I'm going to be 21 years old in a little over a month. I'm a virgin, never been in a relationship. I am a physically attractive guy (or so I've been told by a lot of people), and this used to be a source of confidence but I've been realizing that it doesn't make a damn bit of difference in anything. I have some pretty severe social anxiety. I can't approach a girl or start a conversation with one no matter how determined I am to do so. If a girl starts a conversation with me the best I can do is give one or two word answers to her questions and never say anything else. I can see how stupid and ridiculous it is to be this way but its outside of my control. For a lot of years, about up until this year in college, I would convince myself that I was changing and making progress and I'd eventually either get the confidence to act in a way that girls could actually like or maybe just be approached by a girl. But the second just doesn't happen - girls will smile at me or make eye contact with me but I guess its just like a social standard that the guy approaches the girl and never the other way around. And the first just isn't going to happen. I've really been trying hard, telling myself over and over again that I just have to grow some balls and get over my fear and make a move but I can't make myself do it. In the past two years of college I've met three girls who liked me when they first met me but quickly lost interest when I could barely say a few words to them. It's kind of frustrating because it seemed like a good part of the reason they were interested was the fact that I'm shy, but I guess girls only want you to appear shy, not actually be that way. Since I'm on a college campus I see attractive women everywhere I go, herds of them all all over the place and all my loneliness and sexual frustration is driving me nuts. Its like I've finally come to understand that I'm never going to be with a girl, I'm just going to have myself for however long I'm alive; but I haven't accepted it at all. Knowing you can't have something that is commonplace for anyone else and that you can't help but fixate on most of the time is torture. I can't believe how frustrated I'm getting over this. I want to rampage through my room and destroy everything I can get my hands on. I want to break windows, televisions, computers, anything and everything. Kind of like thrashing widly as you drown, arms and legs flying all over the place. Not that it will do you any good, but as the last bits of oxygen are depleted irrational instinct takes over and you do the only thing you can do. It really is like drowning, I'm so helpless to help myself out of this shit. I"ve even tried to accept it, just let it go and and enjoy life for what it is but Its not an option. Biology dictates that I think about women, relationships, and sex constantly. Whenever I see an attractive girl anymore I just get this sick feeling in my stomach and a dull pain in my chest and the thought that I will never hug or kiss or be loved by this girl. And I have to go through this hundreds of times a day, every day. Its killing me. Don't tell me "you'll find that special girl" or "you'll meet the right one." I've heard that shit so many times that I just want to vomit whenever somebody says it to me anymore. I'm not looking for my perfect fit or the right girl. I'm looking for any girl, at this point I really don't have much of anything in the way of standards. But even that doesn't matter. Even the few girls I"ve met with social problems as bad as mine won't tolerate those same problems in a guy, which makes me even more angry because it seems pretty hypocritical. Girls don't have to have any confidence at all, just a vagina (and good looks help) and some guy will eventually come. But A guy can be nice (maybe a better word is 'sympathetic,' or maybe benevolent) and good looking, but no girl will want him if he's too shy to have a conversation with her. I've thought about getting counselling but the university doesn't offer it any later than like 8:00 in the morning for some reason, and college has fucked my sleep schedule and I can't get myself to wake up that early without getting really stressed over it, making my depression a lot worse. I already got charged $20 for missing the one appointment I scheduled because I could not get myself out of bed for it. And honestly I don't think somebody talking to me for an hour once a week is going to cure my problems, that just seems far too good to be true. Anyway, I don't expect anyone to have some advice that will end my problems, or to really be able to help me at all. I just have to vent this shit so I don't go completely insane.
you can find someone, but you need to work on yourself first. and i do think that counselling is av ery good option, especially with social anxiety issues lik eyours. professional help can be good for ya
You definitely need professional help...I suffer from social anxiety and depression as well, but perhaps less severely. Another thing (even though I'm probably going to catch hell on this thread for saying it) is going to a prostitute. It's not for everybody, but if the idea isn't repulsive to you, I'd consider it. One because you're going to release the pressure of your virginity and repressed libido. Two, because you're going to see that women and sex are no big deal at all, and that MAY be instrumental in changing your relationship to women. There is another reason: there are a lot of attractive/intelligent guys out there who aren't shy and still have problems getting laid. If you live in the U.S. getting laid or getting a relationship is a very tough proposition indeed. Gender and human relations here are very poor. So don't delude yourself into thinking that if you weren't shy you'd be getting laid, it's more complicated than that. There is an economical aspect to this thing: men who are sought by women are rich, and rich men are sought by women. The (quasi-) celibate or happily commited women will deny it. But the women who are sexually active and stuff, do consider wealth and status in the near totality of cases. If you do go forward with the prostitute idea, I'd advise you to do your research beforehand (pics, rates, etc.) --- craigslist.com is a good start, and talk to her on the phone to make sure she's going to treat you nicely. Get someone who's attractive and clean and works in a nice environment --- don't, by any means, throw yourself in a situation that's going to disgust you, because your frustration will grow worse. Also, make sure it's not some empty quickie. Ideally this should be someone whom you could see again, and spend a good half-hour or so just talking. And by all means do not direspect her as a human being. Good luck.
i have to disagree with fexurbis. dont go to a prostitute. if you are an attractive guy then there is no need. dont stoop to that level. i dont know what its like in the states but if i guy told me that he lost hiv virginity to a prostitute i would not sleep with him. counselling may help. when you meet a girl, it may help to assume she has a boyfriend. if you think she is taken you will get to know her as a friend and you will be able to talk to her without cramping up. once you are comfortable with her as a friend then you can start to think about her in other ways. and then you can take your confidence you have gotten to other girls. it may also help to think of some things to talk about in advance. so you meet a girl. she asks you some questions, you give the one word answer... awkward silence... ask her about herself. where did she grow up? does she have any pets? whats her favourite colour?? does she like scrambled eggs? just one or two simple things to get a conversation started. and if you feel weird, just take a breath. i garuntee she wont notice you breathing hope this helps you can talk to me anytime. i am a girl.
Try joining some clubs or social organizations where you and the others are engaged in pursung a common goal. This way you can talk to girls about things of common interest and you don't have to make "small talk", which you are not yet good at doing. Once you get friendly with some of the females in the group, if they are interested in you things will develop. After all, they may have joined the group in part to meet shy guys like you.
Reading your post was like reading about me at high school and I'm still the same right now at uni... ouch. So I guess I need counselling too? Hmmm.
Well if you can approach us than you can approach a girl simple as that Would you like to go out for a coffee? Would you like to go out for dinner on suvh and such a night? What night would be good for you It looks like a nice evening would you like to go for a evening walk down near the river park Wana geta ice cream? Wana go to the movies this weekend what kind of movies do you like to watch?
If you are making this all about loosing your virginity, the girl to take it will be gone soon afterwards, and you'll be alone again. Why don't you focus on the aspect of yourself that is afraid to get close? Wouldn't you rather make something meaningful instead of just loosing your virginity because society says you should? That's bullshit. I promise you that a girl would much more appreciate a guy that waited instead of a guy that went to a prostitute. YUCK.
Get some help for your social anxiety...they make wonderful pills these days... Don't waste your time talking about it, go do something about it.
Well, the thing is, shy guys are nice, but they have to warm up EVENTUALLY. My boyfriend was a virgin when i met him in college (he was 20 and never had a GF and didnt have the guts to talk to girls). One day he asked me a question about something in class and when i smiled at him he turned beet red and was so embarrassed he didnt talk to me (or even look at me) for weeks. I thought it was funny so i kept sitting next to him and talking to him even though he didnt really talk back. One day i asked him if he wanted to get some lunch and after that we had lunch every day. Then one day out of the blue he said "i really want to kiss you" and it was all downhill from there. We currently live together and are still in school. The moral of the story? You have to talk back eventually. If my BF hadnt started talking i would have just figured that nothing i was talking about was interesting and he wasnt interested in me so i would have just quit.
It's not all about losing my virginity. That is part of it, I mean it feels kind of pathetic and shameful when everyone I know, even my close friends who are pretty shy as well have lost theirs. But I think its even more embarrassing that I've never been in a relationship. I'm really lonely, I only have a handful of friends on campus and I only ever hang out with three of them (and only one on a regular basis because the other two are dating.) It's more the lack of that contact comfort. There's nobody I can hold or touch. On the rare occasion that I've been priviliged enough to feel a girl's skin against my own I feel happy, blissful, fucking amazing. . . I could hold a girl for hours on end. I would say I love talking to girls too but obviously I don't really do any talking. Still, i don't mind listening to them talk (well, most of them), especially when they're talking to me. I wouldn't resort to prositution. Honestly I think I'd rather kill myself than have to pay a girl to like me. And I don't want to take pills if it can be avoided. I've never been on a medication in my life and I'd prefer to keep it that way. They wanted to put me on ritalin in elementary school because I had some behavioral problems and problems getting work done but my mother refused and I'm glad she did - I grew out of THOSE problems by middle school (for the most part). But before third grade I was in a different school building (the elementary grades were split into two schools, one k-2 and the other 3-5) where I had only a couple friends and most people avoided me or made fun of me and a few would hit me or push me off of playground equipment just for the hell of it. The adults that would watch us on the playground never did anything about it, but they were glad to take me to the office whenever something went wrong. One time I was on one of the playground toys next to one of my few friends and he fell off and got a bloody nose. When the hall monitors came over they decided I must have pushed him because he couldn't stop crying to tell them what hapened. Thats just one example of what seemed like hundreds. I was never hostile towards anyone, yet I was treated as a malevolent child. Every time I'd go to see the principal (which was very often) he'd yell at me and slam his fist on his desk and take away more recess or some other privilige. I think all this coupled with a father with a short temper and a propensity for yelling (he never physically abused me but he sure made me feel worthless most of the time) conditioned me to have no self confidence whatsoever, at least when it came to other people - I was confident in being able to do what mattered to me. I was actually a generally happy person from third grade through high school graduation despite only having a few friends, none of them women. I guess I always had this optimismtic belief that I would change eventually, that there was no way I couldn't. Anymore I think I was just waiting for some girl to find me and do the work for me. Just after graduation I kind of realized that nothing was happening so I tried to be bold and make myself talk to girls but I rarely succeeded. As a matter of fact I think I have yet to approach a girl in person. I started talking to a couple girls that lived on the same dorm floor as me through the internet (one last year and one this year) and they seemed interested in me when I could write what I wanted to say instead of speaking it. But I only ever hung out with them in person once. They were always "busy" after that. There was also a girl in one of my classes second semester last year who I partnered up with one time because we happened to be sitting next to eachother. I guess she liked something about me, she made friends with me on facebook and I ended up sitting next to her every day and walking with her on her way to her next class for the remainder of the semester, at least on the days that we both showed up to class, which were much fewer than they probably should have been. I hung out with her a couple times outside of class, never being able to say much of anything so she did most of the talking. I assumed she didn't like me at the end of the year (I was discouraged by some stuff that wasn't really a big deal at all but I tend to exhaggerate failures as I think anyone with my problems does). But she contacted me at the beginning of this school year and we hung out a couple times. I never was able to talk freely with her. I was always just as nervous as when I first met her, and despite her unusual patience she eventually got tired of waiting for me to be comfortable around her. It didn't help that she was the most beautiful girl I've ever met and a very social, confident person. I think that was intimidating somehow. Anyway. . . most of that probably isn't relevant to anything but thats what came out when I sat down to type a reply. blah.
Ok, so it seems like the poster wants an affectionate relationship. I misunderstood it as simply a pressure to lose his virginity and having sex - which by the way, can have absolutely nothing to do with societal pressures; I'm referring to biological pressures. In that case I could give a fuck about what women will think of him paying for sex (not that they need to know, it's none of their business). It is his body and his life, nobody else's. That is the reason why I suggested a prostitute. But if the OP wants an emotional connection (and on top of it is repulsed by the idea of paying for sex) obviously a prostitute is not the way to go. Yet and still, not wishing to highjack the thread, I'd say the prejudice against prostitutes is unjustified and religious in nature. Hail the puritans! That being said, I would then go along the lines cutted mentioned. College clubs and so on. That way you can SHARE A PRODUCTIVE ACTIVITY with the women you'll meet. Coffee, candle-lit dinners, and movies have NEVER fostered a true human connection. A hard concept to get across in a society that is overflowing with superficial human interaction.
You're going a long way in discovering the roots and features of your social anxiety (as I continue to do myself). What you're doing is nothing other than therapy. I commend you for your effort and wish you good luck. Let us know how things progress!
