Nervous about meeting partner's father...

My fella does not have a very good relationship with his folks. Okay, that's putting it a little lightly... :& They've been divorced as long as he can remember, and his mother did a very half-assed job of raising him. He's never had any kind of stability - mom's been married 6 times, dad 3 times (though his last marriage has lasted 20 years, Ian's 33 now...) His mom always wanted to be doing something else, and stuck him with her folks a lot (her folks hated this, and hated his dad, and you can guess how they treated him). When he was a young kid they'd stick him on an airplane to go to dad's house for a couple months or so - there was never any real communication here, just tag team parenting, with everyone competing for the right to NOT have this poor child in their care.

As long as I've known him, about 5.5 years, Ian has periodically checked in with his mom. When I went back to school and we settled in Oregon for a couple of years, she coincedentally moved to the same town a few months after us, and we got together every few months for a meal or something. She's an insufferable born-again-Christian fundementalist , and she and I (she and he, for that matter) tolerate each other, but don't really LIKE one another that much. During this entire time, his dad lived on the coast an hour from us, and we never called. Ian had his phone number, and every once in a while it would come up, but he just didn't want to. I stayed away from the subject, because I can understand where he's coming from and didn't want to push it. Now, we live 2200 miles away from the Oregon coast, and he finally got around to making the call last week.

His dad is alive and mostly well, and was surprised and seemed pleased to hear from him. Of course, with 7+ years no word from your vagabond son, you'd have to be a pretty big asshole to not be glad all's well. In any case, I didn't detect the "What do you want?" tone that had driven Ian away to begin with. Ian mentioned that we were planning a short trip out to Oregon this summer, and we made tentative plans to go out and visit for an afternoon while we're there.

Now, in some ways (mainly the religion thing) I feel like I have a much better chance of getting along with his dad than his mom. In other ways, not so much. Much of that whole side of the family got their money from logging. Hell, his last name is still on a logging company out there. They're also bigtime hunters and country-music lovers (I'm not talking good country, but the cheesy radio crap)...

I'm just nervous about this whole thing. The idea of meeting him after all this time... having another person around to harrass us about marriage and babies... makes my head want to pop! I guess I mostly just wanted to get all this off my chest, but if anyone has any helpful comments or suggestions about how to deal with this, I'd appreciate it!

 

I'd try to give the old man the benefit of the doubt when you meet him. He may have changed since Ian last saw him... And if he hasn't? Then be happy you aren't going to be marrying his father!

 

A friend of mine had a very similar upbringing to your partner, and he is now in his thirties as well. He spent several years never being in contact with his parents, but recently his dad came back into his life. Despite their differences and all the years, they decided that life was too short and decided to find a connection as father and son anyway. It can happen, and when it does, it's quite beautiful. Now my friend's son can know his grandfather, which is definitely a good thing. Also, his partner got to meet his dad, and despite their differences, their gatherings are quite pleasant

 

Thanks for the words, ladies! I'm definitely trying to go down there with an open mind... I'm nervous as heck, but what can be done about that? Fact is, the guy seemed genuinely pleased to hear from him, and even more pleased when he found out we'd be able to come say hi. They both skirted the fact that Ian lived so close for so long without a word. I guess all I can do is put on my brightest smile, be supportive, and hope it goes well! This visit is not about me, and I need to remember that.

Anyways, no matter what happens it won't be more than a few hours' visit - our trip out is going to be *painfully* short.

 

Just wanted to update... A few days ago his dad actually called out of the blue to say that "Everything's fine, and nobody's died!" (When Ian called it had been so long that a few uncles and aunts and such had passed away in the interim)

Ian's birthday is this coming Tuesday (4/10) and I'm interested to see if he remembers it.

A part of me is still wishing I could just bow out of the visit - not because I don't want to meet the guy, but because I don't want to feel like I'm in the way of them in their little father/son catch-up time. But I know he wants me there for support. Besides that (and I hate to even think of the possibility) so that in a worst case scenario, I could drive us away while he gets his head together. Lord know he's done it for me enough times.

 

Ahh! Now I'm freaking out all over again, we just decided to get married - and when I do meet the guy it'll be on my wedding day! Holy crap, I just had to share/vent for a minute... We haven't even told him yet. Ah, this is way too stressful! :&

 

Well I guess this means I've got to quit trying to set you up with my youngest son, the pipe maker.
Best wishes and have a very happy life together....Dennis