he can't stop thinking about me with other guys...

my boyfriend and i are very much in love, and we used to have amazing sex all the time, but lately he's been completely turned off because he says he can't stop thinking about me with my ex-boyfriends. He hates the fact that ive been with other guys, and whenever we go to try something new sexually he cant stop thinking about if ive done it with anyone else. It really bothers him that ive been so intimate with other people. I don't know how to help him get over this. I mean ive felt the same way thinking about girls hes been with, but i never let it bother me that much. I just accept that the past is the past and move on. but hes having a hard time doing that all of a sudden. it's really upsetting to me because its like it makes sex less special between us. i miss it the way it used to be.

im really starting to regret that ive been with these other guys, but theres nothing i can do about it now. how can i help him get over it before it ruins our closeness?

 

he needs to let go a little, this is pretty immature, he is showing he is possessive .... you are 21 for crying out loud. Was he a virgin?

 

I can't relate, I love hearing about previous lovers and the things they have done

he sounds insecure

 

he is a big baby.

 

yeah, sounds like there are some serious insecurities going on.

Problem is, you can't change the past so really, he just has to find a way to deal with it. I don't know how to help with that, don't really have any advice to offer other than try and be patient but at the same time, recognize that it really is -his- problem to deal with. Yes you're part of the relationship and need to be supportive, but he's the one having issues and you've done nothing wrong (unless of course you've told him explicit details that were unsolicited)

 

My ex used to make me feel the same way. And still actually does because I have a feeling that's kinda why he ended it..
Anyway.. I can understand his point but also.. it's in the past, what's done is done and you can't change it. AND it's in the past for a reason. So why feel insecure and jealous about something that didn't work.. Why not just focus on what's now coz that's all that matters, right?
I don't really have any advice for you, sorry... But I do hope you two can get over it. Communication is the key.. Good luck.

 

he really needs to get over it otherwise its gonna really eat him up big time! try talking to him about it and see if that gets ya anywhere

 

yea i know hes insecure and he needs to get over it, but that doesnt make it any easier on either of us. I try talking to him about it but he hates it bc it makes him think about it even more and he is kind of embarassed that hes so insecure i guess? i keep trying though, i know eventually he will be ok with it. we've gone through so much together i doubt this would be the end of it. he wasnt a virgin when we met, so he's been with other girls too. i've just been with quite a few more guys. not like an outrageous amount, but he was only with one or two girls. that doesnt matter vey much though, it's not how many guys ive been with that seems to be ther problem, its that ive been with anyone else before him period. and its just lately, like all of a sudden it seems to be a big problem. Hes always been a bit insecure, but this is all new.

 

Ask him to tell you about the prior women he has been with, and what he did with them, if it does not bother you . Tell him that he is the best lover of the guys you have been with - that should make him feel good.

One question - are STDs a problerm for either of you?

 

i really do want to ask him what he's done with the girls hes been with, but i never want to bring it up. I guess i dont know how to ask without offending him. Hes never just come out and asked me any specifics like that either. I will tell him that he's the best ive ever been with, in many many ways. and it's the truth too. which is why i really wish i could make him see that whatever ive done before doesnt matter, i love him, he is amazing, and all i care about is him.

maybe if i ask him for details about what hes done in the past it will make him more comfortable asking me questions like that, and then he'll be able to get over it?? I really am willing to be completely open about it... i just dont want to make it worse by giving him too much information... but i really do wish he would just ask me things so he can get it out of his head.

and no, no std's why do you ask?

 

KMarie- Perhaps he is paranoid that some guy you were with in the past gave you an STD that you might pass on to him. Every couple these days SHOULD candidly discuss their past sexual history with each other, to put each of you at ease.

And many people, me included, have no problem having one's mate candidly discuss their past sexual experiences - what do they like and not like that their past partners did? You can learn how to be a better lover from this. Did he like oral sex with his prior partner, for instance? Then you would know whether or not to feature this in your foreplay.

The one qualification is that you have to assure your partner before you engage in this discussion that all the past lovers are just that - you will never get intimate with them again.

Communication in sexual matters is very important.

 

i see your point about the stds but that is not the problem here.

he is just very insecure. i guess thats all it comes down to.

we do talk very openly about sex with each other, we just never bring up details about past partners. we can easily tell each other exactly what we want. In a way i kind of prefer it this way. Id rather have him tell me "I really like it when you do this..." then say "oh I loved it when so-and-so did this so why dont you do it too.." that would make me not want to do it. you know? there is such thing as too much information IMO. i don't want to know how she did it. i want to hear how much he likes it when i do it.

anyway... i think the problem is a lot more of an emotional thing, he just hates the thought that i've been that close to someone else, like it somehow takes away from what we have. i guess it's not even as much about the physical sex, but more about the emotional attatchments. not that i'm still in any way attatched to them, but that i was once on that emotional level with them... idk if that makes sense...

 

You are emotionally attached to your parents and relatives, and other friends, as well. Does he want you to cut off all relationships with them, so you are only emotionally true to him? If so, he is controlling, and you should lose him.

 

no no not at all. im obviously not making myself clear, and i dont really know how else to explain it.

 

Hi dear,

I had a similar experience with my husband. I was no longer a virgin by the time we met, and I encountered several deceptions before, but the thing is I had sex with one person only and not with the whole lot, which he finds difficult to conceive. In his view, all because I wasn't a virgin by the time we met, God will never consider me as his wife, which really tortures me all the while. He seems not to understand that it wasn't my fault at all, as I loved, and hoped. My es-boyfriend promised me a happy marriage, while he was simply already married himself, unhappily though, but wedded. He made me suffer and my husband was aware of it, and each time we quarelled, he'd spit that to me.

I learnt he wasn't sincere at all. He dated others too while we met and slept wit several others too. I wonder what to do in such situations. I'm fed up, and I don't know whether to imagine a come-back. I cannot admit to live that again, be it love or not. Well, dear, that was just to say thatyou are not alone... and I am here with you..
Take care.....

 

Sounds like this open, un-resolved question is being laid on to you.


Consider reversing this, if its his phobia, Not yours
it needs to be put back on to him.

Request that he opens up and relates the specifics of his concerns.
As you said Kmarie it probly jus emotional not rational.

Ask him if it is worthwhile to continue the relationship in light of the issue
solicit him for specific measures or concernns he might have going forward.

Suggest a time-out in the relationship for him to meditate on His Issue.
consider denying hime the confort of your companionship untill he closes the issue.

Keeping this as an open issure allows him to bully you pshcologicly.
Call him out on it! its a feminine psychodrama!

 

Honestly, I kind of have the same problem with my g/f. I was a virgin before her, and she wasn't, so yes, it bothered me knowing what we were doing, she's done with someone else before. But I've eventually gotten over it. The thoughts still cross my mind, but I just throw them out..

 

Maevae - your husband is a born again asshole. How dare he pass judgment on you and say you will never really be his wife since you had fully understandable sex before him, and he lied to you about his own prior experience!

 

I'm in a similar situation as he is. My girlfriend was a person in college that I don't want to think about. Nothing to do with insecurity, because she didn't love a single one of those guys, but there are things I want to forget because they cause me pain. Only I don't know how. I've talked with her about it, and I'm not sure yet if that helps me.

 

so how would i help him get over it? he hasnt mentioned it since but i know it still bothers him...