i have been with and living with my boyfriend for most of a year and 7 months. we have had some major problems with sex for most of our relationship. he just doesnt want to have sex with me. recently, we had a discussion about it and he told me that i embarassed him and he lost all interest in sex. he said that when i commented about his premature ejaculation it really hurt his feelings and made him unable to enjoy sex. we have had very infrequent sex and he almost never orgasms. he told me today that he hasnt enjoyed sex in over a year and he seems pretty unwilling to work on it. i am so hurt. i love him more than anything, but the fact the he doesnt enjoy making love with me is almost too much to stand. i bought a book last week called "sexual healing" and it has exercises and whatnot to try to increase sexual desire, but he thinks its stupid. he wants to stay together and doesnt see why i think sex is so important. i have no idea what to do. sex is very important to me and i need him to be attracted to me and want to have sex with me. help me. please.
some people are just not intrested in sex, i guess. ive heard more of women not seeking sex, but a guy? not sure about this..
Sorry, but he's a lost cause and you had nothing to do with it! Unless you laughed at his premature shoot like a witch and hounded him about it for days; even then his basic feelings came from upbringing and past experiences. Love him all you want, more'n anything else - but you're still gonna feel worse and worse until you are as turned off by what's making you unhappy (sex!!!) as him. That'll really make for happiness. You can't help him unless he wants to help himself. Your future happiness is zilch. You made a bad choice and are living with the consequences - you want a lifetime of that? Do you a favor, you've been trying to do him one and he ain't interested. Get away - quick, before you do any more harm, sadness to yourself. He's never gonna help. Again, sorry - but the truth is always the best. Good luck with the next one.
I thing that you should try to get him feel good about himself. Remind him how sexy he is, how he turns you on... you know, things like that...
I disagree flatly with the first two posters, and agree with Marija. I don't think it has to do with asexual behaviour, nor should you run and drop everything immediately at the first verbal indication that there is a fuck up. It sounds like the poor guy has been stifling hurt feelings for a LONG time, and you have not noticed how hurtful your words or actions have been. However, it's his fault for not speaking up about it and it's likely you couldn't have read his mind. This is utterly unfair. If he's not sexing you or satisfying you, you may want to call it quits. You may explain to him that you're in this for the physical, the mental, the emotional, spiritual whatever, and he may say that sex doesn't matter now, but sooner or later he has to come to terms with the issues lying beneath the surface. My guess is that he's genuinely embarassed by some of his shortcummings (sorry), but there comes a point where you can't keep holding his hand and hoping that he'll grow a pair of sturdier balls and learn to deal with it himself. You can try to be more supportive and watch what you say since you now know he's sensitive about the topic, but you cannot force someone to be attracted to you if they simply are not. Sex is obviously an emotional thing for him too. My concern is that he has a lot of pent up anger and frustration with you, but is mentally telling himself to keep cool in an effort to look beyond the sexual. This lack of sexual attraction is only a symptom of something else, as I mentioned above. You both can try to work through it, or ditch each other and follow what the other poster said.
Check out my posts on seven or so ways to cure premature ejaculation. It's not hard, or rather it will be.
Look, none of us in here, probably including you know his full story: If it is what you said he is that he's embarased for having fast orgasm time, you and him should do more oral sex, and more "playing around"... I mean, there's plenty of guys who are fast when they just go on top and pump the girl. (im a little fast... something i gotta work on). One thing I notice, though is it generaly takes me WAY WAY longer to finish if she's on top... Try having i night where you get on top of him, and just take it really, really slow and relaxing. he won't cum quickly, and like i said... you could play around to delay orgasm.
Love can only take you so. You have to express that love as well. I couldn't personally live without the sex. It sounds like he is really insecure and I think it goes beyond just some comment you made. There has to be something else tied into this whole thing, do you think he could be seeing someone on the side?
Ok, will assume you are a girl, how old are you both ? we do not know! It is clear it hurted him when you said it, but later you say he has no orgasm !, you mean he gets errected or not? Anyhow if you really want to help him, think you should hide that sex book for now, because the more you talk the more you remind him. with some "non-continuous" talk about how you like him, how his touch does what ...etc from time to time, think he will forget that and co-operates. But still think those questions above are important to get the picture. Also did he have any sex before ?
Veglady, if sex is important to you in a relationship, then it matters. You are not wrong for feeling like you can't remain in a longterm relationship without sex. Sex is healthy, and if it matters to you, it matters! His self esteem may have gotten hurt, even though your comment was small. I also struggle in the area of lasting long enough. I'm not always a minute man, but I do struggle and have to put effort/planning into lasting. It has given me stage fright at times, or atleast slowed my erection. This can be very real. I believe that he has the wrong attitude concerning the fact that he won't make an effort to improve for you. I can understand depression, and a feeling of hopelessness, but a consistant refusal try for you is wrong. Aparently, you have done great by buying a book and communicating with him. Not every woman would have purchased a book and tried, and you did. If he doesn't change his mind, it may be best for you to move on.
