I know I'm a guy, but I need the opinions of women on this....

I'm writing this short story for a assignment and writing contest at my school. It is about a future Earth that is ruled by women. But as I began to write the story. I became worried about how people might react to it. I would like to repeat that I am NOT sexist. But I realized that it would only be right and respectful to get someone's opinion about the outline of the story. So, I thought who better than women? Anyway, here is what happens:

I got this idea after watching the old movie Planet of the Apes. Please no one take offense to that. There are six astronauts in the year 2078 in orbit around Venus. They are experimenting on how to travel at the speed of light. One of the astronauts is a woman named Lisa. The main character of the story is an astronaut named Lawrence. Anyway, during the 15 month flight while the astronauts are frozen in a deep sleep the ship goes through a time warp and is flung 2,000 years into the future.

When they land on Earth they find that after they left Earth in the past. A great war broke out using biological and chemical weapons. Millions of people were killed. The United Nations had banned nuclear weapons in this story because I am an environmentalist and I just couldn't desicrate the Earth. Anyway, after the war the United Nations collapses and the world is left in shambles. During this time women in many parts of the world are abused and raped and beaten and enslaved. Women, led by a woman who will turn out to have been Lawrence's cousin who was raped, rebel and eventually take over the entire world and set up their own society. They rewrite history and then pronounce that men can not have any equality or power because they are simply too violent to rule any civilization.

All adult men 21 years of age and older are put into three slave groups. The first is the capitol class-these men are classified as being to violent and cruel to live. These men are used for hunting, execution, and for target practice for women's military training.

The second class are the 'wild men'-these men are not violent but were too undesirable to be put into the third class, so they were released into the wild and kept track of while they live in the forests.
The third class is the pleasure class-these men are used only for breeding or simply as sex slaves for women.

Men and boys who are younger than 21 years are put in communities where they are kept safe and untouched in any way until they are 21 years old and can be put into one of the three groups. Mentally and severely physically handicapped men are not put in any of the groups. They are put in special hospitals where the women take care of them and they are kept safe and untouched for the rest of their lives.
What do you think?

Please I don't want to offend anyone with this short story. My subplot is actually saying that a society ruled by women would actually be better and more humane and that women need to be respected and treated fairly by men or men will lose any right they have equality, because they do not give equality. The message is aimed towards parts of the world where women are often abused and denied their God given rights. So what do you guys think?

 

Here's some writing tips from my POV.

1. Paragraphs are your friend if you ever want things to be read, including forum posts. Its hard to read a post that's a huge block of text without going crosseyed or just giving up.

2. Never apologize for your work. I can understand with thread trends that perhaps the amount of time you tell us all not to take offense is probably to protect against those who flame easily but - this is your work and while asking opinions is good, have enough of a pair to show you have conviction and some passion behind your story and don't apologize for it in every paragraph.

2b. Also being overly concerned with what the reader is going to think about 'author's intent' can lead you down the wrong path. It's ok to be respectful but if you're concerned too much it will show in your writing and probably not in a good way.

3. Where's your plot? Nice setting. Interesting society. I think as a setting it shows a lot of promise but what's your plot? What happens to the characters? Or is this sort of story that's more just a narrative of society through one person's eyes? Just trying to get a grasp on the style of story you're headed for - perhaps plot isn't necessary. (or you left it out 'cause you wanted opinion on the society and not the plot)

4. When entering a writing contest, it's best to go with something truly original. If you'd like to pilfer the PoA, I'd at least change things up a little more instead of going for, what is essentially, a mirror with a different reflection.

Best of luck to you and keep writing!!

 

Thank you so much for the constructive critisism. It really helped. I'm going to edit my original post and divide it into paragraphs.

I know I shouldn't care what other people think so much. I've always known that would be the death of any author. But its not that I care what other guys are going to think (somehow I think they would like the idea of a society where men are sex slaves). I mainly just care about what the girls will think. I don't want them to think that I am some sexist warmonger trying to potray women as villians, because I am not.
As for the plot, there's kind of a backstory here, Lawrence has a cousin who is raped before the war and before he leaves for space. In the story, Lawrence receives help from two kind aristicratic women who reluctantly help him to find out how the world came to be ruled by women. Because in the story the women themselves don't know exactly how this society came into being because the ancestors who founded it rewrote history and said that women had always ruled. Once again, this is based off of planet of the apes, hence the similarities, especially in the ending.
In the ending Lawrence, Colton, and Lisa (three surviving astronauts because three are killed in the story) escape into the wilderness and stumbles upon some ruins. There he finds a murel of the face of the woman who supposedly was the first to rebel and set up the feminist society. Lawrence is shocked when he sees the face of the woman is that of his cousin who had been raped.
Beneath the murel the message reads:
HAIL, TO THE GREAT FOUNDER AND EMPRESS OF OUR NEW WORLD,
SHE SAVED US FROM THE MEN WHO SOUGHT TO RAPE AND BEAT US,
THE MEN WHO INTENDED TO SUBJIGATE US AFTER THE GREAT WAR,
THE MEN WHO TOOK OUR FREEDOM AND KILLED OUR DAUGHTERS,
SHE DESTROYED MANKIND AND AVENGED ALL WOMANKIND OF HER PAIN,
OUR GREAT LEADER SET US FREE AND FOR THAT WE ARE GRATEFUL,
THAT IS WHY WE DEDICATE THIS MEMORIAL IN HER HONOR,
SO THAT CASSANDRA'S IMAGE MAY BE ENSHRINED FOR ETERNITY.
Lawrence, Colton, and Lisa reading that is basically the end of the story.
Thanks again for the advice. It was really helpful. I'll gladly take any other opinions and responses.

 

If you think about it, most western men these days fit into one of your three "slave classes". ;-)








When it comes to talking about how the women re-wrote history, it would be good to make reference to past dictatorships (i.e. Hitler’s Nazi Germany, the Soviet Union, etc...), and to past practices of slavery (such as in the United States).



It would also be good to make reference to other literature such as George Orwell’s 1984 (Alduous Huxley’s "a brave new world" also springs to mind). You can do so through your protagonist or through narration (but not through the women from the future themselves, as you have decided to make them ignorant of what could be termed “real” history).

This story also strikes me as a way to explore history as an interpretation of facts as opposed to a factual account. For example, when talking about the future women’s version of history, you could have them describe the feminist movements from the 1960s as the first step in a literal and inevitable "revolution" orchestrated by the women.



You might also want to check out other stories in which one gender “rules”, such as in the Red Dwarf episode Rimmerworld.

 

I thnk It would be an Interesting story , and I dont thin you should worry so much about offending ....the best writers went out on a limb and wrote exactly what was in thir minds , and managed to shock society...but , thats the test of a good writer..xan you stir a reaction...are your words powerful eneough to atually strike a nerve in the reader....good luck with your writing baby....and if you want another slant on your story....check out a book called The Handmaids Tale

 

Also gonna toss out Left Hand of Darkness - Ursula Le Guin. It deals with a society that is essentially genderless. (I love socital 'what ifs' ) It's also a classic sci-fi staple.

What you're going to find that's different about these societies thats different than yours is that you don't appear to be finding 'faults' in your Matriarchy. You want to prove that the Matriarchy is better. (This is just how it comes off from your blurb). Now, often how societies are used ( like in stories we've all recommended) is that you find the faults within the society presented and then apply them to trends/paradigms on the present or near future.

I suppose what I'm getting at is : How are you presenting flaws of this society? From my point of view I can see possibilities but from your blurb you sound like it's being presented as a utopia.

 

There are one or two faults in this society. But they are mainly compared and contrasted with the many MORE faults of a male dominated society. So in a sense, yes, the feminist ruled society would seem to be presented as being better than the patriarchal society. Do you guys think I should try to add more faults?
As for the rewriting of history, let me explain. Basically the women take credit for all of the good things that men have done. But they let men take the fall for all the bad things that men did. For example, they rewrite American history so that George Washington's wife Martha Washington was the general and founder of our country, while George is potrayed as a kind of stay-at-home father who did nothing of signifigant importance, but they don't change anything about the history of Adolf Hitler or the Nazis. The only time men are shown as having power, is whenever they mess it up. So that it looks like men can only do bad things. They use this to show their women that this is why men cannot rule. Because the only time they do, it just leads to violence. Someone tell me if the way I explained that makes sense?
I appreciate the responses and anymore that I can get?
I'm gonna go check out those stories you told me about.

 

this post reminded me of something we talked about in an English class a while ago... there's always the utopian/dystopian mixup. That is to say, someone's utopia is invariably someone else's dystopia - their hell, the worst they can imagine. Most novels dealing with utopia's are a lot more interesting when there's at least a glimmer of the persons perspective who feels like it's a dystopia, or their journey of finding to be a less than utopian/perfect world.

 

It makes sense. And I don't think you should consciously add more faults but when ever you come across something, say a flaw you didn't expect simply by working out a character's dialog or a situation that pops up, think about it and what it means to the over all society and what you're trying to say.

I've been thinking about why you might have the need to workshop the story with women since you first posted and I think I may have found where it would be the most useful - dialog and personal action. It's going to be in the little details and not the big scope that women's input specifically will help you. Unfortunately that kind of work-shopping would require that your piece be read.

 

I think you can use ihmurria's observation really well in pointing out societal faults without being too obvious about it. That way, even as you present this new world as a sort of utopia, you'll also be showing the mirror of it through the eyes of your time-traveler observers.

And I think it sounds like a very interesting idea - I'd be interested in reading it! I agree that you shouldn't be so worried about offending. If you're really interested in writing, it's best to go out on your limb, do your research and say your part. You reminded me, too, of a book that might give you another new perspective. "Plains of Passage" - the fourth book in Jean Auel's Earth's Children series. The encounter with the female-dominated society comes with some valid social commentary, and I found it especially interesting because it took place in a prehistoric society, when the women didn't have a real understanding of the purpose men served in life, and in propagating the species.

Keep up the writing!

 

i dunno. women are terribly violent and cruel, too. but it would be an interesting story.

 

Think what you have heard & read in historty class. Not much about women aside from suferigests, a handful of queens & I suppose references here & there about native women weaving & tanning the hides of the buffalo that the males had killed.

It has been a while since I was in school but I didn't find out about Rosie the Riviter or Susan B. Anthony until long after I graduated.

What I'm getting @ is rewriting history is already being done or perhaps feminine history is just ignored. Your society may well do the same.

I think that your story has some good posibilities. If it were me I would have a different take on it but this is your story not mine. Go for it. I wouldn't be offended by what you're writing unless it started to look like the feminist dominated society was this way because of female instability or that women were naturally man hating, something like that.

 

I wouldn't be offended by what you're writing unless it started to look like the feminist dominated society was this way because of female instability or that women were naturally man hating, something like that.

What exactly do you mean by that?

 

Personally, I'd find the story interesting. As others have said, authors should not worry so much about what is offensive to readers and what is not. Too much thought put into that will keep a lot of excellent stories from being created. I understand where you're coming from with asking for opinions, though, and not wanting to offend others--I am often concerned about offending others myself. People are always so jumpy and quick to attack a person, especially about a subject so touchy as male and female differences. I say go for it. Let your imagination take control and keep the worries and doubts away. I am sure that it will be a fascinating and well-written story.

 

I'm having a problem rewording what I'm thinking. I was thinking of how it could be written to I don' tknow somehow blame PMS or other stereotypical cliche`s that are associated with being female.

 

Sorry its taking so long for me to reply. I am going to post a sample later on to show you the general feelings women have towards men in this story.

 

I would definitely be interested in reading your story, and I also agree you shouldnt worry about what people are going to think. I know everyone has said it already, but its the truth. The best writing is going to stir up some sort of contoversy, or it would be boring.

and I think I understand what snowdancer is trying to say... although I'm not really good at putting exactly what i'm thinking into words either...

I think she just means that a story like this could easily be turned around to make it look like these women are over the top - hormonal nazi like feminists. bc not all women are crazy extreme man haters. idk. I think your story sounds great though.. and the suggestions everyone has given are great... do we get to read it when it's done??

 

Not all of the story. I'm afraid someone might steal it and I'm hoping to publish it one day. I would then extend it into a novel. Right now it is just a short story, but I will let you read parts of it. I'll post one part of it this weekend hopefully.

 

I just edited my last post, when I said I was afraid someone might read it I meant that someone might steal it. But after thinking about it I've decided that it I posted it one here I could always use that as evidence if someone tried to steal my idea. I was thinking of posting the story in sections of here for you guys to read. I'm quite a ways through it. Do you guys want me to?

 

I would love to read it but if youre not comfortable posting it thats cool. very understandable.