Should He Be Jealous or am I Just a Slut?

I really want to become a bartender. I'm from NYC, The city that never sleeps so of course thats where all the money is. The only problem is my boyfriend. He says that being a bartender will "lead to other things" and it bothers him. He says that I can't go to any bars, clubs, lounges etc and whenever hes not with me he always wants me to describe what I'm wearing. There was this one time when I told him I was going to go out to a club with my friends anyway and he just got real silent and then was like "go ahead go, alright watch, just wait" whatever the fuck that means and then he gave me three reasons why females go out to clubs 1) is to look for a man 2) is to dance with men 3) is to drink and that I should not be doing any. I didn't go because I didn't want him to be mad at me. I asked him why he questions me and he said its because he loves me and doesn't want me to hurt him. Its getting to a point where I'm starting to blame myself for his actions. I was very physically attracted to him when we first met and had sex with him very quickly after. So does he think I'm easy and that I'm going to fuck the first thing I see if I become a bartender or is he just insecure and jealous. I can live without him but it makes me sick just to think so. I love him and I want him to live his life but when I want to live he like acts as if he wants to break up with me or picks fights.


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Actually it sounds like he is insecure & possibly controlling too.

 

it sounds to me like he's insecure, but that can be solved. i mean just explain to him what your motives are when u want to go to a club with friends, or about the job thing.
if u dont answer anything when he says women only go to club to hit on guys or get drunk, then of course hes gonna assume he's right, cuz he's normally jealous. and if u dont tell him that u're only getting a job for the money, he's gonna think u agree with him that its a risky situation.

basically, why are u talking to us instead of him?


i dont immediatly think a guy is insecure and controlling just cuz he expressed insecurity and jealousy. its not impossible to reassure pple and make them less insecure and jealous. everybody gets jealous when they're in love..

 

You are right she does have to talk with him

That is what this forum is about to get the opinion of others while we work out these things, anyhow that is what I came here for originally.

I hope you are right I just got out of a relationship where my ex was jealous & it wasn't about love but about ownership. I already had a job but I suspect that if I didn't it would have lead to this kind of thing too. I was hindered from doing quite a few things that would have been improvements for me. I'm not saying that CherryBlueSkies' guy is abusive but it is quite common for an abuser to not want their victim to get a job.

 

i hear u, and i know what abuse is like. but yea, theres a difference between a bf who plain asks u to not have a job and a bf who expresses that he doesnt like the idea of u being a bartender. altho we know CherryBlueSkies doesnt want to be a bartender to meet guys, in her bf's mind its a risky job, cuz she'll get in contact with a lot of guys, who will hit on her, who will be drunk, who will pay drinks to be around her, who will check her out constantly. so yea, more than another job, it triggers jealousy in a guy's eyes. he may be wrong (cuz she says she loves him), but i understand why he can not like the idea of his gf being a bartender.

 

hi guys, this is what i think
it sounds like he's had a bad experience with a girl cheeting on him maybe and he wants to know he can feel safe with you..
even so, he making you feel bad on purpis and that isn't a good thing, maybe you just wanted to go out and enjoy your self, that doesn't mean your gonna get hit on or do the hitting if you know what i mean.
if he loved you then he wouldn't make you feel this way at all, its not up to him to say where you can or cant go, only you have the right to go where ya want to and no one else
is he quite posessive of you as well beautiful?
just be careful wont you
let us know how you get on, and remember
we will be here for you when ever you need us.
pm me if you want to talk about anything sugar, or you can msn me, iether's fine
take care
stay safe
{{{hugs}}}
xxx
ps, she's gotta talk to someone about this otherwise she will go mad if she keeps it in.
i know i would
and no your not a slut you just want some independince that's all and there is nothing wrong with that what so ever!

 

Cherry,

I was a bartender for over 10 years and it does not lead to anything unless you let it. I will tell you that it isn't a fun and glamorous job and is actually stressful and you never make as much as you think you will.

As for the boyfriend I would get away from him because someone that insecure will suck the life out of you. Relationships need trust and it sounds as if he has none for you. I once dated a guy that did not want me to bartend because "the guys will just stare at my tits" and he was a complete jerk about it.....so I can relate.

Just be careful darlin' and make sure you work in a safe bar with security and try not to take customers personally.

 

Control like that is often one of the first signs of an abusive relationship.
I'm not saying it automatically is abusive, but that you need to watch for other signs, be careful and protect yourself.

It sounds to me like he's both insecure and doesn't trust you. How can a relationship work if he doesn't trust you? You know what is and isn't acceptable behaviour from bar patrons, you know where the line is drawn for you.

Also about why chicks go out ot the bar... I go out to dance with my -girlfriends- and have a good time, not because I'm out scoping out the boys. Most guys go to the bar to find girls, but most girls go just to have a good time.

 

this points to a serious control problem, which is abusive already. It will only get worse, and your self-esteem will continue to get lower and lower until he is in control of everything you do, every day. I wouldn't wait around to see if that might not happen, it will.

 

Nah man, you've got to have your freedom to do what you want. Sounds like he ain't worth shit if he's gonna treat you like dat. Maybe he's just paranoid about something though. Talk to him. Communication is important.

 

Very true I am a guy and that sounds like one of the best rationalizations i have ever heard from a female on how we work. but yes ask him about it.

Very untrue, he may not know how exactly he is making you feel. talk to him about it.

If you truly love him and want it to last you both should have a say in what you do with your time together. and apart. you both need to decide where this is going and figure out what you need to do next. take baby steps and I wish you the best of luck in your future.

Kindest Regards,
One-Who-Cares

 

Perhaps it's both. Perhaps he thinks you're easy because you had sex with him quickly and that makes him unable to trust you. But it would be wrong to simply blame yourself for his insecurity and jealousy - those are his feelings and you're not entirely responsible for them. He is responsible too: for letting those feelings get the best of him. You may have (unintentionally) given him the apple, but he chose to eat it. Jealousy and insecurity are normal, up to a point. Beyond that point, a jealous, insecure partner must make a choice: will he choose to trust you over his feelings of jealousy and insecurity, or will he give in to them?

Tell him love is not just a feeling, it is also a choice. Sometimes that means choosing to trust his lover to be faithful even if he is afraid you won't, to be open to the possibility of being hurt by you and yet still love and trust you.

 

Obviously none of us are there to observe but I have to tell you from my experience. It's real easy to be the abused without even realizing it when it's this kind of thing or any of the other psychological abuses. Most of us women are already very self judgemental about so many things it's simple for a partner to use that to their advantage. This time last year I was just starting to realize that I had any worth or deserved any freedom from the years of psychological abuse my ex did even after I moved out in November.

The subject of this thread is somewhat telling that maybe he has already done some damage. CherryBlueSkies asking if she is a slut when she has been faithful to him & hasn't intentions of otherwise doesn't sound very self worthy.

Like I said before I hope that CherryBlueSkies isn't getting caught in that trap but if so I also hope that this can help her get out before it gets worse.

 

Dump his sorry ass. All men get jealous, but a good guy can overcome his stupid feelings.

 

i have seen my sisters go thrue abusive relationships in my life time and if you can get out of it then please please do so, before something really nasty happens
i know its hard because you love him and all that but you need to think of your feelings too in all this honey.
take care cherry and good luck
{{{hugs}}}
l
xxx

 

Arh, i hate jelous guys. And he is just like that.
He is insicure, and he is trying to make you to.
Just show him that you are strong, and that noone can control you. Also, you have to talk to him and show him that you won't cheat on him just because you went in a bar and you had a couple of drinks, and that you are strongetand more mature than that.

 

I think many people have been quick to judge this man, who seems to care about this woman. There are so many people in this world , and many of them could probably be suitable boyfriends and partners. It would be easy to meet one of these interesting, intelligent, and sexy other people anytime you went anywhere, more so in a bar, where you meet people everynight just hanging out and feeling relaxed and unwinding.(Alcohol does lower inhibitions)


If I was a man and met a woman who had all the qualities I ever wanted in a person, and felt that I wanted that relationship to grow, I would be insecure about them meeting someone else too, especially if this relationship is fairly new, and especially in a workplace, where it is easy to relax (in a bar or tavern) with the familiarity, and fall in love with co-workers, or regular patrons.

The thing about "why doesn't he trust her." Maybe it's because of the environment she will be working,(party like atmosphere) and the opportunities that will be available to her. If they haven't been together long, or don't have children, the chances are good she will meet other people she will be capable of being in a relationship with. Maybe she is a one-in-a-million kind of woman , and he is truly smitten, and just doesn't like the thought of losing her.

I don't agree with anyone staying in a psychological abusive relationship, but everytime a man is insecure, it doesn't mean he is being controlling, maybe just wanting to " get, and keep the girl" I think that is quite natural.

 

some great points there, A.B.E. - guys are caring and feeling and insecure just like us chicks - sometimes they don't know how to communicate it properly and they come across sounding like stupid asses, lol, doesn't mean they're controlling psychos!

 

Many man are insicure in their relationships, especaly when they love their girl, but doesn't give them the right to show that behaveur! If they try to control her, or to try to get her not to do some perfectly normal things, and make her feel insecure about her self or her decisions, then they are crossing the line.

 

if he's telling her what to wear that's control. he was making up reasons why she goes to the clubs without asking her what HER reasons were at all. she just wanted to get a job and hang out with her girlfriends. all the signs point to an emotionally abusive relationship. my sis was in one a few years ago and she almost didn't make it out alive. i'm not saying her boyfriend is going to be physically abusive but honestly i couldn't live with a guy like that, telling me what to wear.