the balance of sex in a relationship

Feel free to post more generally about the topic, not just my specific problem as well.

Well, my bf and I have been dating for almost a month now, we had sex once last week (we'd already slept together twice, but literally just slept together). We talked on the phone rather briefly last night and during that time he said "You know how last week we woke up and had sex? Let's lay off of that for a while, I don't want that to be the only thing in our relationship" or something to that effect.

This just feels... weird. I thought guys were typically (albeit not always) the horn dogs of the relationship. Sex is important to me, if I just wanted a companion without the sexual side of things, well, that's what best friends are for. Hell, I've got friends I could makeout with if that's all i wanted. But I wanted more than that. *sigh* Any thoughts? We're going out for lunch today in a few hours

 

No... not all guys are horndogs, especially if there's something genuinely there. I think he needs a bit of space to chill out, and *time* to test your relationship.

Don't mistake his saying to wait that he's in love with you though. It depends how close and honest you are with each other. Maybe he's playing the game still, and "hard to get". Maybe he's sincere and wants this to be something more.

It's pretty easy to get caught up in sex at the start of a relationship - and then before you know it, you're having sex everytime you meet that person. And the brain is on sex because that's mostly the only activity you do (and it's so delicious but maybe not what you both want or can see growing with). I did this once.. I think it was a mistake as both of us could have known so much more about each other, talked about things and grown more constructively. Instead, the rl spiralled into sex and lust even though there was sincere affection. It did not have the chance to grow much more beyond that.

All I can say is - give it time. He seems like he needs it too. Chill out for a bit. Have some slushy bubble tea. Tell him you understand and just smile. And enjoy the relationship for now.

 

Well really the best thing to do is to talk about it with him, and about his attitude towards sex in general. Maybe he's just really into you and doesn't wanna ruin it by rushing into things? Maybe he wants to take his time to get to know you on an emotional level first, and the physical level will come later?

 

He could be trying to make himself stand out from other men. He could really like you and not want to get it screwed up by throwing sex in too early. He could just be messing around to see your reaction. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, he is probably all talk. You will just have to wait and see what his intentions are. In the meantime, it got you thinking anyway.

 

But we've already fucked once. So it's not like sex isn't in the equation already, it's just... now we aren't supposed to?

He explained that he wanted to get to know me before rolling around together, which makes sense and all but I think you also learn a lot about a person when you share your body with them. I'm just kinda frustrated, I love sex, it's important to me and honestly I need it to a certain degree. I'm a horny girl, I'll admit it. I dunno, I'm still frustrated.

 

i agree with what hannah is saying. take some time to get to know this guy instead of wanting to have sex with him. i know i wish i would have done that early on in my relationship with shane. honestly all i want from him is sex all the time. but now its been 14 weeks and 4 days since we have even touched each other and thats because he has a certain problem that he hasnt taken care of yet . and it suck cuz im pregnant now and my hormones are going like crazy and i want not just sex but the physical closeness and the emotion that it brings 24/7 and i cant get that with a dildo or a vibrator. it doesnt work anymore. after 6 months of constant use of a B.O.B with out your partner it ges sboring and no fun.

what i suggest you do is instead of tryin to get into his pants constantly try to pick his brain while you two are cuddling or something. i wish i would have done that with shane hell we never even cuddled its just sex then sleep so try to make a lil something out of this relationship if you truly beleive it's worth while. and if all else fails get a B.O.B

 

Maybe he feels guilty about the sex??
Maybe he's backing out of the relationship now that he's had sex???
I don't know only guessing.
Maybe he's not serious enough about the relationship to handle the responsibility of the sex???





Bustramp

 

He may have some lofty notions but rub on him a couple times and I bet it falls by the wayside. I don't think you will have problems getting any. My only concern would be if it is an attemp to push you away after the first encounter. If he is still calling and acting interested then no worries.

 

Maybe he doesn't want to treat you like some sex object. Maybe he's in the relationship for the long run and wants you to see that.

 

I had a somewhat similar relationship as you described ihmurria, some good times in bed quite early on, but then soon we actually got to know each other and some very big differences of opinion came up. Shit hit the fan, we argued a while, then not really knowing her it was a lot harder to fix things...

Basically what I'm saying is that a relationship can involve sex of course, but there is more to it, and it's better imo to at least know the person reasonably well before you get too serious to avoid problems later on. I don't know for sure what your boyfriend's reasoning is, but the best way to figure it out is to ask him what he's thinking. Once you know you can stop worrying about it.

I hope that helps a bit, sorry if I sound a bit stupid or don't make a lot of sense because I've had a few drinks tonight

 

Some guys like to feel that they "seduced" you - a romantic dinner, a good movie, some wine, then home and onto the couch for some foreplay, and tnen clothes off. He may feel that middle of the night sex is too animalistic, or he is too drowsy to really get his sensory receptors going to enjoy it.

Personally, if I was asleep and my girl started stroking my penis, and I woke up, I would put it in her in a second.

 

ahahahaahhahahaah yeah no, he's not into culture like that, doesn't like wine, we've never gone out to dinner (he works night shift) or a movie

 

Or maybe he does not want to be the sex object/Toy ...only. Maybe he wants to be something little more...some men also have moods...sometimes lol. And very very some have a Pride too. they even discovered an obselete race of them who can feel what the woman is thinking of them. Not me...I like to be abused.....Hahahahahah

I'm not promoting Astrology here, but if i want some clues about a person, i would pass his/her Birthdate at least to some one interested in Astrology, preferably birth time, state, city, and gender just to be sure. Know a lot of people can help with that.

OK ...i'll go.. no one pushs me please ......... :leaving:

 

he just thinks you special. you have to let him know that he can both think your special, and fuck your brains out as much as he wants. my male perspective on lovemaking in a relationship, is i like to hit it 5 or six times a day for 3 or 4 days, and then enjoy some physical space for a week or so or less, then go back at it. that way i can balance my individuality and my relationship.

 

If he "thinks I'm special" then why does he flake out on calling me when he says he's going ot, or is chronically late? Why does any conversation with him revolve earound only him? When I talk about anything in my life all I get back is a "yeah" or "okay".


I'm just.... really frustrated. Every time he flakes out or is difficult to talk to I downgrade the potential of our relationship in my head, but he won't let us be fuckbuddies because he doesn't even want to fuck me.

 

haha there is always the possibility you suck in bed.

just throwing it out there.

 

If he is flaking out on you to, it is probably just that he is not all that interested. He might not want to take the relationship any further but doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe that is why he is pulling back on the intimacy.

 

I've been like the guy your talking about before. I put off sleeping with my college girlfriend because I didn't want the sex to be the whole relationship. I like to think that sex is the desert of a rleationship, not the main course. And for us it worked well... no sex for the first several months, and then we had a good relationship that lasted five years (distance and money priorities really did us in).

But this guy isn't exactly like me because I see much bigger issue with his not really talking about you. That's a great big red flag to me. The lack of sex may be a problem for you, but the lack of interest in your life and feelings is a lot more troubling to my mind. It shows a serious self-involvement, and trust me on this one, I know all about being involved with a person who has the world revolve around them alone.

My advice... see if he's really listened to what you've said about how you feel about something... something that doesn't involve him directly. If he has really listened, then I'd relax and try to work with him. You said that a friend with no sex is what best friends are for. Well, if he turned into your best friend and then you got hot between the sheets, isn't that the best of both worlds? I know... it's frustrating to go without. Sex is important in a long term relationship, but I'd take intimacy over sex if the situation called for it.

Just remember... my advice is absolutely free... and worth what you pay for it.

 

No fuckbuddy = feeling shitty physically = decrease self-esteem

No loving/chatting/laughing = feeling shitty mentally + feeling shitty emotionally = (decrease self-esteem)2



When you're finally finished focussing on what "can be" and doing yourself enough damage, maybe you'll come around and focus on what really "is". Sometimes we just have to face that it's not working out. I do hope it does, however, for your sake. Sending lots of sunshine and fuckie-vibes your way.


Meanwhile... let's go karaoke to Meatloaf, girlie...

"OBJECTS IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR MAY APPEAR CLOSER THAN THEY ARE...."

Louder! I can't hear you!

:guitar: :drummer:

 

good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere :X :X
Heh, I used to sing that one all the time when I was in elementary lol