Ok, so here's my problem: My boyfriend and I have pretty much decided that we're going to start trying to conceive our first child. We feel more than ready to do so. The problem? Family. My mom's side of the family would be fine with it. I have already discussed it with my mom and she said that if we want it that bad then to go for it. Now, my other side of the family is totally different. I hinted at the idea to my paternal grandmother and got yelled at for the next 10 hours or so. And I know my father would not approve. And my boyfriend is worried about what his father will do. For one thing, we're 22 and those people seem to think that's too young to have children, even though they were all younger than that when having children and say they're glad they didn't wait. Also, my boyfriend is in college and they think we should wait until he's out. Also we wouldn't be married when we have this possible child. (We have reasons for waiting on marriage which I won't go into here, but marriage is something we really want to do! and we plan to get married in 2 years) So, for those reasons they wouldn't approve. But we feel ready and I know we'll be fine. I am able to be a stay at home mom. I have income, savings, and family members more than willing to help out if the need arrises. So, we'll be fine financialy. We're both very mature for our age and have been giving parenting great thought. We have a very healthy and loving relationship. And emotionally we ready. I really have baby fever bad! I know that if we try to wait 2 or more years like our families would like then I will have a horribly difficult time dealing with it emotionally. I'm feeling angry at my family for not letting me make my own decisions and not treating me like an adult. I've been on my own for 6 years now and I'm more than ready for the responsibility of raising a child. But they want me to stay a child. I don't know what to do. I don't want to anger them, but I don't want to be unhappy in doing things the way they want me to. I guess my main fear is that I want pregnancy and having a child to be a joyous time in my life, but if they are angry with me it will taint it. And my family is very important to me, so I try to keep good relationships with them. Any advice? Anyone go through the same thing?
If you want to be treated as an adult, DO NOT rely on your family for money or daycare!!!! If you are mature, as you say, you will have children when YOU are ready, NOT relying on other people in your family for advice OR for money. I have lots of clients who complain that their parents and inlaws do not treat them like mature adults, one thing they ALL have in common: They all rely on their parents or inlaws for money or free daycare. "Why does my mother always treat me like she is the mother of my children and I am not?" they ask me. Well, mostly because their mother is raising the children and/or supporting them financially. DON'T DO THIS. IF you are an adult (and I believe you when you say you are) then make your own decisions and FUND THEM ALONE! Let gramma and grandpa come and visit. Do not dump the baby on them for any lenght of time (IMO a "length of time means more than an hour or two a month!) or take more money than a birth or Christening or Bris present for them. Being independent and raising and supporting your own children is the BEST and fastest way to let your parents and inlaw realize YOU are an adult. Keep asking them for "help" and you will be treated like the helpless child who can't support or raise her own children. This is THE most important event in setting Boundries for yourself when you leave your parents house. You will never be considered and adult by them if you are letting them "help." You don't need "the adults" approval to have children, if you are no longer a child. Children ask mommy and daddy for money, adults do not. Just one question, if you are not married, do you have proper insurane coverage for a pregnancy and for infant care? I just ask because most of the time men get better coverage than womyn, and if you are''t married, often you can't be covered on his insurance. An other question: What will the baby be doing when your BF is finishing school? Daycare? Can you afford THAT? In my area average daycare for an infant starts at $75.00 a DAY! and goes up from there. (When we had our first baby, not only did I not want to dump my baby in daycare, we couldn't have afforded it, thank God.) Does your BF have a job in addition to his school?
Maggiesugar, Ok....slow down. I never said I was asking my parents for money. I take care of my 94 year old great grandmother as my job. And she is wealthy. My great grandmother pays me to take care of her and often gives me large bonuses. She has also told me in the past that if I need to be paid more to ask her, but since I'm fine financialy now I said, "Right now I'm fine, but in the future I may need a raise if I start a family." And she said that's fine. It will not hurt her in the least to give me a raise. That is what I meant by family members being willing to help. It is not a hand out, it is my job. And I'm set to inherit anyways, so it is like receiving a bit of me inheritance early. And as for childcare, I am home so I do not need daycare. My great grandmother is very healthy and doesn't need much care. I am mainly here to keep her company and keep the house in order. I have tons of free time. And my mother lives a few blocks away and spends a lot of time here with me and my grandmother and wants to be here to watch a baby while I cook dinner and such. I have no intention of dumping my children off on their grandparents, trust me. If my mom weren't around I would be fine with that. My father lives in another state and I would not ask my grandmother (the one whos raising hell about this) to watch a baby. As for my boyfriend's father...I wouldn't expect him to watch a baby either and I don't need or want help from his family. The people who are having a problem with this would not be asked for any help. And the people who are fine with it want to help whether I need it or not. That's how my mom's side of the family is...we are sort of communual I guess you could say. I think my dad's side of the family is acting this way because they do not see my daily life and do not know the details of my financial situation. Unfortunatly, my dad isn't around to even find out how mature I am. That is one reason I am about to go visit him...to hopefully give him a chance to see that I am no longer a child. And yes, I have health insurance. My boyfriend does have a job that pays for his car, etc. He has a scholarship that pays for school, so he has no sutdent loan debts. And I have no debts. We also do not have the issue of needing to buy a home. I live in a nice 4/2 house now and while my name is not on the deed, it is my house and I will inherit it. Trust me...we'll be fine financialy. What I really want advice on is how to deal with my family's anger about this. I care about them and my relationships with them and so that's why I am concerned. See...after my parents divorced my dad remarried to a woman who my paternal grandparents hated. And that created a rift that is just now beginning to be repaired after 20 years. And I am the one trying to help my father and grandmother have a relationship now after fueding all these years. My mom taught me that blood is thicker than water, so I do care about keeping good relationships with my family members. I am not asking for advice on whether or not I should have a child, I know we will before too long. I want to know how to deal with my family and make the transition easier on them. I don't want to end up like my father and his parents who barely talked for 20 years.
You know what I just realized? If my family wants to raise hell and fight with me then I don't have to participate. And if they miss out on spending time with their grandchildren because of it then it will be their loss. If they start treating me badly then I will just leave or hang up the phone and will continue to do so until they treat me like a human being. So...yeah. That's my decision.
What you just said above is very sensible. If you are a mature adult, you need no one's approval to do adult things like have a child. This is your and your BF's decision. You owe no one who gives you a hard time any explainations. I have never inherited anything, so I don't know how that works in terms of being beholden to your family, or if it is totally without strings. I guess you wouldn't be, unless the inheritance is situational. I counsel parents all the time, and the best and only way to show you are an adult (especially when it comes to raising your own kids) is to be totally independent. I didn't mean to jump on you, but one of the biggest problems I see with young parents is not being able to set BOUNDRIES with their families. And that is only caused by taking money and childcare from the said family. Setting boundries should start before you even get pregnant, and should continue throughout the child's life. I just wouldn't want to see you fall into the codependency-treated like a child trap I see so many young parents fall into. I guess the "my family will help out if I need them to" kind of raised a red flag because I hear this all the time with boundry deficient new parents. I hope you will be able to work this out well. Just a word of experienced advice (I have four kids) you may have plenty of "spare time" now. If you have a baby, you will have none. It is virtually impossible to care for an infant an an elderly person at the same time. Babies take up ALL your time (spare or otherwise) and then more. Babies can't wait for what they need, and their needs cannot be predicted or scheduled.
Maggiesugar, First of all...Thank you for even replying to my post and giving me your 2 cents. Often long drawn out posts like this get ignored. Well I guess you could say that I'm not totally independant from my family because my job is taking care of my great grandmother. But someone has to live here with her. My mother does help with her care and is payed for it too. She drives her to her doctors and hair appointments. It is really a joint effort to take care of her so that both of us have the time to live our lives. My mother has her own home and my 15 yo brother to raise. And she knows that I need to live my own life, so we share the work. My job is mainly: just be here with her so she's not alone, clean the house, and cook dinner. And those are things I would need to do with or without a baby. The house still has to be cleaned and dinner still has to be made no matter what. And it certainly would be easier to have a baby when I don't have the responsibility of taking care of my great grandma. But that is a job that I cannot leave if I feel like it. She only has my mother and I to help her. My brother is 15 and becoming more mature and responsible every day and beginning to help us too. He told me he'd start mowing the yard for me. But it is a job that has to be done and we are the people who have to do it. So, as long as my great grandmother is alive I have to live here and help her. I guess I could abandon this and leave it to my mother if I were selfish, but I could never do that. I love my family and feel that families should help each other. But that does leave me in a tough situation: I have this responsibillity as long as my great grandmother lives. She is 94 now and in very good health. The only thing wrong with her is her eyesight. Her mother lived to be 99 and was in good health until very near the end. Her grandparents lived to be in their 90s too and in their generation that was rare. She's got those longevity genes I guess. And I know that she could easily live to be over 100. So, that means I'll be living here and helping her during my 20s. I don't want to postpone my life and my dreams because my great grandmother is alive. I don't want to feel like I'm waiting for her to die to live my life. So, I'm not going to. I know it will be hard, but I think it would be harder to try to forget about my dreams. And that is why my mother will help; because she doesn't want me to have to postpone my life because we have someone to take care of. So, I do not see it as an independance issue. It is an issue where we have this weird situation of having an elderly woman to care for and there's only a few descendants to do the job. So, instead of leaving it on any one person's shoulders, my mother and I are doing it together so we can both still live a full life. And trust me...I know how much work a baby requires. I have 4 younger siblings. And a few years ago my friend had some mental issues and left her 6 month old baby for me to watch for a few days. Well, she ended up not coming back for over 3 weeks. And she had only left supplies for a few days and left no carrier or bed for him. so, I had to quickly figure out how to care for him and I did just fine. I also spent a lot of time with him when he was a newborn. I know its work and I've already learned a lot about caring for babies. And I know I have a lot more to learn...I don't pretend to know it all. What kind of counselor are you?
I am a Lactation Consultant and have also worked in homes as a post partum doula. I also teach parenting classes. And BOUNDRIES with their parents is one of the most frequently encountered problems in mamas and daddys. It causes more friction and problems than any other problem I have seen. Young parents have a hard time turning down "help" and money, and yet still want to be considered "independent." It a hard balance. That's not what I meant, just that when you bring a child into the world, that baby's needs take priority over everything else, including other family members. You may be able to manage both, it really depends on what your baby is like. A fussy, colicky baby will make doing ANYTHING else an impossibility. (Beleive me, I've had colickly babies, there is no time for even taking a pee, or sleep, forget making dinner or anything else. At least for the first four months or so. I did years of childcare, had a degree in Psychology and Child Development and had been a summer nanny, before I had my first baby, and I was NOT prepared for the amount of work and time the baby needed.) If you have a more laid back baby, you may manage it, but you don't get to pick your baby's temperment. I hope you can manage it. If, heaven forbid, your grandma leaves this world and you are without a job, will you still have a decent income, or will your BF? You can't perfect everything before you have children, of course, but at least you need to know how you will pay your rent, or mortgage, put food on the table and pay for diapers ect.
Maggiesugar, Yes, if my great grandmother passes away I will receive an inheritance. I also have other inheritances coming my way. I'm set. And my boyfriend will be getting a job as a teacher in about 2 years. We'll be fine financialy now, we'll be fine if something happens to my grandmother, and we'll be fine in the future. I've always wanted to be able to stay home when I have young children, then maybe work for the pleasure of it when my children are older. That is what my stepmother did and it worked very well for her. She had her first when she was my age and her last at 31 or so. Now she's in her early 40s and is going to become a real estate appraisor because she'd enjoy it. She's happy and she's doing a wonderful job of raising my halfsiblings. So, I hope to do the same as her. And I'm lucky enough to have these inheritances coming to me so I can do that. I'm not going to be super rich, but I'll be able to stay at home and focus on my kids and that's what I want. Those sound like very interesting and enjoyable jobs you have. I'm sure you have a lot of wisdom to give to other mothers. I keep noticing your signature and keep hearing about attachment parenting, but I don't really know what its about. Maybe you could point me in the right direction? I really want to raise my children in a warm, natural, and loving way.
Attachment Parenting is nothing new. Parents have been parenting this way for thousands of years. The only time it ended was when the rich started hiring wet nurses, and then during the Victorian Age, people (particularly in Germanic areas) started worrying about "spoiling." AP simply is the idea and practice that one brings a baby into the world in order to take care of the child. Not to make thing "convenient" (there is nothing convenient about babies, and no health way to make it so) or to pawn the careo of the child on to someone else, or to use artificial means of feeding and tending, when your body as a mother is able to do it the way Nature intended. Your desire to stay home is a good beginning. AP is nothing more than what my sig says. Babies and children are HUMAN, and should be treated as such, not as something to "train" but something to listen to, and care for and love, unconditionally. Some good AP books to look at. (I advise people keep an open mind, forget the outdated concepts of "spoiling" and "getting away" from the baby and focus ON the baby.) Attatchment Parenting by Katie Allison Granju (best primer for learning AP.) The Baby Book William and Martha Sears (husband and wife, doctor and nurse tream and parents to eight breastfed children, including the adopted baby. They KNOW babies more than anyone else on the parenting book market.) Anything else from William and Martha Sears. They have written over a dozen parenting books. The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding THE book about breastfeeding. And although AP can occur when breastfeeding is impossible (a pretty rare thing for breastfeeding to be actually impossible) the things that make AP work also make breastfeeding work. WABF uses science and personal accounts of how to make a good breast feeding family work. Some people are "offended" by this book, as feeling it is "pushy" it isn't. It just doesn't blindly accept most excuses for not breastfeeding by GENTLY explaining how breastfeeding (and thus attaching to your baby) can be done, even in the most extreme situtations. Contacting a LLL group near you is an almost guarentee that you will be able to breastfeed and attach properly. In a recent study, more than 98% of womyn who attended LLL meetings and agreed with the concepts and put them into practice were successful at breastfeeding. The percentage of womyn who do not use the concepts is horrendously lower. Closer to 50% in some areas and close to 20% in others. The info in WAB WORKS. The Happiest Baby on the Block (I can't remember the author at the moment.) Written by a pediatrician who saw too many cases of failed breastfeeding, failed attachment and fussy babies, he worked on what mothers who were successful DID. Good stuff. Stuff to STAYAWAY FROM (horrible parenting books) On Becoming Babywise Gary Ezzo Third Reich Style parenting. Ezzo has NO qualifications in parenting. His main issue is that babies "manipulate" parents, and that God doesn't want to you do that. (this book is adapted from the "Christian" book "Preparation for Parenthood.) He advises ignoring baby's crying, scheduling feedings at LONG intervals, and not "spoiling" your child as it isn't "fair" to your husband if your attention is on the baby too much. He advises hitting children as young as 6 months. Need I say more? Babies have died, and MANY have dehydrated and had to be treated for Failure to Thrive due to his "teachings." HORRIBLE things, none of it based on ANYTHING we know about infant nutrition, development or learning. The Baby Whisperer Tracey Hogg This womyn abandoned her own children in England to come to the USA and be a nanny for rich Hollywood people. She has no training in infant care, and is also too concerned with "spoiling." She claims to have a "system" to make caring for babies "EASY." NO SUCH THING EXSISTS. If you do babies right, it isn't EASY. Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems Ferber This man, also, is overly concerned with parents "getting enough sleep" and is obsessed with "baby training." He has yet an other "system" to make parenting easy. Bullocks. It is basically a timed approach to letting a baby cry until they are exhausted and evetually learn that NO ONE cares about them. ALL these authors have this concept in mind. What to Expect books. Yuck, Outdated Freudian garbage. WHY these books are so popular is a mystery to me. The womyn who wrote them, again, have NO training or experince in Infant Development or Lactation. One was a Labor and Delivery Nurse, but that has nothing to do with raising babies. Take Sears if you want GOOD pregnancy and baby care books. There are some good AP websites. I know Dr. Sears has one. I don't usually frequent any now, as I am busy with my kids and my business and this site, but some of the other mamas here may be able to find them for you. I am glad you are interested in AP, and caring for your own babies. Go ahead and HAVE that baby. I think you will do well! Blessings.
Maggiesugar, Thank you so much for that information. I really appreciate the book recommendations because there are so many out there to choose from, it seemed overwhelming to pick one! My mom picked up a book for me called Pregnancy and Childbirth by Tracie Hotchner and its awful. The section about pregnancy makes it sound like your man will cheat on you if you're pregnant because you're not as attractive. I mean it actually says that men who are with pregnant women often cheat! And the section on raising a baby makes it sound like babies are devils sent to torment you and you should do your best to keep them quiet so you can do other things. Its really awful! I just have to tell you that I completely understand what you were saying about young parents with no bounderies with their own parents. Last night I had a perfect example shown to me. I spent time with my fiance's family and his stepmother (we'll call her Ashley), stepsister (Mary), and her baby (Mike). I heard Mary ask Ashley for money and she readily gave it to her. And then every time Mike would fuss or start to get into something Mary would just sit there while Ashley got up to tend to him. At one point Mike was crying a lot and Ashley was trying to bottle feed him, Mary tried to take him from her but Ashley actually pushed her aside and took the baby to another room! It was a perfect example of what you were talking about! I have never seen anything like that before! I know that my own parents won't be like that. My mother and I have a sort of strange relationship because she's been ill since I was 13 and I've had to take care of her. So, she hasn't treated me like a child since then, it is almost like I'm the parent in that relationship. And its hard to describe my relationship with my father and stepmother, but I know they respect me enough to not treat me like Ashley treats Mary. I can see that I won't have that problem with my family. And as for my soon to be stepmother-in-law...there is no way I would let her do that to me when I have a baby. I want my children to be raised by my fiance and I, not by anyone else. And I do want to breastfeed; that is something I have always thought was better. My mother said that she couldn't breastfeed me and I had to drink soy formula, but she couldn't remember why. Do you know why that would happen or if it can be prevented? I am also interested in natural child birth and I really don't like the idea of giving birth in a hospital. But my mother said she really doesn't think that's a good idea because she had an emergency c-section with me because of fetal distress. The doctor told her that if he hadn't done a c-section I would have had brain damage. My mother also had a c-section with my brother. We are very small-framed women, though my mother is smaller than me and she thinks that's why she couldn't give birth normally. But I wasn't a large baby, only 6 lbs. And now that she said that I am feeling concerned about that. My fiance is a very tall man and I saw his baby pictures last night...he was a large baby. So, now I'm feeling concerned that I may have a large baby and have to have a c-section. This is one subject I really don't know much about. do you know anything about this? I read somewhere that if the mother is small then the baby will be the right size in comparison, but I figured that size was decided by genes. I guess birth is the subject I know the least about because I've only had the chance to talk to a few women about it.
