My husband has been refusing to have sex with me for several years,using the excuse that no birth control is perfect. He only wants to engage in non-reciprical acts that essentially leave me feeling demeaned. Without any mutual say in when, or what, I felt undesirable and reduced to a set of parts detatched from my true being. In the spiritual awakening process that leaving him has become for me I now believe this has been about control and about taking power away from me as a human being. Why do we as women allow men to take so much of ourselves away in order to stay in "a relationship"? Is it because of so much societal conditioning that a woman who doesn't have a man is somehow a loser? Even when a woman is powerful financially, like celebrities, the media loves it when a man leaves them. We are programmed to find prince charming and to have being on our own as our biggest fear. No more, not for this sister. I am an individual and I am powerful and worthy all on my own. I am good enough just the way I am.
Its not just women. I know plenty of men in simular situations. It is a matter of control, most people like to feel dominate in at least one aspect of their lives. Usually when nothing else works out they get this satisfaction from dominating their loved ones. Some people are strong enough not to be in these situations, some learn later in life, some never learn and some even like it.
word, and it's not even the fun kind of domination games. I've had a lot of my bf's turn me down for sex at some point in our relationships. Kinda makes me wonder if I'm a nympho (this was after we started having intercourse, not me pushing them to share their body before they were ready), but... it's incredibly frustrating, especially since society's stereotyping says that all men are hornier than women. I mean, I know it's not a truism logically, but it still sucks when your bf says "not tonight honey" and you've dressed up all sexy for him and been flirting/teasing all night long.
I think those situations arise from lack of communication. My ex-girlfriend and I ran into that problem. After 2 years I simply felt less and less sexually aroused by her. It was only after breaking up that I realized my lack of sexual desire towards her was the result of poor communication and repressed feelings which I felt were going to be hurtful.
two months in? or, a month and a half in? or, three weeks in? These weren't exactly long term relationship. I mean, coulda been lack of communication in a couple of 'em, but... anyways. This thread isn't supposed to be about me.
my husband didn't want sex from me iether... he just didn't want.. its good to feel sexy and loved and beautiful and i just didn't get that...grrr!
We were together for 3 years. The longest we went without was 2 months I think. My prompting unfortunately, but it had nothing to do with power trips.
not everyone has control issues. most people are perfectly happy not dominating nor being dominated. most people really are emotionally healthy and have healthy relationships that don't involve abuse of one sort or another.
You read that very differently than I did. In my experience, most people DO like to feel like they are in control of at least one aspect of their lives -- they just find emotionally healthy ways of dealing with it. For some people that means keeping their house neat and tidy (not just clean but with all clutter controlled). For some people that means being careful about keeping their checkbook up to date and sticking to a reasonable budget (if you're living close to the poverty line, your life feels pretty out of your control when you're bouncing checks and barely keeping the utilities turned on). Feeling in control over at least one aspect of your life does not equal dominating another person, though some people are too much of a schmuck to do anything better.
To be fair, it doesn't sound like those guys are anything like the one the OP is complaining about. It's one thing to be stressed out from work or exhausted after a long day or just not want to explain to someone you've been dating for two weeks that you've got really bad gas and sex would just be uncomfortable! To the OP, it sounds like your (ex, I hope) husband has more than just domination issues. He wasn't just controlling when you could be together, but ensuring that you would get absolutely no pleasure (unless giving a bj gets you off somehow?). That's beyond controling to actively debasing you as a woman. Was he abused as a child or something? Yes, women can be very conniving, withholding sex to get what they want. I've never heard of a situation, though, where the woman went beyond manipulating to actively debasing her partner by consistently making him get her off without him getting off... Even if she is a total tease, she may "give him blue balls", but she's usually not getting off either... You say you have realized that you are better than this, so I'm not sure what I can suggest other than to be strong and not forget that you deserve a partner, not a user. Good luck.
*sigh* I'm trying really hard not to turn this thread into one about my issues with the no-sex thing, but no, it's typically explained as either "all my relationships end up this way" (with the sex suddenly going flat and dying out, and yes I tried different approaches new things etc) and "I want to get to know you better" (followed by an hour long rant on how fabulous his ps3 hard drive is without a single query as to how my day or christmas was)
Exactly. The ones that people describe as lazy, unmotivated but controlling usuallly fit in this category.
