I have ruined more relationships than I can count with fears that I have about being close, emotionally, to someone. I am not so much paranoid as I am just insecure and scared that a guy will find out I am not as good as he might be thinking once he gets to know me. I cover up in public with an upbeat personality and a smile on my face, and I fear that once a guy gets to know me, he will see something much darker and very oppsite of what he thinks I am. Last year I let my heart and fear go and got it badly broken. Not a day goes by when I don't think of him, so it is hard for me to even think about a new relationship. I almost would rather be single than let myself go again. There's a boy now that I am slowly letting myself get close to, but it is very difficult. There are days where I want to hate him just so I can close myself off and not have to deal with the chances of getting hurt again. It's not like I can't commit; I just feel like it would be so much hurt if I did. Logically I know that not every guy will hurt my feelings, and that I will never be happy if I keep shutting myself off from people. But it is so much easier said than done, and I havn't te slightest idea of how to take down this sheild that I have built so high.
I think i can relate to you in some ways, but give it more time, try it out. this guy might not be the one you will spend the rest of your life with anyway. instead of fearing the worst could happen, accept it. if it happens, it happens. every good or bad thing has an end. you dont live your life constantly thinking that you will die one day right? so why ruin whatever it is that you live with someone, just because of the fear of it ending one day. it might or it might not. Just make peace with it and you will see that you will be more comfortable anytime before, during or after a relation.
