so happens he might want you back,
then roll with it, or not roll with it.
It all depends how you feel.
Would you not want to go with him?
If it causes you more worry, then..
don't deny those feelings- just because you felt differently before.
It's hard to keep everytihng inside, and force a smile.
And if you feel that you want to be with him..
there is no harm in telling him how you feel.
I'm sure you'd remain friends wither way.

When he visits, just remain open minded.
Anything can happen.
Old feelings may return. New ones may force themselves in.
Don't try to have your mind rationalize your feelings.
Feelings are feelings because you can't make your mind change 'em.
Also, don't let others get in the way of your emotions.
Even if they are your friend, or love him too.

Chances are, if you are wary of the visit, he's likely to pick up on it.
So remain calm, collected, and be yourself.

If it feels awkward to be around him, try not to show it.
Be hospitable, and try to create convorsation.
Joke around.

I hope I could help in some way.
Good luck,
I hope you find the answer inside yourself!

 

You might be over him, but he's been the focal point of your romantic life. I imagine you'll always have a fondness for him.

 

^thank you so much for your comments...at first i thought you had copied and pasted song lyrics just from the shapes of the paragraphs /sentences you wrote, haha
but seiousl,y thanks, what you wrote was awsome...
I just feel like it will be awkward if Im trying ot act as "just friends," whereas, i should just be acting however I feel, I think Im worrying about it unnecessarily and trying to force myself to have a certain mindset beforehand, I just need to go with the flow like ya said.
thanks

 

Ofcourse! Anytime, dude.

I know how you feel.
I'm bi and have been through alot of harships.
It's live & learn, I guess.


Haha, thanks! What a complement, man.
Never got that one before. Thats very chill of you.
I love to write.. and sometimes
I write poems/lyrics for music my friends write.
Sometimes I think it be nerdy. So mostly I do art.
But ahh welll... I've been learnin' guitar, to make up fer it.


((Oo, lol, the squiggley words and pop out, and underline ones
make it look more beautiful to me.
Make is more interesting, ya dig?
Ou, haha yah- I tend to write paragraphs<spelled right?< like that.
Makes it easier to read, and is more poetic.. hopefully, anyway.))

 

what he said.

 

Hey Piano, Listen, I've been reading your posts for quite awhile and it seems to me you've got you act together pretty well. You need to take charge of this visit and remain true to who you are. Kiwi offered excellent advice. Just believe in yourself enough to realize that you're cool and then do what's best for you. In a way you're kind of "borrowing trouble" with all your worry and concern. Relax and as Kiwi said...go with the flow. Have fun too.

 

Thanks for the complement, Right on~!

^I totally agree with you, man..^
Take charge is it, like that cool cat yarapario said.
Your collected... your a smart and good man.
Yes, have fun, ya dig?
And make sure to tell us how it goes~!
I'm sure everyone is eager to hear.

We're all rootin for yah!

 

thanks Kiwi, youre great
and thanks everyone else for the advice!