Making the effort to talk to girls

Yes I am female. I have been all my life and enjoy it very much. I just see you posting things all the time about how you want to do something. You nice people are soft. You have all these misperceptions about people and life and that has made you who you are. You are almost 18 you have years a head of you to find out who you are, you don't have to be friendless and sad your whole life.

 

I wouldn't have expected a bit of humour there, and please don't think I was making fun of you there.

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Does that include me and do you think i'm soft?

Well the way i'm heading up is the route i'm heading up right now. I've thought about things such as going out to the pub or a nightclub, seems as i'm nearly 18.

Also, i've been worried about things that may happen in the future, such as getting married, having kids and being a Dad - I'd hate to be Dad, and I don't want kids causing me a lot of grief.

I JUST CAN'T COPE WITH IT, and i'd rather have a girlfriend, get married EVENTUALLY and NOT have kids and just enjoy the two of us and having a great time together - The problem though is that the girl will tell me how much she wants kids, and if I didn't agree, she'd probably leave me or screw some other guy behind my back and eventually become pregnant because of it.

Being a Dad will freak me out, as I don't want to be one or be like my Dad and having to cope with the responsibility. I'm no good at DIY or decorating, I can't drive and I may not be good enough for a girl - I wouldn't make a good parent, and I haven't got patience or the right temperament, and i'd hate to shout and tell a kid off or smack them or whatever and having to put up with screaming, crying and changing nappies - I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!!!

I'd be a letdown in bed, I can't kiss or snog properly and I can't pleasure a good girl enough for her liking.

Seems as i'm getting older now, all this is worrying me and starting to hit me, and I don't want people telling that i'm too young to worry about this at my age - I'm nearly 18 for crying out loud and soon i'll be a young adult!!!



Growing up like I have done and the challenges i'll be facing in the future worry me.

 

Have you ever actually been in a fight, Chris?

 

I try to be light hearted. Most things are importnant eneough to get mad about. I didn't think you where making fun of me. It think it is cool that at 18 you know that you don't want to have kids. There are too many kids at 18 who want to have kids. To tell you the truth I do think you are nice. That doesn't mean I think you are soft. There is a difference. I am a nice person I love helping people. I love it so much I do it for a living.

You don't need to stress out about girls. I didn't have sex until I was 20. No need to hurry. It will happen and with the right person that cares about you and understands you. No need to rush things.

 

No, but I was involved in one when I was 12yrs old back in 2001, and some guy (a teenager a bit older than me with two big mates stood either side of him) and he accused me of calling him a knob (in other words a dick) and I didn't call him one, and denied it, so then all of a sudden, he punched me below my left eye and it was sore and there was a bruise there afterwards - It hurt and I walked off and cried and it felt all funny when he hit me, almost as if I was dreaming it.

The next day at home, my grandad came around for a short visit by himself, and he was talking to my mum (my Dad was working that day) and my grandad was telling me how I should have got out my fist and hit him, but that was the last thing i'd wanted to do when I was in such pain.

I was lucky because had it been a more viscious punch or directly on my eye, it could have affected my sight - The lad got away with it and I wasn't bothered that he got off the hook, but as long as he didn't do it again.

That happened at some persons house back then, and it never happened again and I never went around there again.

 

I'll give you a hint then. Fighting is a lame thing to centre your life around.

 

Chris - I have been reading your posts, and it seems you are English, or live in Britain, am I right? For those of us who are Americans reading your posts, we may be responding as we might for an American 17 year old. Some issues of growing up are universal no matter where you live, but others might be unique to your culture, and where you grew up.

Do you think that is true for you?

 

Well it's not something i'd do for a living, and I don't want to get myself in trouble with the police or get involved in feuds and get attacked.

Fighting isn't clever, but sometimes you can't help it if someone rubs you up the wrong way or really provokes you.

 

Then why worry so much about being "hard"? You clearly aren't if you haven't been in any fights. You're just being fake.

I don't know man, you're life seems skewed. It sort of weirds me out.

 

You are looking way to far ahead.

Besides, I don't want kids. Not all women have the urge to be a parent. Surely, when the time is right you can find a girlfriend who does not want kids.

 

*shrugs*

It sounds to me like what you NEED is a good friend. That's all. Male or Female, doesn't matter. You need to make good friends, and share laughs with them.

Find yourself a good friend (looks aside of course) who offers to clear your garbage off the caf table when they get up to throw their own trash out. You know, go off and make friends and keep them.

 

Go find something peaceful to do, for yoursake and for the sake of all mankind.

 

Chris,

Ive been reading and following this post and others and I think this is the last time im going to post in one.

I really think you should go and get some help, you cant go through life like this. From what you are saying you are trying to be somebody you are not and put up a front so people can't see the real you, how do you expect to get a girlfriend to like you if all they see is a phoney person.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. People can change you know, it does happen.

Do you think you will find the perfect girlfriend that meets all your (pretty shallow) criteria? I know girls arent as picky as you and see they good inside people and not just the outside. Can you see what I mean here?

Also, everybody I know does not see people in terms of 'soft' and 'hard'. They just dont. They see people as friendly or rude, and the rude ones tend to be avoided by people looking for true friendships. You could perhaps take somebodys tray to the bin for them in the cafeteria, if they drop books pick them up for them, or if they say anything nasty just smile. These things aren't seen as soft but friendly, once somebody sees that you are friendly they are far more likely to talk to you.

I hope things get better for you soon, but I have the feeling you are caught in a catch 22 situation and they wont get better on their own. Do your parent know how you are feeling? Would you ever cosider reading this thread to them? Maybe you could write them a letter?

Hope you get better soon,
your friend, Ripple.

 

I highland steer named Alf....

Well, that is just super cute.

 

Very nicely articulated and very true.

 

I'm going to carry on like this even if it kills me.

As for changing, i'm not going to change (well at least not yet whilst i'm stuck at home with my parents and brother and need to break free and have my own life)

People at college talk about me as if i'm a gangster, with my black leather jacket and this year i've left it too late to resurrect things and these lot know what i'm like now and it's too late to change.

I see what you mean about the girlfriend, but if she isn't good enough for me, then I just don't go out with her - Simple as that.

Lets face it, i've never been liked, never will fit in with everyone else, never will be good-looking enough to get a decent, good-looking, pretty girlfriend, i'm not a good person and honestly, whether I was nice or not, i'd still get perceived as weird and i'd rather people be scared of me than think i'm some sort of pushover that can be messed around. People don't cross me and they know i'm not one to be messed with, thanks to me making my mark and making it very clear that you don't mess me around.

I'd rather die than change, honestly, and I CAN'T afford to soften up.

I went over to the Sports Centre today and read the leaflets about activities at the Sports centre, and none of them appealed to me, I mean things such as Bum-busting/bursting or some other nonsense, weights etc and I even asked a staff member behind the desk and those leafets were THE ONLY activities available.

People said today that i've got a gangster coat, and my black jacket is similar to the one that Phil Mitchell used to wear in EastEnders about 2-5 years ago.

When them three girls spoke to me in September, it's obvious that aren't interested in me because when I looked around at them before they spoke to me, they sort of looked at me as if I was strange or something, and when I spoke to them , the blonde girl was like "Yeah whatever, like I give a fuck what you've got to say and she was making conversation for the sake of making conversation" - It's obvious they don't like me, seems as they've not been around or spoken to me since September and they wouldn't NOT be around for nothing.

The only way I can get peoples attention is if I do something stupid, such as bring alcohol into college, get myself drunk, go psycho and kick off and fight with someone and burst out into tears - That'd work well.

I'm sick of being at college and everyone despises me, apart from the teachers I have in class.

 

You're really not that bad Chris. You just need to discover the things you will enjoy and that are waiting for you to discover them. That goes for good friends too.

If it's any comfort, I am the kind of person that would see you alone in the caf and purposefully sit with you and try to befriend you and introduce you to my friends. I go out of my way to make friends with visible minorities or whoever I want to befriend really whenever I'm on campus. You can talk to me online if you want. We can be e-friends.

:>

Message me.

 

if you don't want to change, then why are you here? Why are you asking for advice when you refuse to listen to one word of it?

 

So then you should be more nervous talking to guys if you're straight right? I want to give you a nice hard punch in the nose. Chris reminds me a lot of myself.

I grew up with a father who had a raging temper. He never hit me or anything (except the occasional spank), but he yelled at me constantly for stupid things like spilling my milk at dinner. My parents were also ridiculously overprotective. In school my behavior was a little off, like my understanding of conduct was underdeveloped for my age (I guess thats the official explanation). The school wanted to have me tested for ADD but my mom was reluctant, probably because she didn't want to put me on any unneccessary pills. So to make their point they started finding any excuse to punish me by making me sit at a desk facing the wall in the office during recess or sending me to talk to Mr. Hill, the notoriously insane principal who loved to yell and slam his fist on his desk. It got to the point where they would send me to the office for arbitrary things, often that weren't even my fault. Classmates made fun of me and generally ignored me. On the few occasions that I got to enjoy recess a few particularly nasty kids would throw rocks at me or chase me and try to hit me with with these long sticks that were supposed to be used to play some game. One time somebody pulled my leg out from under me while I was balancing on some of the playground equipment, causing me to catch my fall on the metal bar with my testicles.

By third grade I accepted my disconnection from everyone else believing that anything I said or did would be wrong or stupid or made fun of or punishable. I started reading a lot and also getting way too into videogames. I lived contentedly in nonexistant worlds in my head. I would often pretend I was in the books or the video games. I didn't talk to anyone except a couple close friends. I didn't see it as a problem at the time.

At about the same time I started noticing how pretty girls were, but I was terrified of talking to them because I knew anything I said would make me looks stupid. Again, this wasn't a big problem at the time - it was third grade.

I don't feel like typing all night so I'll get to the point. I was made to have such low self confidence in my developing years that I can't bring myself to socialize openly except with a few close friends. I have a lot of trouble trying to fit in with anyone but those few people, although its not nearly as bad trying to talk to other guys because I'm not as worried about what they think of me. When I'm put in a situation where I have to talk to a remotely attractive girl (or any girl really, just moreso if she's attractive) my heart rate speeds up, I sweat, and my mind quits supplying language. It like a subconscious reflex that was developed when I was in elementary school. Its thanks to that reflex that I've never been in a relationship and all I've ever done with a girl is kiss, and that girl was drunk and initiated and directed the whole thing, and I also had never met her before and never saw her again, and we only ever spoke a few words to eachother. I'm so incredibly lonely, but even the motivation supplied by desperate longing and loneliness hasn't been nearly enough to rise above this reflex.

I think I'm reaching a crisis in my life where I'm no longer content to live in my own world but neither am I able to step outside, much as I would like to. THAT understanding and feeling of hopelessness has been hitting me in waves lately and I'm a bit worried because I seriously think its hurting my sanity.

But yeah, its people like you that make it so much harder for people like me and chris to get past our problems.

Although I do agree 100% that chris is making things much, much worse for himself by being so angry and hateful.

 

I agree. Even if you are scared and reluctant to change Chris, give it a try anyway. If you plan never to change your ways, it isn't going to hurt you if you branch out for awhile and give it a try. See if you want to revert back to your old ways after that. But at least take the initiative to do something different with yourself. There is nothing wrong with bending a little, and most people go through a million life changing events in the short time between their late teens to their early, even late twenties. You never know, you may be a happier person for trying something new. Don't worry about it all, just dive in and surprise yourself.