before i start...i used to post here alot. these forums have changed. i know how great of a community this is so i figured someone here would listen to me. i'm not looking for advice or any responses...just someone who listens to my cries and allows me to get this out in the open. i've always been a little crazy but the past few months made me extremely jaded. i've returned to old behaviors such as cutting and other forms of physical pain. i'm staying away from substances this time though. i'm in a relationship thats not bad, but more than likely unhealthy for me. i have no friends. i mean i know alot of people, but i slowly wrote them out of my life. whats really setting me off is that i'm pregnant...really pregnant, like going to pop in 3 to 6 weeks, from what i read online. no one knows but my boy. i've tried to get rid of it and i haven't seen any doctors. i just wanna crawl in a hole and die there. my parents had asked me if i was but i told them no back in dec. i just wear really big clothes now. it's getting to the point where i have to do sumthing. the only thing i can think about is ending it all. i've told the boy how i feel and he tells me to stop freaking out. he's no help and this is why he's unhealthy for me. i've been known to freak out alot in my past. i used togo to couseling and i'd have this baby if i didn't do things that are going to make it deformed and retarted. i want babies sum day, but i don't deserve them now. i had an abortion once before, when i was 16, but didn't have the money to do it this time. i'm tired of being alone. i'm tired of always crying and being angry. i'm tired of the bleeding cuts. i want it all to go away. i'm just scared that i'll try and last minnute someone will save me. theres nothing worse than the feeling you get from the eyes of the people around after you try something like that... i refuse to take meds. my psychologist back in the day said i had chronic fatigue syndrome and that working through problems rather than taking meds was my best option. i refuse to accept a false sense of happiness. i'd rather be crazy and dead than to not be real.... i know people on the forums don't like long posts. so i'll stop there. i just needed to get it out. thank you for listening. i know it'll all be over soon and there will be one...maybe 2...wasted lives off the earth.
Why do you think your baby is going to be mentally/physically disabled? I assume it must be from trying to induce an abortion, but that is not a guarentee that will be problems with that baby. How has the pregnancy been otherwise? How have you been eating, etc? One of the things in midwifery is that we are taught that the mother is the authority on the baby, we just observe so what are your feelings on the baby's health and how active (kicking, etc) has he or she been doing? You will get through this, there are options. I am here for you too, if you want to PM me.
You know honey, your baby might be just fine. There are perfectly healthy babies born to mothers whom you'd put your money on would have had unhealthy little ones. I read some of the other posts from other ladies here on your other thread, and I think maybe, if you really don't feel like you can handle this, you need to contact an adoption agency, see what's involved, get things set up so it will be less stressful on you. There's no shame in that. There's an innocent life in you sweetheart, and it's hanging on despite your attempts. Which, could this be a sign that this is meant to happen, you are meant to have this child, give birth? Believe me, even as someone who wanted children more than anything in the world, I had doubts during my pregnancies, thought to myself, what did I do? How can I handle this? What was I thinking? I think it's normal to feel those emotions. However, the cutting that you're doing, now that's not a normal reaction. I can't imagine what you're going through, it must be so difficult having hid this from everyone for so long. But I think you need to come clean, I think you need to tell your family. You need support right now, and hopefully they would be able to give you that.
Calm down, sit down and take a deep breath, its ok. You're ok. Sooner or later your parents are going to know, you have to be honest, tell a good friend and get them to hold your hand while you tell mom and dad. Abortion isn't the way it can make it very complicated to have another child and I think its wrong but thats me...you need to take medicine at least until you feel alittle more stable, if you go crazy or die then the baby has no one. Dont worry there are plenty of people who can help you and you have us, your online family, think of me as your sister ok? Now, get some medical help, tell mom and dad, find an herbalist to help you with your CFS and try to relax. Everything is ok in the end if it's not ok then its not the end. If you need me PM me and please DONT EVER FEEL ALONE, WE ARE WITH YOU AND SO IS GOD.
