fearful of judgement..help needed.

Hello everyone. Im new here. Well I'm dealing with a serious personal issue. But let me tell you a little about myself. I'm 17, black, and I'm living with my mother since she and my father had a divorce. Well a long time ago, I encountered an event where the son of my father's friend [I was 8 at the time and the son was about 16] he tried to put is dick in my mouth and I scream and fought back to get him off me. I ran home after the fact but I never told my parents because 1.) I didn't know if I should out not. 2.) I didn't know how I would tell them. 3.) I was scared. From that point on I didn't want to associate myself with boys so I started hanging around more girls and I started to play with dolls whenever I had the chance and stuff like that. When I was about 12 I got my first computer with a printer and the first thing I did was look at gay porn and print of pictures to look at and possibly masterbate to when I was in the bathroom. Well one day, my mother found the pictures and showed them to my dad who's inital reaction was to beat the hell outta me but it did nothing to make me hate him more. My mother refused to accept the fact that I was gay and when I needed her to comfort me, she would not even touch me. So that same day, she took me to our pastor and told him that I needed help and at the time I didn't know what was going on because I didnt know what was wrong with being gay. I knew I was gay since I was a little kid and now she wanted to do something about it. Well he sat me down and told me how I was going to hell if I didnt change my ways. So since then, I'm been living as this 'straight' guy. I hate pretendig. I want people to know who I really am. I'm sure people at school already know because I act somewhat feminine [ but I dont wanna BE a girl] and I know I act the same way at home and my mom just wanted to ignore it. There have been times where I want to see where she stands with gays and she's totally against it when it comes to boys but when it comes to girls she's okay with it. Now this is the question. I'm in fear that if I come out to her, she's not going to accept me and she's going to force religion back onto me and I dont know if I can withstand it. How can I come out to her, knowing she still will love me and treat me the same?

 

Hey Pondering,
I'm fairly new here too but I've been around the world for a lot of years. What you describe is far more common than you can imagine. You may not find acceptance from your family or church. Some folks just never can deal with gay people. Thats sad but true. What you gotta do is take care of you until you're able to become more independent. At 17 you are problably close to finishing school, hang in till you can graduate. When you are 18 you can legally live on your own and make your own decisions. Do you know any other gay guys around where you live? Can you safely use them for support? Is there any kind of gay hotline in your area where you can call for advice for support? You aren't alone though you may feel like it. Lots of us have had the same kind of things to deal with as we were growing up. It simply may not be possible to come out to your mom and find acceptance. You already know what the church is going to say. Be careful not to put yourself at their mercy if you aren't willing to deal with their reaction. If you can find a gay friend or gay adult to talk to, that may help. Just having another Human Being to look you in the eyes and say "You're OK kid" is worth a lot. Some area's have gay hotlines you can call, use them if there are any. The loneliness you are dealing with can be a real danger for drugs and alcohol. Avoid the trap! Equally, don't let someone use you for their own needs. Make sure of who people really are before you think about being sexually involved. Most of all Good luck to you. I wish you the best of luck and happiness in this new year. You'll probably get lots of advise here. Pick and choose the advise that works best for you. Take care young man, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Steve

 

I guess, you know what your Mom's reaction will be. And the local pastor ain't really going to embrace your being 'a sinner, a gay, a homo' or anything of the kind. That is just the way it is. Do not waste your time and energy trying to change, what cannot be changed.

Get yourself a side job and try to save up as much as you possibly can.

Make sure you graduate and get your grades nice and tidy...

Once you are 18, be prepared to move out and hit the road for a while. There are great places out there and great people, too, accepting of who you are. But, you want to have some cash and make sure you can survive the move without undue hardship.

You can always come back and visit and let them all you want them to know. But just as yarapario said:

Be careful not to put yourself at their mercy if you aren't willing to deal with their reaction.

Over the time, they'll either have to put up with it or simply loose you...

The sooner they know this, the better it is.

KD

 

Pondering, I do hope one day soon you'll find the courage to come out of the closet, as well as deal with your past.

It's unfortunate that you experienced what you did with that 16 year old boy, as well as your father's reaction to you.

I know it's easier said than done, but the sooner you come out, the sooner the people around you can learn from you and work together with you to move forward.

I've had several people in my family in similar situations than you, and even though at first it's a struggle to learn to live/deal with some issues, that struggle eases with time.

Good luck, and much love to you.

 

I just want to thank you all for your help. you have no idea how stressed I am about coming out. I honestly thank God that there are people out there who care enough to help me in a time of need. Thank you. Thank you so much.