Trying to accept myself and feel good for who I am

Lately It's been really difficult for me, emotionally hard you know and it gets into my physical life, my body and just how good I feel. So, I like to dress up like a girl. Somehow a lot of people found out about this, some of my friends and some other people. Some of them think it's weird and some of them think it's funny. I don't know how they found out. I feel really bad lately, though. Like nothing is working for me anymore, my life is just a waste of time now. I'm really turned on when I get to wear a dress or anything. It's something I almost never get to do, like a few times in my whole life, only when I'm really really lucky. This is a part of myself I struggled with for a long time. I'm beginning to want to be able to do the things, sexually, that girls get to do. It's something about me that I'm having a really tough time working into my life, and so far I have had no success in getting others to accept this part of me into their lives. I don't want to change who I am, like get a sex change or something, I really just want to be able to fulfill these desires I have. I want others to accept me and let me do this. They're more like fantasies, they make me feel all woozy in the stomach like very few things ever have. I might even be in love with a man, I don't know !! and I'm not sure that I'll ever get to see him again. I'm still (quite) young but I have to resolve this somehow. I feel that I'm suffering because of how repressed this has been. I don't feel that I should really care what people think of it, but I'm always worried about whether people will like me and be nice to be. I just want to be able to sleep in a nightgown and in the morning get dressed in something comfortable, you know? But I have work to do and tons of stupid people to deal with, it's literally been killing me. It's driving me insane !! would should I do? Help, anyone ?? !!

 

If you'd like to find others who are gay there's a gay section in the forums too. People here are very welcoming and friendly, if you want to ask for advice or post about anything.

Do you also know of any LGBT (lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender etc) groups out there? They exist. You don't have to slot yourself in any label but I find the people here are extra sensitive to gender issues and desires, and to me, that's what counts the most. They're usually also very open and warm.

Repression hurts. Since you're quite young, you may not have ^ accessible to you? Then again, I'm not sure how young you mean. Try to do some reading on your own time. When I was dealing with my sexuality, I read, checked out movies I could relate to, and just tried to surround myself with people who I thought would understand. I hope this helps.

 

Hey thanks for replying. I'm not gay yet, but I think I would really like to be if I could be with this man. I tried posting some stuff there, and in the transgender forum but for some reason my stuff got deleted. Probably because I mentioned how obscenely good I look in drag and someone got jealous. Seriously, I look so hot.

I don't know. If I never get to be with him then I will just stay straight. No one else is worth it to me. I don't think I can love myself dressed as a boy though. It might sound weird, but it's true.

 

Well, if you posted something like that and you have only posted maybe once or twice before there's a chance you might have come across as a troll.

I can tell you with a statement like this "I'm not gay yet, but I think I would really like to be if I could be with this man." you may even get a flame or two in the gay forum.

 

Yeah. Well I consider myself pretty much vindicated on my views towards homosexuality, having suffered through a lot of bullshit regarding it when I was in high school. So that's why I don't care what other people think. Believe me, I've been around the block with the whole issue. I don't know about any troll, but yes I'm pretty full of myself these days. That's me! Take what you will from it.
More about it though if you are interested. I'm 22 and he must be at least 30 years older than me. I'm really petite and I've been told at least once that I look like a girl from the back when I'm naked. My favorite thing I ever wore was a white strapless dress, like cotton it was, blonde wig and flip-flops down Speedway Blvd. I walked like 4 miles in those things and afterwards I had the worst blisters. It took me like 2 1/2 hours to put on my makeup. It was sort of fun but I didn't get to fuck anyone except myself.
I keep imagining myself living in his house, just trying to look pretty for him and be sweet for him, I think I would be really good for him. Sitting on the floor when his friends come over, maybe getting to wear jewelry if I'm really really good. Giving him head. Oh wow. Maybe getting to sleep in his bed if it gets that far. Bringing him dinner after a long day, you know, like a good housewife. But then after it's over going home and fucking my ex-fiance until the cows come home. I'm freaky and sick, I know. It's just who I am.

 

You're not freaky and sick! You're expressing and playing with your sexuality. I agree with the poster who suggested finding some transgender / gay etc groups. Maybe you can make friends there who can understand what you're feeling and being more than others might. I mean groups in real life, by the way...not just on the internet.

There's nothing wrong with you. You are who you are, and that's okay
Is your older friend sexually inclined towards males at all?

 

Thank you for replying. I don't know for sure that my friend has ever been sexually inclined towards males, but I can tell from the way he looks out for me more than he does for anyone else that he thinks I am special. I think he needs me. I know that I need him, but I could never go up and ask him, especially not with my jeans on. It's getting to the point where I'm really unhappy without him. I might be just getting set up for danger, because if I never get to be with him I am going to get hurt. I can tell that, but I don't care, I want to be able to love him.