Hello friendly fellow hippies. Tuesday I freaked out at my job. We were having a nice business dinner with a lot of “important people” at a nice restaurant, and we were supposed to chat with them in a relaxed way, and feel relaxed, but in fact it was all superficial and a part of our jobs. I was quiet all during the dinner, while all the other people were conversing, and I felt more and more like an idiot. After a couple of hours I simply just couldn’t take it any longer. I freaked out. I don’t like to feel obliged to be social – it’s superficial and feels claustrophobic. I freaked totally out in an assault of angst. It’s more than a fragile man like me can take. I freaked out. I went outside the restaurant and smoked three cigarettes, and when I turned back, a person asked me: “don’t you like the food or what?”. Next day we were still having these “important” guests, and they were having a public lecture in the auditorium where I’m working. But all the thoughts were buzzing in my head, and I couldn’t manage to understand one single word of what was spoken. So I told my colleges that I was sick, and that I need to go home, and so I did. Then I went directly to my doctor, and now I’m on anti-depressive once again (I also was one year ago), but this time I demanded to him – in BIG words – that I only would comply taking the shitty medicine, if he would order some professional therapy to me. But that take months to get – there are so many people with psychological diagnoses in my country… But finally my doctor realized that I’m having a depression. Last year I he prescribed anti-depressives to me for half a year. I felt good during that half year, but later all the darkness returned. Medicine only solve symptoms – not the real cause of the problems… Medicine is poison… But I'm glad that I'll get some psychological therapy after some months - I really need it... Love and understanding, [font="]-wolf-[/font]
wolf_at_door, ah what a long, twisted journey brought you to this place; and like a strange dream it seems. Was it really you - ? - but nevertheless you've been yearning for it all those years. And now, as you slowly wake, what a blessing is it, to find the surface is not the deepest of all truths. And so you go deeper, through all these fears and strange longing, to once again find your own depth, and greater truth that never was lost on your wondrous journey. As in all that darkness, you ever knew the shining spark that is you. And so you are changing, to heal and healing, to change ... to tap anew into the blessing of what is now ... and find, life indeed is the most wonderful medicine of all. May you grow, and heal Much love
Moving Cloud!!! I believe more and more that you're an angel. I will thank you so much for your wonderful poem. That striked right into my soul, I must say. I'm sure that you're experienced knowing what the deepest human darkness is about, and thanks to your deep developed empathy you feel it too... Otherwise you wouldn't be able to write that poem... To all other people who'd felt like me, I'm having a suggestion... Be creative... Don't mind if you think that you suck at being creative, but at least try - and you will improve... I didn't play my guitar for somewhat 15 years, and I need to start all over again right now. Luckily I'm having a patient teacher!!! -So now I'm sitting in my room, practizing my three chords, and as long I practice half an hour a day, I feel improvement. I feel that I'm getting better, and I feel that I create something. To find your inner ressources is the best therapy ever. I was so passive for more than a decade... I've been like a zombie who didn't improve the last 10 years. But I have realized that it's never too late... love and understanding, -wolf-
I completely understand what You wrote because I was suffering from similar problems in the past and still have a lot of problems like that... (Especially since I came back from Denmark - I simply don't feel I can fit into the hungarian society; roughly saying: the word "hungarian" has turned into a swearing in my mind: I don't feel I am in any community with these people (except my closest friends) , I hate the way how they live, I hate their "morals", their way of thinking, their arrogance , their hypocracy. You can imagine how it feels to go to the university everyday, to look at people's faces everyday with the feeling that You cannot stand vomiting into their face if You can't go home immediately. The more I am thinking about this country the more I am convinced that it was neither the communism nor the dictatorship but the people who have fucked it up and who still fuck it up and who will always fuck it up...) So, returning to the medicines I must say that the only thing that can make me feel better is medicine. Even though i know it's poison I don't want anything else from the psychiatrist because I see no point in having a conversation with her. Do You really think anything can help besides the medicine? I would never be able to rely on the opinion of a pscyhiatrist/psychologist. Just imagine, how objective he is... He has pre-made conceptions about life: he is expected to prove that Your life is fantastic, don't kill yourself, living is worth etc. Can You really believe to someone who suggests the same things to everyone? I have never been able to... In fact the whole psychology is too relativistic for me: their main principle is that everything is up to the individual - you can always be happy under any circumstances, it is only up to you. And when it doesn't work, just go and hire a psychologist who tell You how to lie to yourself about your own life and how to believe the new life-lies. Have You read the Wild duck from Henrik Ibsen? It is my favourite drama. dr. Relling comes to my mind when it comes to psychologists...
Hello Wolf How are you feeling there now? It wasn't nice to read you're feeling down and I hope you're on the mend. This may all seem pretty presumptuous, as it kinda is! So forgive me for that. But it sounds to me like the job is the problem and not you as such. I don't imagine for a second that your feelings aren't genuine. Just it sounds like it was this work dinner that set you off and got you stressed. And if I were you I'd be asking myself wether it's right for me. Is it worth the stress and the politics? Also, it's not like anyone can just walk out of a job, it's where you earn your dough afterall. But if that's the case, the money, then just tell yourself that, "This isn't me. This is how I pay my way". As for potential treatments, hell I wouldn't rule anything out! Whatever you feel helps can't be all bad. Have you considered a more natural approach? I study herbalism in my spare time and that teaches you to seek out the cause of a problem instead of just alleviating the effects. Say you had a tension headache, you wouldn't take a painkiller to reduce the pain, you'd use a technique to reduce the tension. Which kinda ties in with what I was saying about the job. Maybe your depression hasn't kicked back in, maybe you're just feeling the stress from your job. So I'd suggest trying ways to make work a bit more tolerable. Quitting is obviously drastic! Anti-Depressants (which you're not a fan of) is drastic. If you want to talk this through with someone, then a psycologist is very sensible. I personally don't think they're all just churning out standard answers for everybody. I actually think the majority care about their job and genuinly want to help folk through whatever issues they're facing. Anyway Like I say, try an establish what is making you feel down, and try to deal with that. I'd be happy to offer some herbal help when you think you've reached a conclusion. If you fancy. Keep your chin up! & Take care, John
Mad Scientist and Bokonon! Thanks for your good replies! I wanted to reply earlier this night, but unfortunately the site was down for a moment, and I'm soon off to bed now! So I will only reply shortly this turn (and will elaborate my reply later) - sorry about that! I would prefer to consult a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist, but I can't get any public spent money for a psychologist - if I want to consult a psychologist, I must spend my own money - and that's not cheap! I see your point, Mad Scientist, but I don't fully agree. I consider medicine as the society's way of not solving the real problems - and to individualize problems, just as you consider professional consultations. Because when I take medicine, it's "my problem" that I'm having a depression, that can be cured - my symptoms are not considered as a symptom of living in a dehumanizing society. When consulting a psychiatrist, I'm not obliged to follow all of his/her advices. The psychiatrist has the same role as the sitter - it's an experienced person who can provide some help opening my eyes to some difficulties, that I'm not able to acknowledge by my own hand. And Bokonon - you're right that my job is not the job of my dream, and I also try to get another job. But the job isn't really demanding, compared to other jobs, and my colleges are in generel really kind. But the problem is first of all the way I react on even small challenges on my job. I'm simply too weak and too sensitive. I break down on things that other people consider as trifles. Thank for your replies - it's very kind of you... love, -wolf-
