I'm not sure if this is the best place to post this but it does somewhat relate to parenting. My husband and I tried for 2 years to get pregnant with no success. We finally decided to stop trying after many raised, then shattered hopes, and too many tears to count. My best friend (my godsons mother) has a beautiful 2 year old boy. When she got pregnant,I was afraid that i wouldn't be able to be as happy for her as I should be, because of jealousy or what ever reason. Thankfully that wasn't the case. I was overjoyed for her, as was my husband. However, the problem is that now, whenever she is hangin out with us, whether her son is with her or not, she will say things like "God I wish I'd never had a kid!" or "I don't wanna be a "mommy" anymore." It's become nearly a daily thing. The problem here is twofold to me. The main problem is, that while her son doesnt talk much yet, he is a extremely perceptive child. I'm afraid that even if he doesn't understand what she's saying yet, It's become such a habit to her to say these things that eventually he WILL understand or at least pick up on the "unwanted" vibe. He was very much wanted during her pregnancy, and she and her husband planned the pregnancy. My other problem is a more selfish one, I suppose. Aside from the anger I feel that she would say these things in earshot of her son, is the anger that she would dare to say them to ME! She saw what we went through to try to get preggers and how devastating it was for us . How dare she be anything less than eternally grateful? Also, more recently, in about the last 2 weeks, she has started to make even worse comments, such as, "It's a good thing you didn't get pregnant, YOU could never handle a baby." My hubby and I are very responsible and as ready financially and emotionally as we could be before we started trying. She's always kinda loved the drama, so is Is this maybe just another way for her to point out how hard SHE has it, or what?
That is messed up, but do you think maybe she is saying these things so that you would be grateful you didn't get pregnant? Obviously you wouldn't be, but maybe she thinks you would. Just a thought. Maybe sit down with her and tell her that you don't appreciate those comments.
I did think about that when it started. I thought mabye it was an attempt (albeit a misguided one) to make infertility easier on me. But I asked her about it, and she said that wasn't it , she just really doesn't think I should have kids.
NOT something a freind would say. She sounds like she resents her own child (but sadly, in these cases, she will probably go on to have more, despite not even wanting them) and is taking it out on you, the child and everybody. What she is doing is Projecting. She is in fact saying "I can't handle a child." then projecting it onto you. Not fair. To the child or you. She may need some professional help. (In fact, I am sure she does.) Who the hell says things like that IN FRONT of a child? I can't imagine what he is feeling. HE has to live with her every day. The poor kid. Like you said, children's perceptive language is much more sophisticated than their expressive language, so he KNOWS she doesn't want him. I don't envy that poor child. I am so sorry you have had a hard time with fertility. I hope you are able to get the baby you want soon. Please, if you see ANY signs of abuse or neglect of this child REPORT IT. Ruining a child is so awful, it isn't worth not saying anything to "save" a relationship with a womyn who doesn't care about her child OR her friends.
I am sorry that your friends is being stupid. Just to give you a bit of hope. My Uncle and his wife tried for years to get pregnant. She had a lot of health problems and 6 miscarriages and then one day it happened. They have the sweetest little boy he is 2 now. So don't give up you are still really young it could happen for you at any time.
Just to put everyone's mind at ease at least somewhat. I'e NEVER seen any type of abuse going on. And he doesn't seem to notice when she says it now. I just worry about the future. She may already be getting a taste of what it's like. I babysat him for 4 months and other than a few nomal tantrums, he was an angel. However, as soon as she got home from work, He was hell on wheels. Dunno, maye he was just behaving so well for me b/c I'm NOT "mom". But maybe he was givin her a taste of her own medicine.
Wait. You baby sat for him for FOUR months straight???? Or, like just during the day or evening? Cuz, I am thinking a womyn who could leave her baby for four months at a time probably has never bonded. Unless you mean you were a regular babysitter for a period of four months, but he went home every day. I hope it's the latter. As for what you said about "never seen abuse." I have no idea, I don't know this womyn or her child. But, neglect, in fact, in most cases can often be worse on a child than certain types of physical abuse. And emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. Do you think the things she says are emotionally abusive? I can't beleive he doesn't know what she is saying. You said she does say them in front of him, not when he is out of earshot (which would be bad enough, but to say it in front of him tells you she doesn't even think he either deserves the respect or is too stupid to know what she is saying. But, I am not there, I have no idea of the severity of it. But, there is never smoke without fire, People who resent their children never stop at just "saying" things. Think of how her words hurt YOU, and magnify this by 10000, as she isn't your mama, and you don't have to live with her. I'm thinking the child is the real victim in this, and she was just using you to Project her feelings, which really isn't fair to you or the child. But, most kids WILL, almost to a tee, be much "better behaved" with others than with their own mothers. It's like mama is "safe haven." and they feel they can "be themselves" with Mama, and have to be more careful with people who they don't know as well. My Sage is Hell On Wheels at home (as was her oldest sister) and her teachers have all said she is a "Model student" and they wish they had an entire class of clones of her. My dh and I looked at each other like "Does this womyn have the right file?" LOL! :lol:
If he only acts out when he sees his mother he does so for attention. Meaning that the only time she pays attention to him is when he is acting out so he will do it all the time. There are a lot of community support groups for mothers like her. I can give you some names of national organizations if you like. She needs to find help for herself and her child now or things will keep getting worse.
Not neccesarily. Many, in fact most kids, will use mama as a Safe Haven, and will feel safer acting out around her. And, if it is "only for attention" then it is sad, and not the child's fault. A healthy child needs attention, a neglectful mother may well have a child who acts up a lot, but usually by the age of 4 or so, a child realizes this tactic doesn't work and gives it up. My guess is the kid is simply acting on "Safe Haven" behavior, but I don't know him or his mom, so it's anybodies guess. Skittle, how many kids do you have, and how old are they? I am interested, as you have a lot of opinions about parenting, but I've never seen you mention any children. Just curious.
It does make sense that he's acting that way b/c his mother is a "safe haven". However, I believe that it is a combination of that and a mistake that his mother has made since he was about a year and a half old. He began to throw tantrums at about that time (as most kids do). She couldn't (or wouldn't) deal with them, so she began a now vicious(sp?) cycle of "honey if you stop, I'll give you a piece of candy." I tried to warn her against this, but no such luck.
That sounds about right. I think you are on the mark, plus you know her, and we don't. My guess would be, from the behavior, what you said.
My comment was based on a psychological knowledge of behavior. Yes kids use mothers as safe havens but it is not normal for them to start acting out as soon as they see their mothers. A child does not through a tantrum because they are happy. They do so because they want or need something that they are not getting.
Hmmm. "psychological knowlege of behavior." Yeah, I've got some of that lying around, too. I have a BS in Psych and an MS in Child Development, (big deal ) and my opinion is different than yours.<shrug> Yes, children who use "Safe Haven" behavior DO start it the moment they see mama. I've seen it a thousand times I used to work in Child Care, for years, and I never deluded myself that I was somehow better than the parents at "parenting" because I knew, even in my early 20s, before I had children of my own, that these kids were just MORE comfortable with their mamas and knew that mama was the place to let off their true feelings. But, maybe your expereince is different. I have no idea. Whatever........I'm not gonna flog a dead horse.
