I wrote these poems (and one haiku) for a school project. The name of the collection is "Concrete Monotony". Let me know what you think. I still have time to tweak them a bit, so constructive criticism is welcome. -CSNM Mental Massage The thin curl of a dream is drawn into the soul, The eyes are open, beads of sweat begin to form, The mind at last has rest, then the fear sets in. The ideas swarm like a thunderclap of toxic hornets, Yet their sting is sweet as honey. The pollen penetrates the imagination with ease, And even the faithful on their knees Will gladly bow to it's awesome power. The spiritual message of the cranium, Is enough to keep you trapped in its iron web. Tempter The beast within its ancient tomb, Watches the babe crawl in its room, The crimson eyes peer into the night, Knowing what is wrong, Avoiding what is right. The venomous fangs unsheathed and ready, To tear the flesh from the curious visitor, One by one its victims fall, Under the beasts heavily laden claw. Bum On the side of the highway is where I spend my days, Watching the cars speed past in the dusty haze. The people rushing to and fro, All seem to know which way to go. I sit contently on the sidewalk, And watch this world as would a hawk. My home is safe, secure and desolate, For unchanged happiness I was desperate. My home adorned in memories and trials, Which have been archived in the files. All the concrete monotony, Seems to have forgotten me. Race People all have skin Some black, some white and some tan All their blood is red
I like these, too. Just be careful in "Mental Massage"... starting too many lines with the same word can get awkward. Actually, now that I read it again, all the "the"s are kind of cool - the "yet" comes as a nice release... maybe you should de-capitalize all but the first "the," though, because if they are all equally emphasized they are like identical rails in a picket fence you know, just kind of white and pointy and meaningless... dang but I do love that "yet."
Thanks for the kind words you two! I'm surprised that you guys liked 'em. Major: I know what you mean about the capitalization thing. I like how you described it as a picket fence, that was cool.
Very nice use of skills and profound messages; a full spectrum which blends differences into a powerful flow.
I liked all of them. Though, the haiku was kind of... used? That's my only criticism. My favorite four lines... " My home adorned in memories and trials, Which have been archived in the files. All the concrete monotony, Seems to have forgotten me."
I liked the first one the best, has great images and flow. Though, it sounds an awful lot like getting stoned, so be careful handing that in at school. the one about the homeless man was good as well. the haiku, I didn't like so much. Maybe because I'm a haiku nut and really respect it as an art, so i can be kinda critical i guess. It comes a bit close to being opinion, which isn't in the haiku spirit, and also, the 5-7-5 syllable thing is too long for english haikus, given lingual differences. 3-5-3 is better, or just shoot for around 12 syllables; the number of lines don't matter as much as the spirit. As far as capitalization goes, well, a picket fence needs a gate, or you're stuck on the outside. I prefer to capitalize like I was writing regular sentences. It's expected and doesn't draw attention to the fence as much, instead letting you through to the yard and house, which it the important thing.
That obvious, eh? I actually showed my teacher what I had so far so she can help me re-work it a bit. She had a completely different interpretation than what I intended, and she was curious about where I got my inspiration for it. She thought it might have been a spiritual or sexual experience, but I just said it was a "chemical experience". She understood what I meant and we had a long discussion about it. I have a deep trust for my teacher. I spend a lot of time talking to her afterschool, and I know that I can trust her not to narc on me to the administration. That was my first attempt at a haiku, and I appreciate the criticism. I really like writing poems, and I'm working on technique. As for the "picket fence", my teacher helped me re-work it a bit so that it's more broken up. Now I have a few different entrances to the yard.
Really good. The first was my favourite. "The ideas swarm like a thunderclap of toxic hornets," was my favourite line.
