I have a young family member (age 15) and I'm 99.9% sure he is gay or bi. The thing is the entire family except me and my DH are very anti-gay and are the types to turn thier back on him or force him into some freaky treatment center. I'm scared for him because I went thru a similar thing as a teen. I had to walk away from my own family because they refused to respect my lifestyle choices. I live a really vanilla life but to my family it's a pretty big deal that I've decided to live this way. So much so I have spoken maybe 30 words to my father in the last 5yrs. I live 10mins away and have a child he has never met. I know firsthand how painful it can be to not be what your parents/family expected and I'm concerned for my nephew. So how do I bring up the subject? or support him without being too obvious? I know he isn't ready to come out yet but I want him to know that my love for him won't chnage when he does come out. Help please.
First off, what does DH stand for? Secondly, how are you so sure that he's gay? If he's not ready to come out yet, I wouldn't push anything on him. But that's me...It can be a pretty touchy subject; this is a shitty situation for everyone involved.
yes....I wouldnt bring up the subject , what if you are wrong and he isnt Gay......Its nearly impossible to honestly tell if someone really is just by watching how they carry themsleves. I know several guys who are somewhat girlish in the way they speak and gesture and such......but they are 100 per cent straight.
The "what if he isn't" is the only reason I have not said anything yet. I suspect based on they way he carries himself, his choice of friends and more directly because I picked him up from a school event and found him sitting down holding hands with his head on the shoulder of another boy in what looked to me like a more than friends sort of way. I was once 15 and sat around smooching after dances so it's sort of obvious. He was really freaked out and made this huge "nothing was going on" scene and asked me not to say anything to his parents. It made me want to cry because if it had been a girl I know he would have been totally relaxed. I told him at the time (6mons ago) I wouldn't say anything and that I hoped he had a good time. **DH is dear husband. I know this is a gay forum but I was hoping to find some poeple who have been there done that to offer advice and my regular boards have only a handful of lesbian gals.
Depending on how often you are around him, you can let him know that you're gay positive. If you approach him head-on with your suspicions he may run from the truth and do the denial thing. Poor kid is probably scared to death and caught in the bind of his own reality and the poison that he gets from his family. If there are opportunities to discuss gay issues, let him know you're accepting and loving. Are you prepared to take the boy in to raise if his parents kick him out? If not, do you know a safe loving environment for him to go to? No doubt you are aware of the suicide rate for young gay boys, it might be wise to keep an eye out for any signs of presuicidial behavior. Above all, love the kid, let him know he's valued whether gay or straight. Be a haven for him so he has a place to where he knows he is OK. Good Luck to all of you.
. Tell him the truth. "I had to walk away from my own family because they refused to respect my lifestyle choices. " Tell him the story about how you turned your back on your family. I am assuming the kid is on your DH's side? If so, you can even tell that story while at in a casual setting with his folks. Just wink at him or make sure he hears the message. The parents might hear it too. They probably suspect as well as you do, and this may give them an opportunity to rethink their stance, which often happens after the damage is done. Also, if you do get a chance to talk alone with him, like when you pick him up for events. Make up a story. That's right, tell him a different truth. About how you got a call from a high school buddy yesterday, Russel, who is successful and sooo happy he found the perfect man and is living in california now. And then tell about how you helped Russel when he was coming out. Russel would call you about the problems he was having with his parents... And that was so sad because Russ was such a cool kid, he was like into... (what is it the nephew is into?) and now you miss Russ so dearly. You miss yacking with him about everything on the phone, but Russel's too busy for you now. And anyway, you just don't understand why people don't accept gay folks. P.S. I'd drop the hint to him, before I talked about anything in front of his folks .
My turning my back on my parents was choosing a very conservative lifestyle over thier very free one. I have a very liberal mind but choose not to live in an open marriage, do drugs, or have porn and alcohol as part of my daily routine. I'm very open to other people doing as they wish but don't feel some things are for me. So me telling him how I decided not to be a drug addict who was into kiddie porn (a family member is and sees nothing wrong with it)...does not make the best story. I do have a dear friend from High School that didn't come out until we graduated but me and a few other gals knew and sort of acted as cover. I have not spoke to him directly but heard from another friend that he met a great guy and they live in Denver now. They both made some big $$ in real estate and are living the good life as I understand.
The moral of your story isn't that you were liberal and that your parents were stifling Or even that you were nobel and your family were lecherous. The moral that I see, is that a family lost a wonderful daughter through their neglect and their will. That is, in fact, what I believe your nephews family is doing. They are poised to lose a wonderful son. You know, I am glad you have a gay friend from high school that you can talk to your nephew about. You don't have to lie. It's just, I'm such a one that I would shave my head if I believed it would help my friend to become enlightened. In cases like this, I'm not afraid of padding the truth.
