I'm still the same person...

Not sure what the point of my thread is gonna be but I'm gonna start out by saying I'm miffed. Actually I'm more than miffed, I'm hurt and insulted.

Our friend from this family that we've been fairly close with over the years came out last year. I've never had a problem with it. Sure it took a while to get the pronouns adjusted in my head but even her live in girlfriend had that problem. Infact, part of me was titalated by the prospect because I could gain insight into the trans scene. I've always stuck up for her in conversation when people would talk about her. I've always tried to be considerate of what she's gone through and how hard it must have been to keep your true self underwraps for so many years.

Now we don't get to see her or other of her family that often anymore. It's just something that's happened over the years (her pretrans years ) as family started to move for jobs and school and stuff. My hub and I are also fairly anit-social people as I can get hit with agrophobic kind of anxiety from time to time. Our scarce presence for all but the high holiday's has been consistant.

So there was a gather the other weekend. We had planned to go. To be honest, we didn't even know if she was going to be there or not because it was her sister that was holding the gather and they've got some major tension between them (the sister lost her father at a very young age and had always looked up to her eldest brother as a father figure, so she had a really hard time adjusting to his trans into her). We ended up bailing on the party 'cause my mum-in-law's best friend died of cancer the day before and she was in a bit of a mess and lonely.

So now we find out that our friend has officially used the line she uses on everybody else, on us as well. " Oh, they didn't come because I was here. 'Cause I'm trans and everything everybody does is about me. "

Excuse me? I'm still freakn' mad. I feel like I've been nothing but supportive. I've defended her in conversations, I've been sympathetic and she throw this fuckn' shit at me? Well, I shouldn't be surprized - she's throwing this shit at everyone - and while in a few cases she's right, in this case she's not.

Now I now what I should do. We need to have a chat and get things straightened out. Given her new found uber-bitchiness and her habit to warp everything said to be an attack against her, I'm nervous about it.

So this whole thing got me thinking. When she first came out she said " Well, I'm still the same person. Nothing's changing except my gender." Fair enough. I never had that fear about her change. Figured she'd pretty much be how she always was but with a new rack and great clothes (Seriously, she looks fabulous. She's a real good looking woman and often mistaken as a GG)

Wrong! She did change personality wise.

Now, truely I don't have much of a problem with change in general. Infact when she said 'I'll be exactly the same person' a part of me wondered how that could be so, given the complexity and the enormity of the change. How could it not to some degree? His male personality was a certain way because she was keeping a very large part of her true self hidden and burried for decades. Now I can see that a good portion of her underlaying personality is the same but what seems to have also happened is that her quietly subtle laid back scathing personality had been blown into Loud Mouth Uber Bitch Supreme and I'm finding that my friend is perhaps changing into someone I don't like.

They way I look at it though is that it's her life. If part of becoming more herself means that she's become an uber bitch supreme, well then power to her and her new direction. I can understand that she's suppressed her feminity for so long that she's going through alot, inlcuding the sudden freedom of being out and catching up on all the girly stuff she's missed out on over the years. And I know some of it is a reactonary response to some of the negativity that's come her way during the change as well. But she has indeed changed in personality but to suggest otherwise means that we're being insensitive and she'll freak out.

I know I need to accept that sometimes friends need to part ways and that this is probably going to be where this friendship is going but I'm tired of stepping on eggshells when all it got me was a slap in the face. I want to be myself around my friends, just as she wants. (by stepping on eggshells, I mean when around her I tried not to use my most common pronouns for people..being 'man' and 'dude' - which oddly niether me nor any of my GG friends have a problem with. Hell, my husband calls me dude. Stuff like that.)

Anyways, there's my vent. There's a lot more related to this that I could go on about but I'll leave it at this. I had to let it out somewhere where I felt I could be understood from many angles and perhaps get an insight on how to talk to her rationally. Also, there's so many quilt trips getting tossed about that even though I know my feelings are just as valid as anyone elses, I still feel bad for having those feelings.

le sigh...

 

I'm in the process of parting from a friend at the moment after ten years I'm finding it difficult even being in the same room with her- its not a very pleasent experince is it?
There does come a point where one has to think that one has done not only enough but has acted in the best interests and the best thing to do is let it go.

In your case I think there is another course of action first, don't ring her as you are risking having a huge row on the phone, write her a letter and put your feelings down in it.
remember to own your feelings "I feel like this when you do this" and not "when you do this it makes me feel like this" the last will be percieved as you going on the attack and she will go on the defensive.
photocopy the letter so if she claims you said somethings in it you'll have the evidence there to say you didn't and you won't remember the letter when you've sent it.
In this case she is transexual, but most people change drastically during the course of their lives and unfortuantly can end up leaving people behind in the process
S