How do you get respect from family members

I dont understand how love for a Mother can turn sour / I HAVE given my kids all the love that I can .But they only want there Father .

 

There is always a preference when it comes to choose between the mother and the father..some kids prefer their mother,like me and some others prefer their father but that doesn't mean that they don't like you..How many kids do you have??You must prefer one between them but that doesn't mean that you don't like the others..

 

Sometimes fathers have a way of trying new things, of being spontaneous and it certainly not until a long time afterwards that I started to appreciate my mother for all her paranoia and weird habits. I'm not saying all are like this. But sometimes, a mother's love can get pretty stifling (as can any parent's). We also take it forgranted.

 

I want to thank you girls for taking the time to answer my question . I want to tell you a little about myself .I am 61 yr old . I was married for 31 yrs to a soldier .The Army life changed him . He is now in Prison for Raping a 12 yr old girl And my girls believe every thing he tells them . To answer your question I have 4 children My youngest is36 and of cause have their own kids Girls too . But they goto visit every Sunday .I am lucky if I get a visit on Mothers Day . They do not believe any of the back history I can tell them . He brainwashed them years ago One girl in particular hasnot spoken to me for over 4 yrs Iworry that he might have molested her also . He does have a history of other youngsters over the yrs

 

respect, alas, must be earned, it can't just be given beyond the basic respect afforded to most every human.

People rarely want to hear horrible things about their parents, it probably seems to them like you're trying to turn them against him. Especially if you bring it up every time you talk to them... maybe reach out, try to reconnect with them, and not bring up this sort of thing for a while... if not years.

 

shit i am sorry to her of your situation... I do not know why they would do this other than they do not want to accpet the fact that thir father did this.

 

Why are they "on his side?" If he is in prison, you have more access to them.

Are there apologies that need to be made about parenting mistakes? When children stop talking to parents, it isn't because "someone turned them" it is because the parent who is being ignored didn't LISTEN when the child needed something.

I don't buy the "I did the best I could with what I had at the time." Excuse. If your children were able to be "turned" (which I think is very hard to do) then they must have been willing. I may well be on the wrong track here, (and forgive me, if I am) but. what happened that they wanted to and were able to turn on you? Did things happen that were ignored? You say "there were history of child abuse" What? Where were you when this was happening? I have four children, if anyone, including my dh ever harmed them, there would be Hell to pay. NO MAN is worth harm to my children.

How were your children disciplined when they were young? It is so easy to turn on a "spanker." Children never trust those who hit them.

A child who bonds and attaches in infancy is virturally unable to "turn" on the parents they bonded to. What happened during the bonding process? Were there absences of yours? Did someone else raise them at times? Were they left with a grandparent or freind for periods of time as young infants or young children? Were they fed in artifcial ways, and did people other than yourself feed them as infants? ALL these things negatively effect bonding and attachment. A well attached child will NOT turn on a parent. NO matter what someone else tells them.

Perhaps an intervention, with an apology, after you read some good books about bonding and attachment is in order.

It is in your hands. The past may not be able to be healed. But it is worth a try. STOP blaming your ex, and concentrate on your children. I think, maybe, the blaming was more a part of their early lives than attachment was, otherwise, WHY would this happen? Every person I know who asks "Why would my children do this to me?" have VERY good reasons, which are obvious to others, why. LOOK at the past, then ACT in the present.

A lesson to all young womyn. Choosing a partner who LIVES and FIGHTS for the War Machine is nearly always bound for sorrow. My girls know full well, that one NEVER dates a Military man, and if one feels something for one, one LEAVES right away. Someone, lke a "Soldier" who is trained in hatred and war, can never be a lover. The Military is a sick illness. I know of few relationships that survive with love and health if either partner beleives in the War Machine. Leave those soldiers be, girls. Especially if they are voluntariilly Military or make a "career" of the War Machine.(Years ago, often the draft was hard to avoid.) Families are about Peace. How can someone who ONLY knows fighting and war BE part of a family in a healthy way, unless they denouce ALL they learned in the Military? They will not do you, or your children any good.

That is all you can do.

 

I agreed with much of your post however this above ^ is not only biased, it is "brainwashing" youth just as much. I understand if you have very terrible experiences with those in the "War Machine". But there are exceptions. I had a hard time coming to terms witha few things myself.

Someone very close to me, my partner, was in the military. He was drafted and sent to Vietnam and was posted there for awhile. He did not become a monster, nor did he kill, nor has he turned into a patriotic killing machine. On the contrary, he's a gentle soul. When his draft was finished, he came back. He did not make the military his career. He lives by what he calls a warrior code but he won't kill a spider if his life depended on it.

Please don't stigmatize all soldiers. There is a lot of hatred, a lot of pain and a lot of war and bloodshed around. We can warn youth about how harmful the military can be as an institution, but I sincerely hope children are not raised to hate ...and inherit the hate of their parents.

 

I am very sorry to hear this. I think the best thing you can focus on now is yourself. I know it sounds ridiculous when your daughters are out there. Isn't it difficult to sleep at night? Though I'm offering this suggestion so that you may learn to love yourself first. It sounds like you've been grasping at something and it's continously slipping from your hands (your daughters' love and friendship). Sooner or later you'll get so tired running and running that it just doesn't matter anymore.

Take a small break, re-evaluate. Go through your options as a few other posters mentioned, and think of a way. It is not hopeless and it's not like it's illegal for you to contact your daughters. Don't be embarassed for being their mother. We need mothers and if it weren't for my own mother (or father) constantly nosing around or at least pay interest in my affairs, it HURTS.

Seriously. Sometimes daughters and sons push their parents away but when it comes down to it most want to feel like they're still in the thoughts and hearts of their parents. They need their nagging and yelling and phonecalls. Sure, it's annoying and you're thinking to yourself "this is what I moved to the other side of the country for" or "for christ's sake, I'm 30", but truly, honestly, we need to know our families care. So let your daughters know you're around, that you're interested. Don't hound them. I think you will be okay - only love yourself first and accept that there are some things you cannot change.

 

Good morning Hannah and Maggie Thank you for your Comment
I never left my children ever with anyone .And yes I was the one that did the chastising .My ex was rarely at home .Away on courses .Out with the boys whereever .Secondly Idid not say that he did molest my girls /I was very vigulant But I did say that their were other youngsters in instances .In one particular posting I found photos and took them and showed the Mother concerned .That meant another posting .We were in for 20 yrs and had around 17 moves .I did what I was told in those days .The Army hushed it all up No conviction ..Gotta go bye

 

I am not understanding, Dove. You partner abused children, but not yours? You also think, even though he abused children, that he was not a "monster?" If there was "no conviction" why is he in jail now? I am really confused.

I am sorry for your losses. But, there is so much here that is disconcerting.

I pray you can come to some peace with your children. I will light a candle for you and yours.

 

my father did some horrible things, though nowhere near that horrible. One thing I am so grateful to both of my parents is that neither of them ever said anything bad about the other, not before the split, nor during the two years of legal battles before the divorce, not afterwards.


Forget about their relationship with their father, it isn't about you. Don't mention it, ever, unless you can be encouraging and positive, which it sounds like you cannot. I know that I would have a very hard time in a relationship with anyone who ever said bad things about the man who gave me half of my genes. I am half him, after all. If you hate him, they probably feel that you hate them as well just because he is half of who they are.

If you want respect, you have to give it first. You have to own up to your actions and your mistakes and beg their forgiveness. You stayed with a man who you knew was molesting children, even after finding photographs?? There is no excuse for what that must have done to your children emotionally and psychologically.