I just wrote this as pure passion - here read it as it flowed - its a stream of consciousness thing - I just typed it and never arranged or rearranged - I just let it flow because I am so used to ecstacy that I know what its like When I just reread it - it didnt seem to say as much as I thought it was saying. always the way huh? The party was absolutely banging! the pills were flying and we felt like masters of cool. 70 people jam packed into a 2 bedroom flat in London. A couple of paid DJ's from the Ministry of sound kept piling on the beat after beat after beat of impossible sound that just got better and better more twisted intense and low to the floor of the absolute sacred bleeding heart of love,cool sex and fucking drugs and boy oh boy we couldnt get enough and just when you thought it couldnt get any better 60 of the 70 people were dancing eyes closed to the beat and suddenly I was in that magic moment, ecstacy always delivers, the bit that I had been waiting for. I no longer heard the sound I was dancing to I no longer felt like I was dancing or listening, but I was doing those things on one level but at another level - pure silence -its always an out of body experience but in the body. A disattachment of the brain from the body and that perfect moment of clarity where I dont speak but my brain thinks and I move and dance and the world sees me a dancing man listening to the music but no - I am feeling the music and everything is silent in my brain but outside of that I KNOW the music is loud but cant hear it I KNOW I'm dancing but cant feel it - I'm thinking to myself to say something to myself and I say to myself - "so what were you thinking? you know its ok to feel like this - its perfect isnt it? this is beautiful isnt it? I answer myself yeah - hey listen listen I need to tell you something. I need to say look you feel guilt and anxiety and all that tension sometimes but everyone does - nobodies perfect. we are all human. forgive them forgive yourself - it doesnt matter life will go on meanwhile remember this - whatever you have done and whatever you do dont repeat your mistakes and put love and compassion and thought and reason into it before you act out of greed and selfishness or through some element of the past you cant forgive. -" and then bang bang bang bang and the music is back and I can feel my arms and legs moving and by god I can remember so clearly what I said to myself and I feel so great I cry not sobbing crying but I feel so fuckin good that tears begin to fall down my face because I know I said what I wish I could always think - I know that was the real me talking and after all - I'm not a bad man am I - I have feelings and thoughts and I want to express them and that was me saying to me "dont get hung up" and I am laughing and crying at the same time- I know that usually I do get "hung up " and I hate it - so the tears fall because I cant help but to get hung up sometimes but what I said to myself is so beautiful I cant help but let tears roll and my friend looks over and says "hey bud - whats up" and he laughs and says "yeah these ones are that fucking good arent they?" and then I suddenly relax even deeper and dont think and dont get clarity of vocal thought but clarity of concept. This time I dont separate the mind from the music I hear the music but the mind is full of conceptual ideas in visual form I see the music and its silver shards of cutting stars and golden curves of fractalised light - i see the strobe flick on and for few seconds see the entire majesty of patternated light across the spectrum and all its metal colours too I dont know what the time is but I never dreamt the sun would ever rise again I forgot the sunlight existed. and I am shocked that daylight is behind the curtains I cant resist and go outside - I revel in the beauty of a spider web and hold a snail by its shell and move it off the wall and into a leafy place more suitable to its existence. then I see another creature a fox in the garden and I softly whisper - "hey mr fox dont be afraid - were all human including you" and he looks and seems to nod appreciation and looks and then disappears over a fence oh wow thats how fucked I am I can see subtle yellow and pink all over the place and slight shades of blue. My friends follow me out and normally we are not touchy feely people but we are so loved up we stand in a line admiring the nature of our garden and our arms are resting on each others shoulders - we laugh as we know what we are all thinking and it only makes it funnier when just at the right moment - with perfect timing - steve says "I'm fucked " ! we all crease up laughing - "hey" I say "lets not chuck out" lets just keep this science going till tomorrow lets announce a 48 hr party" so we do and approval is met when we give a load of pills out free and wont charge anyone who is already at the party if they want more- another 350 in the bag and its one each and off we go again but before we come up on the latest one we dutifully go and buy more beer and wine. In the shop the newspapers have arrived - I think it was a football match we were near the Arsenal Ground and it may have been a cup final day - well anyway we bought the daily mirror to show everyone how the word "lesbianism" was written in a tiny headline on the page about a couple of strippers and how big their tits are. and we cracked up laughing all the way back there once again the real world proved it was much much more absurd than us people who had seen the real value of love and life and nature and the beauty of our own minds - we didnt need their pervy lesbian fantasy to stimulate our brains or bodies - what we had going on that pill was pure love and understanding. How absurd is the grey world compared to the colourful one ! When I do pills I am me and I know who I am and I am as beautiful of mind as you are. WE LOVE - WE ARE HUMAN and we are reasonable people on a pill I appreciate all life so much more - why cant it always be like this ? Why cant I feel so good all the while?
Very well done, indeed. Reading that made me want to do some ecstasy...it's been sooooooo long! It's the PERFECT drug.
thank you very much - I realise I have for once written the truth of something I feel and it really was a good description of what happens to me when I take a pill or two
