The stress is on again in full force

:banghead: Ok you all I am so stress and just ready to lose it. The hubby again has me feeling uncontrolably hurt and sad. I was trying to decorate for x-mas last night because it is a tradition I grew up with a happy time in my family home when all fighting stopped. For years he has just grumbled when I put up the tree This year he has made me cry it is not fair. We received a real tree from his work for christmas. For starters He had it balled and bagged and planted it in the front yard told me if I wanted to decorate a tree I could decorate the one in the front yard. SO I bought all new stuff and decorated the tree in the front yard. Well last night I decided the heck with it I put a 4ft fake tree up on our T.V. I asked him to help me reach a branch up hi to fix something he refused. I asked why he was like this. He told me in his buttholeish way that there was no point with no kids. We have been with each other off and on for 10yrs and married for 3. We have been told do to his health problems having our own children could be difficult if not impossible. I am ok with this. I would adopt whatever to give him the children he wants. I have told him this he refuses he doesn't want a child that is not his blood child because they can only carry on the name not the blood line. Anyway we got in this big to do over the tree because it is important to me . I told him it was not just a holiday for kids and it was not our fault we did not have any kids, He yells at me no its mine pretty much proven by 2 different doctors. I told him it was not his fault it was just not our time yet. Well he continued with the condicending attitude all night. he has been this was for a while condicending. I am not sure what to do. I mean yah I want babies but I would adopt if it was my choice. I don't know what to do. I probably should of put this under realtionships but it is a family issue to me.

 

Ok guys I really need your advice and thoughts on this. So if you would please give me some feed back soon.

 

Hmmmm, you both sound -really- hurt over this child issue. The christmas season is considered to be one for family and the fact that you guys can't/dont' currently have a family just rubs salt into the wound for both of you. I think you guys need to sit down when you aren't already all emotionally charged (both of you) and try to talk it out. Have y'all considered couples therapy/counselling at all? It might help find a more productive way to hammer out some of your guys' issues

 

I could see where you would think it is a problem with both of us ihmurria. But for me it really isn't it use to be when I was like 20-23. But now I am ok with whatever happeneds that I am positive of. D is the one that won't let up heck he keeps tract of my cycle better then me alot better. I am late right now but they already did both a ua and a blood test to check when I gave myself a concussion last week. All says not prego. But if I am even a day late he starts throwing out baby names. His mom is just as bad about wanting a grandbaby from her only child. I know that I am willing to wait to have children or not to have them at all. I tried a while back to sit down and talk about it with D but he is so set on the only child he wants is his own blood. Last resort when we are like 40 is adoption, I have suggested invertro, artificialinsimination But he said not unless it is his which is fine we can try using his if they are available. As for councilling I have suggested it out the wahoo he blatintly refused. He says there is no need for councilling on this. I am just at my wits end he is really pushing me away big time because holidays any holidayis not worth wild to him without children. I really just can't understand the no adoption thing. And why does he have to make me feel like crap over this whole thing evry chance he gets? :anger: :hysterica

 

Well....guess I'll just say the obvious - take your power back woman

When you 'let' someone behave that way - you Are part of the problem
Is the security of this relationship more important than your integrety to yourself ?
Once upon a time you had a dream and direction - and Now ?
To be part of a codependent relationship is to be also codependent - the scourge of this society
If you refuse to be part of the solution and instead continue to encourage by playing your "part", then maybe you need to rethink your urges for any kind of selfrespect - because being part of the problem does not go along with it.

No offense is meant - but a wake up call sure is !

Blessings along the Way
the lessons Learned

Namaste (my spirit bows to your spirit)

 

Oldwolf I may be off on what you are saying. But so I should just tell him what? That I want kids as much as he does but that I am ok if it doesn't happen and he needs to be more open minded to other options not just a blood child because he is not the only one in the marriage and that his actions are affecting my happiness? Sorry I was not real clear on you meaning.

 

I am not privy - nor want to be of what goes on in your relationship. But it sure sounds abusive and codependent from what you've made public.
Sounds like you are fast becoming used to being his doormat for his frustrations.
If you do not want to live the way you are now living - then You must change it - And No One can tell you how - you Must save yourself
Sorry , there just ain't no easy answer - I know this from experience - Yah - have been there and did have to break the pattern - the other was not willing to break the pattern or change, so we parted ways.

Down the road we can look back and give reverend thanks that we had the strength to be True to our Self.

Blessed Be dear lady

Namaste

 

I understand what you are saying now thank you. I have come to realize in the last week I need to put foot down on a lot of thing here lately. I fully intend to do so to night. There has been to much lately and I never looked at it as abuse before though

 

Old Wolf is wise. This problem goes deeper than wanting children or not. Take back your power, indeed. If YOU want something, a Christmas tree, a baby, anything, DO IT. He sounds depressed and depressing.

Talk to him about getting help, and keep his mama out of it. I have found (been with the same man for 28 years) that no good ever comes from getting our parents involved in ANYTHING.

And, yes, he does sound abusive. If you can't take your power back, get some help so you can. There are battered womyn's shelters everywhere. Not all battering is physical. The concussion thing raised a huge red flag for me, though, honey.

If he wont get help, he can't stop you from getting it. ONE of you needs to get healthy. Start with yourself. I mean this will ALL respect and love.

 

OK the concussion was not caused by him He wasn't even home. He was at work. See we had a big snow here earlier that day and I went out to get some mayo for the salad I was making I fell once on the way out to get the mayo and once on the way back in when I got home. When he got home he tried to talk me in to going to the ER but I didn't want to. So the next day at work my boss sent me they only thing the hubby had to say on that was he had asked you to go last night. As for the Christmas tree in the house it is now there along with the one out side along with a few extra decortaions. I also put down my foot on getting the house interior painting done it must be complete by the 20th. For the most part I am a strong person, it just seems lately that the fight has gone out of me. But I do not like being precieved as a door mat and I really hadn't thought of it in that way until I came you all with these issues. Thanks again. Oh and be sure of this one thing he has and never will physically abuse me.

 

Yes the non prego situation is low motilaty and count. He is having a hard time with that. The reason I went into the concussion part of the post was because it raised concern so I wanted to be clea he was not the cause. I have since I started posting her took to demanding the little things I want Like the x-mas tree and the master bedroom has been finished with help from him not the tree part but the room. He has now realized going to take care of great grandma is not feasable. As for my cousin he is supporting me in that relationship now. Lane says he has been cleaned up for two years now and wants to be around family so dh is trying to be understanding. I guess he didn't expect me to lose my temper and let him have it. I though he was going to fall over when I told him I was his wife note his slave or property and it was time he realized that because I had had enough. I guess I have just been going with the flow for too long.

 

One last little word relic hahah
going with the flow is much different than taking the path of least resistance.

peace and Love

 

I finished high school he was a year behind me. He just turned 26 a month ago. I had the choice to go to college if I payed for it per my parents. I had the chance to go into the field I thought wanted right after I graduated and worked with adults and kids with developmental disabilities so that is what I did. See I was dating a physically abusive guy in high school before I met my dh. The dh was a friend that met at my new high school noticed the bruises from the bf at the time and he wouldn't quit reminding me that scott the ex did know his own strength and the bruises were not an accident. We started dating my senior year he was great you could not ask for a better guy compared to the ex. We would break up over little things like his mom for a week at a time during that school year. Well agter I graduated we broke up th following Jaunuary because of his mom making it so hard to see each other and my work schedule getting in the way of the times she would let us dee each other. So we got in an arguement over it one night and I told him I lived in the adult world where you don't change your work schedule to see your bf because his mom is being a bitch. I broke up with him that night. We stayed broke up from January till October. We ran into each other one night and started talking again. All was great until we got married in 2003 and he started driving a truck for a window company here in MO. That's when he started acting like the guys he worked with and the problems of him being condicending started. I almost divorced him in 2004 because I had lost alot of weight and he had quit going anywhere with me or paying any attention to me, but things got better after I lost my temper over evrything with him and moved out for a few weeks. The roommate (Gail) that was also causing problems by lieing to us both also got kicked out on her ass at that time. I came back home and things improved. In 11/2005 we started having problems again because I was working 16 hours a day and when I was home I was asleep, we lost alot of people at work during that time and I was covering shifts; I had started working security by then. We were trying to redo the house we had bought that past April and I was never home to help I was only there to sleep. I was working that much by my own choice and he was mad because I wasn't home enough. Well eventually this evened out and got better again until a few weeks ago when my cousin called on Thanksgiving night and you know the rest from there.

 

Just want you to all know thing are going well this week we have spent a lot of time talking and making holiday plans with our families. Last night he even helped me make homemade hot cocoa mix for the whole family for x-mas. He has never helped me make holiday goodies or get gifts ready. I was so excited at his willingness to help.

 

I take it back, what I said in the other thread. These people are right.

They call it the "honeymoon stage" and it's typical in abusive relationships. He will go back to berating you and belittling the things that are important to you as soon as you let your guard down. It's even harder to see when you have previously been in physically abusive relationships, but the effects on you are the same, whether he's emotionally/psychologically abusive or beating the crap out of you. Think about how you feel when he does/says those things. How is your self-esteem these days?

 

Right now it is ok except for my problem with my weight I think I am to fat he says I am not that I am beautiful. I will be trying to change the way I look after the first of the year I am going to start counting points with weight watchers. He may like big women I hate being fat so that will change per me. My self-esteem has never been good in my life since I was a child (thank you Daddy). That will take a lot to overcome. That could be why I don't see things as you all do I see it as him being a pain in the ass and that he is just doing it to piss me off you all see abuse. I don't know?