I think I am slowly slipping into insanity

My life has been really stressful lately, and the thoughts in my mind have been racing and of a completely fukt up nature. Extreme paranoia and doubt, about completely irrational shit. I see demonic images and creatures when I close my eyes and have the most fukt up nightmares lately, all of them consisting of killing people, even family member, which scare me to death.. I feel as though I am destined for hell and pain throughout the entirety of my life. Not suicidal or anything, but very self destructive thoughts and behavior. I broke my hand on purpose a few weeks ago when I was on a bunch of xanax just so the physical pain would take my mind off of the mental and emotional pain. I know all of this sounds stupid and self/drug induced, but everything is just so fukt in my life right now and I have no clue how to handle it. I've never givin up, and I never will, but I fear that these feelings and emotions may take over my life, at some point, and I really don't want that to happen.

Advice is welcome and appreciated, but not necessary. Any thoughts?

 

I hate when life starts spiraling. I'd say that it gets better, but I could (and would be) lying to ya. Time can help you. MAybe take a sobriety break? I know you don't want to, but a clear mind can help for newer exploration of drugs in the future.

 

i was going threw alot of shit a while ago, i got introuble with the law(had 2 pay a huge fine), lost a girlfriend and everywhere i looked shit was falling apart on me. This might sound gay but u know that song where it says "Gray skys are gonna clear up put on a happy face" its true. just hold on a bit,shit will turn around

i dont know about the demons and stuff your seeing, mabye 2 much xanax? or 2 little weed haha

 

I think it's just an insanely amount of stress and am undergoing clinical depression, as I have a lot of shit going on right now. Stress can make you have crazy thoughts and, in turn, make you a crazy person, in time, which is not what I want to happen. I've already been told by therapists that I may be slightly schizophrenic, so maybe it has something to do with that.

 

I'm not trying to start shit with ya TNS, just honest advice from the heart:

Take it easy on the drugs, and the haze will become thinner.

 

Thanks man. I know I need to chill on the xanax, not necessarily the weed, but yeah....the xanax. It helps to rid me of these thoughts at small doses, but when I take it to extremes, such as 15 or so xanax bars, then that's obviously too much and I end up turning into a madman. You're a good guy, as much of a fuckin troll as you are sometimes, which is hilarious btw, but you always seem to give great advice when it's called for. Don't change, man.

 

Haha, cheers man

Honestly though... taking it very easy on the xanax would be a very good start.

Be careful of what you wish for

 

Honestly, I agree with BraveSir. I would try to take a step back and just soak in life. I actually went through similar thoughts and have been plauged by OCD and paranoia/nervousness for a long time and you just have to realize that it is nothing that you can't just shut out if you try really hard. It's tough though.

 

Well, I feel better now that I have recently ingested 4 xanax bars and read all of you fine peoples' kind words. Thanks for the advice.

 

Bingo!

Exactly man. I'm glad to see ya admitting it. Good for you man, good for you. The next step is actually doing. I don't know your situation or anything and I'm not here to judge, but if your prescribed the shit, then you need it, and by all means take it. Even if your not, just slow down with the excess. Withdrawl may be a bitch with it- I'm not sure- but taking the shit in the excessive amounts you do can, and will lead you down that road, and it is a shitty one indeed.

Like I said, I'm not judging. I've been there with drugs, and despite how many times I told myself- and actually convinced myself- it had nothing to do with the drugs, well, it did. And once I learned that and cleaned up my act, voila, shit started getting better.

The weed... Hell smoke that shit up. I've found that to actually be sobering in my thought process, and helps keep me grounded, while opening me up at the same time. No need to go into the rant about how different marijuana is from a chemical induced stupor- I'm gonna bet you already know that like the back of your hand.

Remember- if you're taking Xanax to try and forget about your problems- you've already given up, to some extent.

Try to ride it out, no matter how shitty it may seem, it gets better. I know this is probably the most repeated and cliche bit of advice given on these forums- but its true. My life up until this point has been somewhat cyclical- sometimes I get depressed and feel so fucked, but then it gets better.

Best wishes

 

what always helps me with stress and all that is meditation. im not talking crossing your legs indian style shutting your eyes and huming to yourself...put on some really relaxing music, roll a phatty and lie down on your bed and relax. take everything that is stressing you out of your mind and just concentrate on the good feelings.

it will help if you can quit the xanax. let yourself down slowly by take less everyweek to the point where you dont need. i feel that drugs like xanax can only cause harm in the end. i really hope you slip away from insanity soon

 

Shit. I always thought you were cold and heartless.

 

lol thats so mean

 

Yeah, I'm with everyone else here. Lay off the drugs for a while. Drugs are known to alter your mood and cause depression, anxiety and paranoia. Not sure what xanax is, but I know pot can do these things. It depends on who you are though. I can get really paranoid on high doses of pot, and so I gauge how much I smoke. For most people, however, it helps them relax. I'm not sure how it is with you, so you'll have to judge for yourself. Heck, what would it hurt to take a break for a month or so... just to see.

You also said there's a lot of stress in your life right now. Do you think the pressure might be getting to you even without the influence of the drugs?


I know that stress can heighten schizophrenic symptoms in those who have it. A doctor I saw about 10 years ago said I seemed to be suffering from PTSD from a whole bunch of stressors that hit me all at once at that time. I was struggling with demonic and paranoid delusions. A few years later, another doctor put me on risperidone (I didn't continue taking it for more than a few months). In clinical settings, they typically differentiate between the common usage of the word "paranoid delusion" and the actually clinical usage. The common usage associates "delusions" with wild imaginations and run-of-the-mill conspiracy theories whereas in the clinical sense, a delusion is when someone introduces you to his invisible friend who he's absolutely sure is sitting right next to him, or maybe someone who runs down the street screaming "They're stealing my thoughts!!!" I don't know if these are really different conditions or if it's just a matter of where they fall on a spectrum.

Anyway, I'd be more than happy to listen to what you have to say. Don't hesitate to post more. As someone who can relate, I may be able to offer some supportive words.

 

Hush child. It will all be alright.. I promise.

 

I feel better now that I've had healthy helping of marijuana.

 

Brian, welcome aboard Trust me, it gets worse!

:tongue:

Sorry, but its true, for all of us.

 

Hey, TopNotch.

The drugs are obviously not good for you. It's not just the Xanax, from what I've read, you seem to do a lot of different drugs quite frequently. I think the best thing would be to cut back a lot, or preferably just stop using recreational drugs; they will only make your mental state worse. Even marijuana.

I wish you the best.

 

Glad to hear you're feeling better. But what you want to watch out for is if you can continue to feel this way in the longhaul. What you want is to be able to feel good and think healthy thoughts even without the help of drugs, marijuana or otherwise. If weed is helping you relieve some of the misery, that may be okay for right now, but you don't want to rely on it to solve all your problems. You want to be able to choose whether you want to use it or not. You don't necessarily need to abstain for good, but you want to be able to choose without great effort.

 

Thanks. And yes....I'm noticing that.