Everyone has had the lonely nights where it just felt like no one understood. There are those moments in time when there is nothing to do and no one to talk to about anything. Everyone around you seems distant and un-interesting. You've heard all there is to say and every vice has already been explored or ruled out due to other complications. In my case, at these moments, I look for someone to understand me. Now, let me explain what this means... It isn't what most people casually accept as fulfillment... whereby someone nods at your every word and somehow satisfies your need to vent internal frustrations. It isn't someone who shares in the same problems as me and wants to vent with me, because it is never the same problem. It definitely is not the need for pity, compassion, or kind words. I'm too smart for these things... and generally if there is any satisfaction to be gained from these childish pleasures, I exploited their potency long ago. In moments like these, I am numb because I remain heavily unstimulated. My mind has taken its toll for the day or week and after all the necessary mundane tasks are complete I still feel like a vegetable. There is pleasure, at times, but rarely stimulation. So I enter a chat room, or speak to a stranger, or meet with friends. And during all the conversations that ensue I am secretely wondering if the individual I speak to will somehow change into something I do not expect. Somehow suprise me and thrill me with their experiences, thoughts, or emotions. Of course, these sorts of things can be arbitrated and anyone who is a close friend of mine that reads this may attempt to do so, but anything arbitrary is blatent. I will see it coming, and know why it came. Which brings me to the uniqueness that is me. In every social situation I have ever been a part of I have either stayed in the back and observed in quietude, or I silenced certain parts of me to interact as honestly as possible with those around me. I have always found it hard to believe that the world is much simpler than me. I have always believed that people were exactly like me at one time and adjusted to the world to fit in, which is why it seems to me that everyone fits in so much more naturally than I do. And this is a possiblity. An extension of this is the possibility that many of the people that did change to facilitate the world (over themselves) forgot about the internal struggle they had over time, and eventually lost contact with those parts of them that they attempted to silence. For some, it is possible they are gone forever. For others, it may resurface every now and then. Then, is that what this is, right now? Am I observing my existance from the inside of a bubble which will last only this night? Will the world seem normal and will I fit in tomorrow? Is this the brief moment in time where the true me exits and interracts with the world, only to vanish the next day? In a way, it is a sad concept. To lose a part of me. To lose this awareness and understanding of the way things are, other people, my wit and intelligence. But I, sadly enough, wish this night to end... I have eaten nothing, and find interest in nothing. This brief encounter with a struggling me echoes defeat and regret into my mind... feelings I would be better off without. But I think I would miss this. I would miss keeping in contact with the real me. That is the uniqueness that differentiates me from you... which is the only thing that valuates me. I would want someone to understand all this... to empathise with this... and to feel a kinship to me because of this. To feel exactly this, and stimulate me with their words... because only they themselves would know what they could predictably say, that would mean absolutely nothing to me.... And avoid those words.
