Or lazy, spoiled children who dump their babies off on the grandparents? Okay, that sounds a bit hateful, but really? What is up with these young "parents" who think they can just expect their parents to take care of their little ones, so they can have a "life" of their own--just because they're "so young;" like they're some kind of victim? Give me a freaking break. Okay, i admit that my family and i lived with my parents for about 2 years before we we able to buy our own house. But we bought our own groceries, paid our own bills, and never asked for money. We did ask my parents to watch our son (then our only child) one night--when we got married. So why am i ranting about this? Haha, i don't really know. I'm not jelous of parents who get all that "me" time (okay, maybe a little, lmao, but who would complain about an extra hour here and there?). It's just that there are SO MANY people who do this! Like it's normal! I could name about 30 women my age, or a couple of years older/younger that i know, who have done this, most of them to an extreme, and less than 5 who have been mature parents. I think it's wonderful that these little ones have such loving grandparents; i went to school with a couple of girls that were raised by their grandmothers for different reasons, and they turned out to be wonderful women. But what does it teach them? Babies are no fun? Grandma is the only one who wants me? I'm sorry to be going off like this, but it's something that really gets to me. I'm interested to see what everyone else says about this. Is it the parent's fault, for being irresponsible, or the grandparents' fault for letting them? I think it's easy to see where i stand, lol.
Oh, and i'm soo not directing this at anyone here, lol; something that was said indirectly in another post just sparked it, lol. You know how that goes sometimes
My ex had a six year old son, she was 26 and did this all the time, it really bothered me. Literally her son would spend more than half his time with his grandparents, I couldn't understand it and didn't respect it at all. You could tell how confused the boy was from it, it was very sad. I hope he turns out to be a good kid, but right now, it doesn't look promising to me.
I know what u mean... Right now my kids are young and go to bed at 7 which is nice because after I put them to bed I get to go out or do things that need to be done. I don't think I could possibly pull myself away from them for very long. I have to admit though, I'm a little jealous of those people who do get all that free time yet I can't understand how they can feel fine with it...
I had a lot to say about this on the other thread (did I spark you, RW ?) I think it is a mix of boundry issues, often brought on by immaturity of not wanting to care for their own children as well as the parents not wanting their children to grow up, or be able to be independent and using money and child care as a tool of manipulation. In your situation,RW, you and your dh were very young, but you care for your own children and don't expect your mama to raise them. I don't see your situation as a boundry issue, you are VERY much your own womyn and a fine independent mama, to boot!!!! I see too many parents complaining about not be treated like adults by their parents, yet refusing to give up the handouts and free child care which is causing the beleive in their parents and inlaws that they cannot act like adults. Having children is a rite of adulthood. Taking responsibility is part of that rite. You can't have your children and your barhopping-partying-going-out-every-night-I-need-some-time (like a week at a time) to-myself at the same time. My next door neighbor watches her three grandkids (and often her son in law's child with an other womyn) every weekend ALL weekend long. She is nearing her 60s and she loves these kids, but her dd does not act like an adult (neither does her 30 year old, still at home and "can't find a job" son) nor is she treated like one. I don't know her dd well, but I am sure she complains to whoever it is she parties with all weekend that her mother doesn't take her seriously. Did it start with my neighbor, not "allowing" her kids to grow up and stay dependent on her? And was it so conveneint for them that they couldn't say no? My aunt holds the mortgages for three of her five children;s homes. Her kids went along with this "Cuz it is cheaper than a bank." WTF? My cousin (who is nearly 40) was complaining that "I want a dog, my mother won't let me have a dog." I was like, WTF, Lisa, you are a grown womyn, in your own house, get a freakin dog!" "I can't" she said. "My mom and dad have my mortgage and they said no dogs." JEEZ! I'd pay double the going mortgage rate just to avoid a situation like that. This womyn (my aunt) Lords her "gererosity" over her children all the time. They also frequently use her as "free" babysitting, and they are always complaining that she in in their business. I asked my cousin to dinner one weekend and she turned me down because "I have to go to my mom's on Saturday night, we all do." OK, I said, next Saturday. "No, you don't get it." She told me "we all have to be there every Saturday night." These are all people in thier late 30s and 40s. Talk about Boundry Issues.
My wife and i who live in the same house as my mother in law have a rule. No one keeps our child unleess there is no other option. We made this baby and well damn it we are going to be the ones who primarily care for it as much as we possibly can. I' just started my secound job last week so my wife could spend more time as the primarry caregiver during the day at the same time raising our income to one that will let us buy a house. One of the biggest joys of having a family is that you with you partner get to make all of the major decisions. I wouldn't want to surrender that to anyone like an over bearing parent with deep pockets for anything.
i refuse to allow any of the grandparents to have unsupervised visits with my kid. they're all abusive whackjobs and i dont trust any of them unless i can see them, and even then...well, let's just say i have to be paying attention all the time. if we had nurturing relatives with similar beliefs on how children should be treated, i think it would be wonderful to be able to rely on extended family for some respite/support. our society has things really twisted around. i dont think that children are meant to be raised in this weird little nuclear family bubble. look at other cultures where multi-generational families live together. i tell ya, i'd LOVE to have other women around to share some of the ah, joys of raising a child. we have a lot of east indian families in our neighbourhood where they have several generations of family living in the same home, and i am SO envious of the familiy support that those mothers have. and i think that the children are probably better off having more people to love them and care for them. that said, my sis dumped her 3 yr old and 18 month old off at my mom's house and left them there for 3 months. i still cant wrap my head around how those kids must have felt, and i cant begin to fathom how messed up my sis is to have been able to do that.
Lol Mags, was i that obvious? I do see how some grandparents can offer to help, and then add a "catch" to the deal, like "i do this for you, so you owe me..." But the way i see it, the "kids" DO owe their parents, and much more than just spending the weekends with them. I don't see how they get off complaining that they aren't being taken seriously; duh. That's like being in debt, and still spending $100s at the mall every weekend. And nihm, that does sound like a wonderful way to raise a family...but i'm sure there is plenty of give-and-take there too; whatever breaks the mom gets will surely be repaid when her sisters-in-law, or whoever, have children after her, and i think there is something special about getting a break from diapers between raising your own kids, and visits from the grandkids, lol.
I think the boundary issues that arise when grandparents help out with the kids are entirely based on an individual's family situation, and cannot be defined by specific "rules." For some families, it seems like it's OK when the grandparents watch the kid for a night or two, so that the parents (however old or young they are) can have a night to themselves, but for other families, even one night off, every once in a while, can turn into a horrific, controlling situation, in which no one is happy. I believe this on my own experience with my family and my husband's family: Although my parents freaked out when I told them that my then-boyfriend and I were going to have a baby (I was barely 19 at the time, and a full-time university student), they were eventually very supportive, once they got used to the idea. My family is committed to supporting me financially through college, and the advent of my son has only strengthened their committment. I am incredibly grateful for this, because I think that my life (and my family's life) will be greatly improved by my getting an education. My family does not begrudge me this support; neither do they use it as a means of controlling my behavior. Actually, my parents are incredibly respectful of my boundaries, and have been since the day I turned 18, when they relinquished control over my life, because they recognized that I was an adult. I am incredibly grateful for this, also, because I see how controlling the parents of my peers are, and it makes me feel both blessed and sad--the former because my parents are so cool, and the latter because others' parents are not. In terms of helping me raise my son, my parents are as helpful as they can be, although they still respect my boundaries. They are delighted to be grandparents, and are overjoyed every time they get to see my family (they live on the other side of the country). Although they fly out here for a few days at a time every month or so, my visits to them are generally a week long, because of the difficulty and exhaustion of taking a baby on the plane (and also because I enjoy the visit, and need a break... ) While I am at their house, my parents encourage me to go out and do things with old friends--they even give me money (unsolicited) so I can go out to dinner, or a museum, or a movie. They let me go back to sleep in the morning, after they wake up, so that I can catch up on my rest. This is so wonderful to me, because I don't get to sleep in at home--my husband has a back injury, and can't lift our son out of his crib, or do much of anything until about an hour after he wakes up, when his medicine starts to kick in. Even though my parents have three children, and know how to take care of a baby/toddler, they still ask me what foods I feed Max, and what he's allowed to play with, and if it's OK if he watches TV (absolutely not at 17 months!!!). They respect the fact that he's my son, and respect the fact that I am the one who has the say in how to raise him. If they do something without asking because I'm away, they check to make sure it's OK with me before they do it again. Before I go out, or leave Max with them for any period of time (even if it's just five minutes to run upstairs), I ask them if it's OK with them to watch him. Our relationship is founded on mutual respect, and I think it's great for Max to have cool grandparents to spoil him rotton upon occasion. It's also great for me to get a break, and it's great for my parents to develop a good relationship with their grandson. They keep telling me how much they love having us visit, and I tell them much the same thing--and we both mean it. My son has improved my relationship with my family tenfold, because I now understand how much I mean to my parents, and I am now grateful for everything they have ever done for me--and I'm now mature enough to hang out with them, and just enjoy being around them. My husband's mother, on the other hand (and I know this is getting long, but it's therepeutic for me to talk about this stuff), is the epitome a controlling, verbally abusive parent. She is an alcoholic, on her fourth marriage (which, ironically enough, happened only two months prior to my marriage to her son!), and thinks that my husband is incapable of doing anything right. She tells him that he's a horrible father and a horrible husband, and tries to get me to take her side (can you believe it!) against my husband, who I see as a wonderful father, and a wonderful husband, in spite of his injury, which really prevents him from doing anything strenuous, including the bulk of childcare/household chores. He helps as much as he can, and provides positive support whenever it is needed--and often when it isn't. But his mother...*shudder* She came down to visit us when Max was about a year old, the first time she had visited since his birth (she lives 2 hours away, and only works part-time). It was my finals week, Russ was in horrible pain all the time (he hadn't yet seen the back doctor, because Worker's Comp. took so f***ing long to admit that, yes, he was injured at work!) Max hadn't started daycare yet, and our roommate was hardly a neat freak...needless to say, our house was a little messy. Not CPS-would-take-the-kid-away messy, but definitely not up to Martha Stewart's standards. So his mom threw a fit because there were dishes in the sink, and toys on the unvacuumed living room floor. She told Russ that he was useless, and insinuated that we were incapable of raising a child (this from a woman who gives babies plastic Saltine wrappers as toys, then doesn't watch them, and refuses to be embarrassed when I grab the wrapper away as Max puts it to his mouth). She offered to drive down every weekend, and take Max to her house for a night or two (presumably to "save" him, or something like that!), which I was able to politely decline on the premise that he was not yet weaned. She told me that I should pretend to walk out on Russ, believing that such childish behavior would manipulate him into helping me more...I'm telling you, this woman is insane! We don't visit her anymore because she makes Russ so miserable every time we see her, and he doesn't think she's a positive influence on Max's life. Last time we saw her, she grabbed him out of my arms at a very loud party, full of strangers, and, when he started to cry (because he barely knows her), she told him that his cries "weren't real." My maternal instinct was to snatch him back and knock her to the ground, but all I could do was wait and hope that she'd eventually give him back. It made my heart break...there was nothing I could do within the boundaries of "company manners" to take him back, and I didn't want to cause a scene. Fortunately, she gave him back quickly, when it became apparent that he didn't want to sit on her lap. Basically, Russ's mother has offered nothing but criticism during the entirety of Russ's (and max's) life; we don't take "help" from her because she's a b****, and she doesn't offer it with good intentions. My parents, on the other hand, are delightful and respectful, so we take all the help they offer, because they offer it with kindness, and with no strings attached. So I think it really depends on the family. I know that if my parents didn't help us, we'd be a lot less happy. I will be overjoyed on the day that I no longer require their financial support, but, even on that day, I will still be happy if they offer to watch Max for a night or two or three. (Actually, they've been trying to get me to agree that it's OK for them to take him for a week at age 2, so that Russ and I can go on vacation. I think they should wait until he's 5, because as much as he loves them, he still needs his mama and dad, but we'll see...) so that's my long-winded explanation of how family help does not have to be controlling, although I agree that it should be avoided if it is...
Those people drive me crazy!! My husband and I barely scrape by and are on food stamps to avoid depending on our families. My idea of going out is being able to take the kids to a restaurant!! i actually help my mom out with my 3 yr old sister more than she babysits for me...which is never
Well, I guess I should reply since a post of mine (What to do about family) sparked this. lol! To tell you the truth I didn't quite know what maggie sugar was talking about when she was telling me about boundry issues, until I saw it first hand last night. I saw my fiance's stepsister just give up control and let her mother take care of her baby. If someone had walked in there and seen the interactions they might have thought the grandmother was the mother of the baby. And I don't know the complete situation, but it looks like they leave that baby to grandma at least weekly, if not more often. There were tons of baby toys all over that house and a "What to expect when you're expecting" book in the grandmother's bathroom! I think its awful. I certainly do not plan on dumping my future children off on any of my relatives. For one thing I don't trust the people in my family enough to do things the way I'd want them done. Many people in my family are very conservative and cold with how they handle children. And if they're not that way then their irresponsible, immature, or untrustworthy. The only person I might consider letting my children have unsupervised visits with is my father. But he's so busy with work it wouldn't be an option. I don't trust my mother to have unsupervised visits. And besides all of that...my parents are still raising children! I'm the oldest and my parents had me when they were 18. I have halfsiblings who are 16, 15, 14, & 9. My parents are busy enough with all of them! I certainly don't expect them to raise my children too! But I can see how many young people around my age would fall into that trap. Most people my age are still partying. Luckily I've already gotten that out of my system and I just have no desire to do that anymore. And this may sound arrogant, but I have always been more mature than most people my age. People have been telling me that my whole life. I look around me and am appalled by the low level of maturity in others my age. Most people my age aren't ready for children and I can see that. I guess that's why my other post sparked what it did because I am 22...and I know if I read a similar post from someone else who was 22 I might think the same thing. But I'm not your typical 22 year old. I'm not your typical anything. lol! OK...I guess I've defended myself enough now. lol!
I do understand what you are talking about and I think we are seeing this become more common in our society. Grandparents raising their grandchildren. I think this has always happened in societies, but more in an extended family stepping up to embrace the children when the parents couldn't. The trend today seems to be parents that just won't take responsibility for their own, or Grandparents that want to take over. There are many exceptions that don't seem to get noticed and so all young parents get stereo-typed as irresponsible. I use to have people all the time assume that I was "raising" my daughter's children, simply because she and her husband are young parents. We did help them out by letting them live with us for a short time until they could get on their feet, but even then I never babysat thier baby. She kept the baby with her all the time, just as I always did with my babies. She is a supurb mother, and I see my grandchildren a lot, because she comes over with them. She does babysit my 2 youngest children on occasion for me, but no one thinks she is "raising" my kids. I guess I just hope that people will give other's a chance and not assume that they are irresponsible simply because of their age. After all many of the examples give here are of parents in their 30's and 40's. Irresponsibility is not measured in age.
