Hi all! I'm in a little bit of a quandry, and wanted to try to get some impartial advice and perspective... I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now - we've been serious and officially 'together' for about 4 or 5. When we first got together we were both just enjoying each other, the company, the exchange of ideas, the closeness, but neither of us were taking it that seriously, as I had just emerged (blind-eyed into the light!) from a Loooooong relationship, and he was planning on travelling. Our relationship has grown and become a lot more serious, and now we find that we've fallen for each other. We spend alot of time together. Recently, I've been thinking about him travelling again, and now I feel that I don't want to allow myself to be involved with him, knowing that he's going to go away. I don't want to talk about it, and now I'm thinking that I may end our relationship because then I won't be left behind. I'm resenting myself for being so stupid and allowing things to get so serious. And I'm thinking about just staying away, not answering his calls etc. to try to ease away from having to spend time with him. He doesn't want any of this and feels that we should make the most of all the time we have until he goes (and he keeps reminding me that it's not a permanent going away). So to get to the point - should I listen to my heart and just melt into togetherness until it's ended, or should I listen to my head and protect my heart by pulling away now? xx
How long is he travelling for, how often might you be running into this problem if you chose to stay, and why don't you want to discuss this with him? I can understand your resentment at having allowed things to escalate prematurely, or at all; but that being said and now that it's happened, why not take charge of some of the issues here? I mean, were it me, I'd harbor a little resentment if my gf suddenly turned a cold shoulder one day with no explanation, but if she talked openly and honestly about the issues affecting her, I'd have to at least respect that, and perhaps hope for better on some future date, if things are more provincial. Seems a little defeatist to me, but if you're sure that's your stance, I'd say end it, get out now until your ready to give it a go again.
Hmmm...I am also thinking about how it's going to be for him to go - should we cease to be together it would undoubtedly be easier for him to go off with adventure in his heart and without looking back... It just seems like such bad timing...he'll be going for 6 weeks to 3 months. I don't want to discuss it with him for fear that any of it may appear to him as me not wanting him to go! Of course I don't want him to go (for me) but I want him to go for his own life and the experiences he would gain through it all... My reaction isn't a purely selfish one, I don't think. Though I see what you're saying in that I should talk to him about it. thanks for your considered response x
Life is a series of small pleasures, followed by huge disappointments. Enjoy what little time you have left. Keep in mind too, that this is a long, long life, you never know what road will lead where.....
I agree - though I am finding it difficult, now, to enjoy the time we have due to the fact that I'm kind of just waiting for him to go...which is not what he deserves. I suppose neither of us knows what's going to happen...I've travelled and plan to do so again in the near future... But what do I do with repeated drunken moments when he asks me to go (other than continue to laugh it off another drunken moment?!) x
Well, I still say talk to him about it, and say exactly what you just did regarding how you want him to enjoy himself and how you don't want him to go at the same time, you know, all that's on your mind. Perhaps it's that time for a break? Perhaps you need a little time to think things through and figure out if this relationship is something that you really want whether he would be leaving or not? I mean, to me, waiting 3 weeks or 3 months wouldn't be a bad deal if that's someone I'd *really* like to be with. If it were something you'd have to deal with alot, then well, that might be different.... I will impart a related story though, as it's very similar... two of my better friends had just got into a relationship, the guy had a spur of the moment opportunity to go spend 3 weeks in Costa Rica, all expenses paid. She didn't want him to go, didn't say anything at all about it, expecting him to pick up on her "signals". So he leaves, and she proceeded to start seeing some other guy, simply for revenge at his lack of intelligence (right?!!?). But when he came back from Costa Rica, it suddenly occurred to her that she fucked up. To add to that, he didn't even really want to go; turns out he would've rather stayed with his new girlfriend than leave the country, but at her insistence, he went. So they broke up, and a little honest communication would have prevented that whole fiasco. Take from that whatever you will, although, individuals being what they are, by definition, are different; or something.
Mucho thought inspiring...thank you. I suppose there is a thought that I am pushing it towards an end I think he wants, and one which is easier for me because I don't even have to consider what my feelings are because they're 'beyond my control'... Thanks...I'll spend some more time thinking it through - possibly to decide not to think about it any more and just take it as it comes! The reactions of a self-protecting, paranoid mind!!
Well, far be it for ME to give relationship advice! lol Kinda sorta been where you are at....several years back. It's a toughie. However, honesty(w/yourself) and communication is the best with anything in any relationship! Discuss what you both want and where you would like to see the relationship go....take if from there. If he mutually wants a future, then make a plan together.....maybe he needs and wants you to be there for him, even if he goes. It's so hard for us to not feel/be selfish. I have also learned the more you try to control a situation or person, the more it works against you, as the inevitable will be regardless of the fight. Now if you let go of the control, however it manifests itself in any situation, the more chance you have of things working out in your favor. Just remember, that doesn't mean "in your time" lol....but God's time, if it is meant to be. You didn't say whether or not either of you have children .....as well, then that's a whole new ballgame too! Wish the best for you! The mind and the heart......funny things!
ohhh, Lummy no!! No children, both young and free (in everything other than the 'single' sense!)... I think you're right about control, and I think that's what my problem has been...I have been trying to ensure that through it all I am okay and haven't really thought about him or just going with the flow...which is what I do best!! Sod it! We live with immense pressure every day of our lives and the least we can do is allow ourselves some freedom of the heart! thanks!
Im actually in the same position you are only a little different. My guy broke up with me because he is planning on moving to New York next June. I wanted to make the most of the time that we have until he left, but he didn't want to make it harder on us if he actually did leave. So, I kinda know what you are going through.
Bless you - it sounds like you're in his position and I'm in the similar position to your man. Breaking up is a self protection thing, and isn't related to how much I do or don't feel for him...damn it! I turned up at his house last night to talk to him. My friends think that he wants me to ask him not to go. There is absolutely no way I would be able to do that, though...so I may just go with him!!
