My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months, I think we're in love for the most part, but what do I know I'm young. Thats what he says to me all the time he tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him back, and he tells me I'm too young to know what love is. In reality hes 21 and im 18, not that much of a difference. I know he thinks hes way smarter then me too, which sorta annoys me, but I let him go on thinking it. I have found out that alot of guys especially the ones that have a couple of years on you, always tend to think that they are way smarter then you. My boyfriend refers to me as a naieve little girl too, that pisses me off, I ask him why hes with me and he says because hes in love with me. another issue we have is that hes always calling me and asking me where i am, who im with and what not. he has this big fear that im going to cheat on him because a past incident, but i tell him im not that kind of person, he doesnt seem to listin or take that into considertion. I need a little advice on how to talk to him, i just dont know what to say and im tired of fighting about this shit
Just a couple of pointers- If you're feeling stifled it's probably also worsened by the fact that you just need to get away (even if for awhile to get things sorted). So let's put aside the annoyance with him calling for now. Secondly, it's not nice dealing with a patronizing person. It's extremely irritating and it erodes your own self-worth. You're not going to like it when I tell you, but 18 to 21 is quite a large jump. At 18, some have not even graduate highschool yet, found a job or had to deal with a different type of lifestyle - college. A lot happens in these three years. Some even move out of their parents' places and move off on their own. You may not be willing to consider the truth of what he says, and this also adds to the frustration. I don't think he is ready to love you without hurting you. And you aren't ready to accept that you are younger and less experienced. If you're tired of fighting, then stop fighting. You don't have to accept all the bullshit, but you may want to revise what has been going on and really think on your own if you are ready to continue being with this person. The behaviour will not stop, trust me - especially since it sounds you've been working with it for awhile. It's inbuilt and we cannot help looking at people a certain way. He probably likes being the protector, the more experienced one, the one in control. There's nothing wrong with that and I really don't think it warrants any suspicions. However I'm not sure if this is what you need right now. I went through this stage too. It's only when I was comfortable with myself that I was ready for playing with fantasies and going with the flow being the "little girl". And it was only then that the patronizing attitude became a turn on - seriously - but within limits. Know your limits. Sometimes we have to wait to learn more about ourselves.
Misty--the fact that he calls you and wants to know where and who you're with ,would indicate he wants to control you.Usually that only gets worse and not better.I'll bet some females will show up with some stories that will help you decide what to do-----take care--and I mean TAKE CARE.
He is putting you down to make himself feel smarter and more together. Do you really want to be with someone who thinks your opinions are lame and naive? I would want to be with someone who respected my opinion instead of dismissing it.
Putting you down, behaving patronizing toward you because you're just a naive little girl, attempting to make you feel that you need him to protect you and explain things to you -- these are signs of an abusive relationship. No, it doesn't start out, and may never progress to physical abuse -- the mental abuse is so much more effective. The longer you let him get away with this belittling, the worse it will get. Another HUGE red flag of a potentially abusive partner. It doesn't matter if he's been hurt -- if it's that bad, he should see a counsellor to work through his own issues, not take them out on you. If you're feeling smothered or controlled, run away, run far far away. Sit down with him and say, look, this is not right. Tell him that his patronizing shit hurts your feelings, and if he cares at all about you, then he needs to stop doing it. If he loves you, he needs to respect you as an equal, not some naive little girl. And he needs to work on trust. A relationship without trust is not a relationship worth being in, so if he can't learn to trust you, you'll have to reevaluate this relationship. If he cares, he will listen and will work on improving these issues. He may slip from time to time, so don't institue a "zero-tolerance" policy, but he needs to steadily improve. Otherwise, dump his ass NOW, before it gets worse.
Listen, the guy is very insecure, you don't have the fault of him being like that. And tell him to back off about that whole "Smart ass/superiority" shit, besides love, you should have RESPECT in a relationship don't you think? I knew what love was at 16, and nobody can tell what i really felt and what i didn't. I completely agree with dawn sky too. And 3 years difference is no big deal, 10 is.
I agree with Dawn hands down. First its all just patronizing. Then you sometimes you get the being held down in an arguement so you can't leave and start getting accused of doing things your not. Then they start following you. Finally you end up thrown into walls. That's what happened with me. But I thought I loved that guy people would mention the control the verbal abuse. I would tell them it wasn't like that. Then the small bruises from being held down one my sholders was he just didn't want me to leave and he didn't know his own strenght. Then I started challenging his patronizing ways and he ended up throwing me into the bathroom wall. At that point it all be came so clear and I was done. I ended it then and there. He cried and carried on he was sorry didn't mean to. I was done it was over. He lived with me and my mom I kicked him out and went and stayed with a friend for a few days. I was 16 I now realize he was my first serious boyfriend my first on most things that is why I was attached I hadn't had other relationships to know it was wrong. Please be careful. I see an unhealth situation right now for you. We are here for you if you need us.
i think he is very insecure, but also i think that i let him control me too much, and never try to stop him. but i will definitly be talking to him today. hes an understanding type of guy too, i just dont know how to approach him.
that doesn't even make any sense. if he says i love you, then you say it back, he says you don't know what love is. he's only 3 years older than you. that's not anything. he's probably insecure. he sounds like a control-freak. have you talked to him about it yet?
Yeah this dude sounds controling. Have you talked to him yet? If so, I hope it went well! If not, I'd do it asap.
we talked, and at first things we're pretty rocky, and he put me into tears, but i think he finally relized i didnt deserve all this. what it came down to was that he was gonna treat me better or i was gonna leave. it worked and hes really started to be respectful to me. he told me he wants to treat me like a princess from now on. thank u everybody for all the advice
Hmm... I hope it works, but it sounds like the problem is his attitude towards you and women in general, plus his values and morals being in conflict with yours... I beg you, if he doesnt stick to it, leave him, or you'll just justify and normalise his bad behaviour for the rest of your life
I hate to rain on your parade, but that's part of the cycle. Treat you like shit until you say something in your defense or threaten to leave, then put you up on a pedestal and treat you like a queen... Until he gets upset and tears you back down again. But he was so good to you, this is just a slip up, or he was just really stressed out, or I shouldn't have done X, or whatever... And he appologizes and puts you back up on your pedestal for a while, convincing you to stay... And the "episodes" just keep getting worse... For all the bs that romance novels and soap operas feed you, I've yet to see a relationship where "he treats her like a princess" ever works out. You should be equals, not his goddess (who then has much farther to fall when you're not 110% perfect). I wouldn't settle for less than a man who treats me as his equal, it really is a million times better than being his "princess" (which is still infantilizing, why isn't he treating you like his queen instead of princess?). To be fair, I am totally judging based solely on what you've posted here (I have nothing more to go on, of course). But, because he seems to be setting off a few red flags, I suggest that you look around online and read up on signs of an abusive relationship. Keep those in mind and pay attention to how he continues to treat you. I really hope that I am totally wrong about this (who would ever want to be right about something like this?). But I'd rather be overly negative than say nothing and find out later that he eventually wound up beating the crap out of you, ya know.
So many good responces! I'll just say read them all and then re read them. Then go with your head not your heart.
