ok so Ive been married for a while, I got married when I was too young to comprehend what was involved, I was engaged for 2 years, then I decided that this was not the condition I wanted to live, the arguments, the differences...I love my wife I did then I do now, she got pregnant and I pushed the wedding date closer....I didnt want a bastard child,...sounds stupid, but I didnt want to be the first in my family to have one. Ive always did my own thing, I very much believe in freedom, in change in action when I dont belive something is right. im social but have my boundaries, my wife is social but with the same people for ever, her immediate family, her best friend and her cusins, and once in a while she picks some of my friends and gets close to them..........id say hijack, but that makes me sound funny...but its pretty damn close to it. so everytime I fuck up...and I have, I had a drinking habit for quite sometime and I know I did not show her the attention she deserved as my wife, Im not good with kids, er well babies I am very good with anyone who understands me and that I can understand....crying enfants scare the hell out of me. I have tourretts, im always afraid Ill twith while holding them... so I was pegged by her small circle as a drunk...ok I guess I deserved that, a bad father....I dont think i deserved that, I provide for my family and my kids love me, and I am taking a greater role with them all the time as they get older, 20 months and 4 yrs a bad husband, Im not perfect and Ihave had my own misleadings, what I didnt get at home I found elsewhere...... thats horrible I know, I needed the attention, I really wasnt getting it at home, when I tried I was pushed away, it was always when SHE felt like it never me..... she didnt do the house wife thing, never cooked for me unless she was cooking for herself, Out of the food budget I paid for since I was and am the only one who works, I get less then 20 percent for what I eat.... she would make belittiling jokes about me to my friends, to my family....I dont think her friends or family ever heard of any good I have ever done just the bad. shes left me about 7 times, usually kicking me out of my own aptment... I bought her a van, then she refused to let me drive it when she got mad at me....regularly she left me two times ago and went on welfare, she went to a shelter and said I was abusive, not physically, but theres a check list, did I take care of the money..yes..so Im abusive did I call her names, yes when we were having a fight, she would call me them too did I cheat on her...yes I didnt get it at home and she cheated on me with other girls all the time. we even had a mutal girlfriend she had decided that she didnt want to have sex with me so I should find a girl for just that.... I guess I went overboard because I had permission to be with other girls...then she said I didnt anymore....it was hard to get out of that mind set she is a great mother, and she is a really good person, everyone likes her, she smiles a lot, thats what I fell in love with her for her smile... but when it comes down to it, its always HER WAY or no way.... im not a bitch, im not a guy who lays down and gets bossed around, I do what I want, I AM WHO I AM...or at least I was last summer she left with me on my bus tour...I travel as much as possible I had a dream of making a nomadic community and creating small communities of socialist living without leadership....trying to change the world, she came with me, then left, then came back...when it comes down to an argument on the bus, she turned me into the bad guy all the time, when there was some angry people because they didnt follow the rulles they got on line and bitched about me...she joined in and bitched about me... she refuses to ever take my side in ANYTHING... but then when she came back the last time, things were good, she let me be me, she gave me the attention I needed, I fell back in love with her... she told me I needed to stop drinking after a crazy night in texas, I did, from everynight, to once a week to not at all, then I drank, again, about 4 times, not in a row just as a social thing...we meet kids go to a party drink....that sort of thing, we ran into an old friend in key west, and we drank with him, I got really drunk, when I wanted to go to sleep, my son was in my spot, I curled up next to him with my arm over him, I know it was not a ood idea to drink and sleep next to my child could have rolled over on him or something, he is almost 2 my wife woke up and started kicking me punching me, I took one in the jaw, and swated back.... I have NEVER been violent with my wife before....I imediatly realised what I had done, and tried to calm her down, and appologise while she still hit me, next thing I know Im in the back of a cop car. the officer was going to arrest her as well since she said she had hit me, I told the cop she was a pot head and didnt know what she was saying that she never hit me I went to jail, got rufffed up by the cops and then bailed out 2 days later by my dad, I had no shoes no money I didnt know where anyone was... my bus was gone, EVERYTHING was gone... I stumbled down the highway towards miami muttering ti myself, exausted...bieng tazered and maced and not eat8ing or sleeping for a fdew days took a toll out of me...on top of that I was feeling guilty as hell about what had happened...Im a guy I should have takin it... I had told her for weeks she needed to stop hitting me when she got angry ...... still I should not have been drunk not been in that state where I reacted without thinking my bus approached me coming from miami, tye was driving, my bus had been ransaked, my kids my wife had flown back to canada... I was alone I slowly made my way back to canada, I knew i NEEDED to get some help for my drinking, I needed to get a job and provide for my kids .....I spent the holidays alone, crying a lot im not one to getr emotional very often.....this was hard on me I hit the bottom of the barrel I had opportunities to make another movie about our tribe I was building, I was offered to help out with the restoration of the original "further" bus I left it left my dreams and came home to a society I hate..... I arrived back on new years day started working at a job on the 7th of jan, my wife and I talked, she was dropping the charges I started going to aa Ive been stome sober since the 13th of dec Ive spent every free moment with my kids, ive made appointments for anger managment.. I still have court in florida....dont know the date yet... but I have done these things on my own accord no one told me to do them my wife says she wants a year to be by herself, she doesnt want to hang out with me, she wants me to pay her to live, so she doenst have to go on welfare which leaves me with absolutely no extra money, I will have just enough for rent fuel to get to work and 250 dollars a month to eat everything else goes to my wife..... I just gotoff the phone, and now shes mad cause Im doing all this... shes mad because I said I will do anything she asks, and Im doing it..... now shes threatening to go on welfare because the apt Im looking at has 2 bedrooms...one for the kids to share and shes looking at only a one bedroom, I asked what else she would like me to do? I mean starve? she wants me to trake the kids on my time off, and I want to as well, so shouldnt I give them a room to sleep in? her father threatened to kill me.....hes mad, I can understand that, he doesnt know the circomstances, and even if he did...if I was him Id be mad too her family thinks I shouldnt see my kids, childrens aid has already been involved and had said I pose no threat... shes playing the victim card again, the last time she was on welfare, she was getting money from me, and that progressed to me living with her, paying the rent and she was still getting welfare we ahve dual custody, I HATE BABYLON I dont believe in it, and I did a good job exisiting around it....she has respected that fact and kept the custody issue between me and her... I think she is the better parent, I am getting better, but shes a mom type...I have to really work on it my kids and I have a great relationship, when there with me they dont back talk or whine, or fight... shes more tolerant, since they have been away from me for this long they have regressed ...not around me as much, but around there mom....and her family Im doing everything I can, I take responsibilty for what I have done, and I am taking the steps I need to do to change..... I cut my hair, im selling my bus, got a job, doing counselling and AA taking the kids everychance Ive got, I havnt connected with any of my friends since Ive been home...... will I always be the bad guy? how the hell did I let someone else control my life? control my every action..... I want her in my life, I love her so much, am I taking all the blame on me for everything while she plays it up? I think she thinks shes perfect in this......I dont know I believe in marriage....that may sound hipocrytical since I cheated on her....even if it was her idea she smokes herb around the kids, she refuses to stop smoking....I dont mind that she smokes pot, I dont but I dont want my kids seeing it, I believe that she and I are set together, that we should always work things out, grow closer, build our family... am I too late in thinking that? now that I want to ...and its not just after this happened, I was doing it before.... I dont know what to do...... Im supposed to give up everything, have no life, no relationships for a year...not even with her ......... ??? Imean I love her, am I bieng blindsided by it? am I taking this guilt too far? what would you do?
Don't let her control you. It sounds like an incredibly UNHEALTHY situation. You can see your kids...and you can pay child support and I can guarantee that it will be less than what she wants from you right now. Get a divorce...because there's just too much baggage there. I'm sorry for your situation and I'm glad that you aren't destroying yourself like it sounds like you used to. Good luck...and PM me if you need some eyes to read or a ear to listen....
I'm in sort of the same boat as you, although I'm a woman. Some of what you say sounds like things my own husband has said, some of it makes it easy to understand your wife's point of view. I sympathise with ya both. It sucks to hurt, it sucks to be used and it sucks to feel helpless. I know how you feel. I can't offer anything more than to say I've been learning to see what is my own fault and try to change the negatives in my head and in my life. Growth hurts, and it's not easy, but just stayin stuck and not growing ends up hurting more in a sense of loss and emptiness. Hang in there man, love is all around and it's in your heart and you will get by.
BlinKin, I have a ruff situation right now also. Some times you just got to let that person you love so much go completely (I should practice what I am preaching ). You wife has a terrible control and munipulation issue. If you can make your self divorce her ( I am having trouble making myself divorce my hubby) do so if you are ment be and things change you can always remarry eack other later. I understand where you are come from though. Evrything is always my fault never his. Here in the us if you divorce the state decides on support for the children and it is never as much as the other person wants and they tend to hold the kid over your head my cousin is going through hell overthis right now. But I don't know about Canada but her the spouse can request spousal support to keep they way of life they have grown accustom to. Some courts grant it not all. I know this doesn't help but you are not alone there are several of uas there with you that are stuck because they love the person to much. Good vibes coming your way in hopes to raise your spirits a little.
Blinkin - you need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, and have your wife go to the companion group, Al-Anon.
From your point of view, and which I'm aware there are always 2, it does sound like your wife is controlling you and ultimately maniuplating to get what she wants. I've seen really rocky marriages being salvaged before, but it took a lot of work and a lot of selfless acts. It's great that you are taking steps to improve and overcome some obstacles you need to overcome, yet there is still something I believe you ought to do---hold your wife responsible for her actions. She may be good with your children but her behavior isn't tolerable and can ultimately be a bad influence on your kids. Also, she is demanding a lot from you---I thought relationships were two sided? If you cannot find a common ground and if you continue to give into her demands and let her belittle you, how do think things could possibly improve? I believe you have a tough situation that will only work if BOTH of you put effort into it. Good luck with whatever happens.
Exactly. So did your wife. You sound like you both need to grow up a LOT. That includes your wife growing up enough to realize that the world does not owe her. If she doesn't want to be a PARTNER in a relationship (not a sponge), then she needs to get a job and support herself. You sound like a doormat. Seriously. Are you a masochist? Because who else would continue to return to a "partner" like what you described? I certainly would lose all respect for a "man" who let me treat him the way you claim she has treated you. You deserve better than what you described. Nobody deserves to be treated with the disrespect that it sounds like she has treated you with. Yes, you need counselling for your alcohol issues. At the same time, she needs counselling for her violence issues and her need to control people. You both need to seek counselling on how to adequately communicate and build the foundation for a healthy relationship. Most importantly, you need to do your best to keep your children from thinking that the relationship you and their mother have is anywhere near normal. If you decide to stay with this woman, she MUST go to couple's counselling with you, so that you two can figure out how to avoid fucking up your children any more than is normal.
well we both have agreed to take couples theropy, I mean, weve BOTH put eachother threw shit loads, I mean I was never a perfect husband, I was pretty sure I put that in the priginal; post, I dont believe I am a doormat, though I do think things have gotten out of hand, on both our parts. the consesus as it sounds is yes its a fucked up situation, though Ithink were patching trust bridges..... Ive put this in my head as the last time, weve tried many many times, Im doing the best I can now, and hoping the same is returned.... I dont want to give up on this.... like I said I am no peach, and there is always two sides, Im explaining things from my point of view... thanks for all your insight I DO appreciate it. drew
I think you will find AA and couples therapy a winning combination to save your marriage if you stick with both of them. You will feel much better, both physically and about yourself.
hey baby, saw that your reading this!!! I think I told you i posted, kids are good there asleep.... have fun!!!!
Yo blinkin's wife: He's a good man. Certainly no worse a partner than you. We all have issues. If he sticks to the AA meetings and no drinking then you owe him as much. Perhaps you could smoke away from the kids as a compromise? Sounds reasonable to me anyway. A fair trade for his not drinking I would say. Did you read the original post? That is only his perspective I know. But still that is how he feels. That is how he see's it. And yet he still wants to work things out. Most people would be suing for divorce and using your smoking habit against you in regards to your kids. Instead, he posts a heartfelt post for all to see. You fell in love with this man for a good reason, I can tell. And you know what? He fell in love with you for a good reason also. Yall have been through a lot. It's time for yall to move on to your next step in life. And trust me w/ the right amount of dedication (aa / counseling), it only gets easier from here. Blinkin: IF she hits you again, call the cops. That would indicate that she apparently needs a night or two in jail, and a lengthy piss-tested probation period to realize that people should not express their anger w/ violence.
ok I have to repond to this, I am the emotional abusive one? I have done whatever she asked, sure its been late in the gane, but it has been done!!!! maybe she can realise what she has? or maybe she can realise what she has to do without me? I dont know......but it seems lately , that Im a shmuck, in her own words a wusee who doesnt hold unto what I say..... I cant threaten to take the kids, I wont!!!! like I said shes the better parent, I do worry about hert decisions as of late.... I cant leave her I love her.....she's my wife! although whatever I have done, she has done, she is my wife I have to make sure she is ok
hi blinky long time no see she's got no right to slap you round no matter what you've said or havent said, that's unacceptible!! smokin herb round yer kids, that's just selfish i wouldn't want my children seeing people skinnin up not at all, all you've tryed to do is be acomidating to her and she's taken it and thrown it right back in your face.. you poor poor guy i really feel for you! have you ever considered getting her to cut down on her weed consumption? too much of it can make ya violent and flip out more. i'l pray for ya both just ignore that fuckwit's post just above your last one, they are just being a stupid fucker and not reading things properly {{{big big hugs for you}}} l
maby i'm little late, but i was provoqued by you posts blinkin and i have to say: GROW UP! everyday i get to meet new man, and more and more i meet i realise that 90% of man are immature, don't know what they want, always complaining about someone takeing away their freedom, and always, always chaseing off the persons thay love, and when thay finaly realise that they've hurt and lost everyone that they love it's already too late or too fucked up ok, she took control of the situation, but is't abvious that you couldn't hanlde it. you was too bizzy with yourself and your "freedom" and you forgot all about your family and risponsibilytis.
I would say that you are on the right path, and remember time heals. Your family is important of course, and you need to be there for your children, but I would say from reading what you have written here, your wife was dragging you down. While I was not married, I was in a similar situation with someone for about 2.5 years, she was a great girl some of the time but she also would drink a lot and become extremely nasty, belitting, and abusive and generally psychotic towards me when she was drunk, which was way too often. I tried for a long time to help her but in the end, I had to get out because she was dragging me down, and my behavior towards her was deteriorating and I eventually started getting very angry with her, it never came down the the point of being physical but we were always having knock down drag out fights over nothing. Now several months later I am feeling much better, more confident, and my life has gotten back on track. For the longest time I was convinced that I was the problem, because everything I did according to her was wrong. However, in hindsight, anything I did wrong was because I let her tell me what I was, and now, I am back to being me again. So the bottom line is, you need to concentrate on you, and realize that no one is worth throwing your life away over. Its going to be tough on the kids of course, but if you come out in the end being the better person, and being the best role model for them its going to be better for the whole family. You deserve better.
