My first poem

I've read poems on here and was inspired to write my own so here it is, homest crits please im sure its not to good as this is my first crit for crit

edit: made some changes

Nature lives like you and I

Because of greed its gonna die

So much beauty and harmony

Living with it, the way to be

I envy tribes and the way they live

A spiritual bliss only nature could give

We chop it down for fur and wood

But those who don’t have understood

That natures precious and we should give her love

She blesses is us with breath and water from above

 

Awh, wow thats real good! Can tell it comes from the heart. =)

 

Aw thanks man xx you wrote any you want me to have a look at?

 

Naw I haven't.... well... I have, but I haven't posted them on here.... maybe I will.... one day...

 

hehe x

 

That's really nice. Simple, smooth, flowing. just wonderful.

 

I will re-write it sometime as i can see things that can be improoved anyone like to point any out?

 

Not really, I like it the way it is.

 

dam you hippies being so nice

 

Haaaaaaaa, okay... The last line is a bit long, in essence, compared to the flow of the rest of the poem. I don't think it really hurts the feel in any way, it just could be a tad bit shorter.

 

agreed

not that it matters one way or the other, but i keep reading the line "a spiritual bliss only nature can give" as "a spirit of bliss only nature could give"

as mentioned, there's nothing wrong with how you put it, i just keep reading it that way

 

^ Yea, I did too, actually.

 

okay man, now you're startin' to freak me out :tongue:


GET OUTTA MY BRAIN!!!!


:tongue:

 

Hahahaha

 

^^i totally agree with you guys

it's good though, especially for your first

 

it's very good, but if you want us to point out things that you could improve on, there re a couple of words that should be changed either because they are unnecassary or in the wrong tense, and like droopy snoopy said, the last line's a bit long. i liked the flow though, and also the message.

 

yes yes thanks guys

 

you think could sounds better then can then?

 

very refreshingly written. no pretension.

 

You know the line 'because of greed its gonna die' you think it should be because of greed she will soon die?