Im a newbie with issues... advice please!

Hi.. Im new... Nice to meet you all.

So here's the deal.

I am 21 y.o. Married (2 years) and mommy of a 19 month old girl.

I never wanted to get married. I loved my (now husband) boyfriend to death, but I never had plans of marriage. I got pregnant, he was in the army and I needed a health plan, so I decided to get married. I tryie dgiving a shot to the marriage thing. But marriage is something that, bealive it or not, since I was a kid I didn't want to do.

I have always felt that marrige is not for me. Dont get me wrong, I do love my husband, I just can't stand living with someone else. In a marrieg things to work out need to be 50/50. I feel I can't do that, I need my things and my space and 50/50 is not enough.

At first marriage was horrible, we were just getting used to each other. Then it was all good. We are very good friends. But all this time of monogamous sex has killed completly my sex drive. I have absolutely no desire in sex, neither with him or by myself. I feel I am just waisting my time. When I do try to have sex with him ... its so ... uhg.. I just dont like it. Is like masturbating, because I feel his hands are my hands. (i dont know if I am making sense). Is like I got used so much to his touch that it was become mine. Intercourse is painful because no matter how much he tried to turn me on (foreplay, oral sex) it's just not working. I dont know if being with someone else would make a difference because I haven't. I am faithful and I have no interested in cheating. But sometimes I found myself daydreaming about dating (no sex, just dating, flirting, meeting new ppl)

I want to know if there is something wrong with me and why I am not interested in marriage. Is it ok to not want a marriage? I feel this is not for me and being in this marriage is taking a toll on me. I used to be have an amazing sex life, very pleasurable and never had a problem reaching orgasms (any kind).

 

Honey. Listen to me. Don't throw in the towel yet. Having young children really, really can sap your sex drive. Trust me. It's exhausting both physically as well as emotionally, and let's face it. Women tend to handle the bulk of child care and household responsibilities. No offense guys! It's no wonder you're not in the mood, you're worn out!

Now that's not to say that, hey, maybe this marriage really isn't for you, but consider the fact that having young children under foot can take even the most health, robust sex drive and send it spiraling down the tubes.

You never know, you *think* it would be different with other people dating-wise, but you might find yourself in the same situation as far as desire goes, even then.

I mean hey, marriage isn't for everybody. Me, I knew that was what I wanted, even from a very young age. I met my husband when I had just turned 17, and we were married by the time I was 20, had our first child by the time I was 21. But that's what I wanted. I wanted marriage, I wanted kids, and I was head over heels in love with my husband. And it's been a perfect fit for me. But not everybody is like that.

I don't know...have you talked with your husband about any of your feelings?

 

yes i have talked to him about it. He thinks that I am depressed because of the whole marrige thing. Hes in the army so when I got married I got relocated with him to Hawaii (where I currently live) and I lived in Puerto Rico. I was going to college and I had so many plans.

He is going to send me back home so I can finish my education, plus he is going to Iraq next summer.

Its a lot of things that came all together, when I wanted none of them. I feel that I did got over it, in the sense that I do love my husband and we have a great friendship/communication, I love my daugther to death, but the sex... OMG the sex is just so.. meaningless to me. When I think sex the first thing that comes to my mind is "work". "i got to do this, and that..." Is not very pleasurable because I don't find it exciting. Is more like a rutine.

The only hope I have is that maybe if I go back to school and continue my plans all this will go away. That is just situational. But like you say, what if not? What if another person is not the answer? What if I let my husband slip away for nothing? He a great husband and a great daddy.

I dont know if I should wait and see what happens... or move back to PR.

 

You sound exactly, and I mean exactly like I did when my children were little babies. To me, sex was just one more thing I had to do that day. Not that I didn't enjoy it once we began, it was just, I was so tired, I was going nonstop all day, and then when I finally wanted to settle down for the night, well, my husband was in the mood, and all I wanted to do was go to sleep! :&

You *might* have post-partum depression, which can also cause a major lack of desire plus contribute to all of these feelings you're currently having. You're right in that, maybe getting back into school and doing something that will make you feel good about yourself could also boost your desire and help with some of these feelings you've been having.

You also have been through some major changes in your life! Marriage, a baby, relocating...those are other factors that could be causing you to feel these emotions right now.

I don't know, like I said, marriage isn't for everyone, but you have been through a lot of things lately that can really take a toll! A lot of stress, a lot of adjustments!

 

thank you so much. I really needed to hear it from someone else. I thought I had no reason to be like this, and that i was making it all up.

 

You're welcome! I hope things look up for you...keep your chin up!

{{{Hugs}}}

 

and my legs uncrossed, lol

 

Hehehe! Yeah, that too!