calling all polyamorists -- I would appreciate some poly advice

Okay so posting this is really hard for me, (indeed what I'm fixin to say is rather personal) but here i go --

Awhile ago I had a boyfriend and I then became interested in pursuing polyamory, since he was a serial-monogamy type of guy nothing happened with that...We've since broken up (thank the gods) and now I'm fixin to move to a whole another state in a whole new city...I don't wanna make the same mistakes twice, or waste anymore of my time, so I think I should try to date people that are poly-friendly.. I don't really want, go to movies with Sara on Tuesday and the park with Jon on Thursday kinda thing -- I'd want to be one unit, the three of us, me preferably being "the hinge"

For any of ya'll who are polyamorists, how should I go about this -- I mean what, poly meetings and gatherings, or should I just date nonexclusively until I find two people that would be open to it?

I respect all of ya'll monogamists out there, but to speak frankly, I'm not posting to hear how its unnatural or wrong or something you do not condone -- I'm not trying to be a bitch but I'm just looking for advice -Thanks

 

thats very interesting , cause although i have enjoyed living with a special someone . i dont like the whole limiting jealousy possesion thing.....id rather live honestly alone , than half to pretend i cant feel things for anybody im feeling them for ....to shut all dors just cause i got something going on ......anyway good luck finding your poly gammy topia place .

 

http://www.polyamory.org/ has some good info
(I don't really consider myself to be poly, but I've been in a poly relationship before where the guy I was dating was the hinge)

I don't know the best way to go about it. But I know that pressuring someone about it is awful. I've dated 2 guys who were poly.

The first, the situation scared the crap out of me. We'd started dating and then he talked about how he was polyamorous. I said I wasn't sure I could deal with that, let's try monogamy for a while and see how things turn out. He said he was ok with that and would wait at least -3- months before ever thinking about introducing a third. He also wanted all 3 (well, eventually 5, in his head was the ideal) to be simultaneously dating one another.
Well, 1 month in, he starts telling me about this chick he's talking to on the net who's moving to Canada, she doesn't know where yet, but "she has a maid fetish so I was thinking we should invite her up here to live with me" (ok not word for word what he said, but the gist of it)
So, I felt really pressured with the whole thing. I wasn't given time to be ok with it, time to think about if I could do it. We never did anything poly-ish and we broke up a while after that, but yeah.

The second bf, well, he already had another gf. They'd been dating for ages. This was their first foray into poly. I wasn't expected to do anything with his gf aside from get along with her. He was really awesome too, so I was willing to try it for him. But I knew that we wouldn't end up being a really serious, long-term couple because of the poly. I'm not morally opposed to it, but it's not what I want with my life in the end (at least, not what I think I want now)

so
um, that's my story. Good luck hon. Only you can really decide what the best approach is for you in this.

 

I'm the pivot in my relationship, the other two loves being male. They do not date each other, and they both identify as monogamous. Bear is poly-okay and Phoenix is poly-friendly. Honestly, if I would've had it to do over again, I would've looked at poly gatherings first. That way, there's no "well, how about someone else?" and then having to explain the whole mess.

ALSO: Get together and set clear boundaries; everyone needs to know exactly what they can expect and what is expected of them, otherwise things will get confusing and hearts and feelings will get hurt. Make sure they have a decent self-image and self-esteem. Otherwise, you will be CONSTANTLY reassuring them because they will get insecure at the drop of a hat.

 

thanks for the advice y'all, especially you, Rue Takedo!!!

 

I'm a poly but the others with me as the hinge where the others know about each other & in fact we all have been together but they have issues that wouldn't bring them together for them to work sexually. There was a time where one of my guys came over when the other was there & since I knew the one that was already there likes to watch we proceeded in that fashion, my original visitor didn't take off his clothes or really get involved. I am into thinking of attempting to duplicate that experience but it was fun for everyone involved. If it comes up again & they want to OK.
I'm actually hoping to expand some more but I'm waiting until the right born female person comes along. I have all the guys I can deal with but since I identify as poly lesbian bi I'm really lacking in that.

As for how to make it happen. What I do when I meet someone is to tell them that I'm bi & go on to explain that I'm poly if they don't reject me on that matter. If things get closer (well aside from one night stands) I make certain that I can't be faithful to any one person & be true to myself.
You didn't say where you were moving to but another good idea is to see if there are any poly support groups or meetings of some kind. We have one here & although I haven't gone to a meeting I consider it a source of working out the details & am planning on going to a meeting soon. I have gotten involved in a bi support group 7 a trans group & they both have helped me work out quite a bit.

 

thank you for the insight Snowdancer! -- As for my new location, I'm moving to Vancouver, WA from a small hick town in northeast Ohio...