basically, I've got to the point where i cant even stand myself. I've got so much holding me back, i can only say it's all in the head, but still, i cant let go of this. I know that if i continue with this attitude i'm going to lose the most amazing guy i ever met. and i dont want to lose him...but at the same time i want to prove that i'm right, that i'm the victim. i've got trust issues. i just cant trust him. i cant. ive tried and i cant. i've been hurt in the past, and i've been lied to by people who i thought loved me. i'm still feeling so heartbroken, and i feel all these feelings will never go away even though they happened a long time ago. he doesnt give me reasons to be jelous or anything, it's all in my head, i actually realise this, but i've got the need to let him know that it bothers me the fact that he slept with someone else the night we met and hit it off. i feel sort of cheated, like that night meant nothing. he says that this happened before he started loving me, but i cant forget that he never told me about this and i found out from someone else. that's another reason that doesnt make me trust him entirely. i also know i've got some serious self image issues, insecurity issues, self steem, whatever you call it. i do, i know i do. i just feel i'm not good enough for him. that he could do better, get someone prettier, nicer, less me. i've tried breaking up with him a number of times cos i just cant live on like this, on this eternal rollercoaster of good and bad feelings, and worse, i know what's actually happening but it seems i enjoy playing the victim. i feel like i've got control. and that satisfies my need to feed my self pity. i've stopped writing for a minute and read the last paragraph. i'm such a fucking idiot. he knows all this. he knows about my pain. but i feel i'm trying to destruct what i want, cos i'm afraid. i feel so fucking small.sorry i'm still a bit drunk.
Calm down, relax, take a deep breath and stop drinking alcohol. After you are done with that, say this to yourself- "whatever happens, happens for our good, everything is in control, everything is alright, there isn't a thing that is going to go wrong." Now, start living in the present, don't go to the past even if your mind takes you there. Try to live in the present, try to experience fully what you want in the present. The past is always behind us, don't try to make your present life in to a living hell because of it. You cannot go back in time, so why waste the present time trying to go back in time or why waste the present energy trying to think of any alternative solutions?. I think its a good thing that you realized that it is all in your head. Now all you need to do is forget it. We all make mistakes, everyone does. Also, you are not "fucked up" , you are just upset. Just calm down and relax, everything will be just fine.
i wanted to thank you for replying to my post. I was feeling really upset this morning when i typed that. I've realised I really need to change, but it's hard you know, it's hard to trust people, it's hard cos i'm putting myself in a very vulnerable position and that scares me. I want to learn to trust. I want to trust my boyfriend because I am in love with him and i dont want to lose him. i know i can be so selfish sometimes, and last night he told me how he's been trying to cope with my jelousy and insecurities, well, he doesnt go out with his friends anymore and other things, he says I should trust him. I find it hard to trust men in general to be honest. yeah i definitely should relax a little. living in the past wont help me. it's really hard though. but i need to do it. thank you again Jedi.
I know where you are coming from, I have had a very timultious past and for a long time I played the victim. It was hard for me to let go of all the hurts emotional and physical from that time...but when I did. I truly began to live again. It was rebirth for me. I still have issues with trust, and fear as most people do. The difference now is, I realize that I didnt deserve all the pain and that when I stepped out of myself and thought about how I treated myself ... I asked would you treat a friend, or even a stranger this way?...the answer was no, and from that I started forward. Even now when I think of negative things about myself, I think about how I would never do that to someone else and kinda keep myself in check. Im not sure if this msg makes any sense. But know there are so many people in your shoes and that life although hard as hell sometimes is a journey we all have to take. But we dont have to do it alone....if you need any one to talk to, drop me a line. Id love to chat... Much love, Sasha
Thank you for your message Merenwenelanesse. I know life is hard sometimes. things happen that make you realise what you are and how you face the world. I'm now starting to see things that I didnt see before. I just need to get used to the idea that I'd better live the present as it comes, not worrying about stuff that happened before. You learn from past experiences but it's best to get the best out of those experiences, even if they were really bad. I'm a bit anxious about my life. I'm soon to start university and i'm going through a lot of changes inside my head. i need to clear my mind of stuff that doesnt let me grow as a person, it's actually holding me back. now that i'm with someone, whom i love very much and hope to have a future together, i need to be able to let myself be happy and enjoy life as it is...it's hard especially when you've bee hurt. but it doesnt have to be the same shit again... i want to feel new, feel free. i know i can do it, i just need time. thank you again for your kind words.
Your tearing yourself up. I know how you feel tho. I have been that way many times to. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Get a new hair style. Something else that I have tried, not to long ago my husband went on a business trip. I picked out a nice dress, but didn't wear any underware. It is a small thing but I felt really sexy and naughty at the same time. oh what a night. What I am getting at make yourself feel better and you will be able to trust your guy. What your guy did in the past doesn't have anything to do with you two. I actually think partners shouldn't know about past lovers because it olny makes the mind wonder if you live up to your loves past lovers. That is too much pressure and makes for alot of insecurities. Who is your guy with? YOU, anybody can have sex but it takes a special someone to make love. To make love you really have to care (love) someone.
I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same thing about 2 months ago. The fact that you thought someone loved you and they ended up hurting you sucks; believe me, I know. You've got to find something that you love/enjoy and just let yourself go. I learned the hard way to not dwell in the past. It fucking hard, I know. And honestly, I'm still in love with the person who hurt me most in my life. I know how you feel about all the jealousy and crap. I think it'll go away. For me, it went away eventually. Tell him that you love him and that you're going through some hard times, just so he knows. I really hope that you don't lose this amazing guy. Best of luck. I hope everything turns out okay.
thank you all for your posts. Last night, he asked me for some time alone. for me that means it's the end of our relationship. I have to say i've taken it pretty well, considering what i felt a few days ago. i think it's for the best. it's bizarre cos i feel a bit relieved i dont have to worry about him anymore and it's letting me concentrate on other stuff i need to sort out for myself. it hurts, of course, but probably it wasnt meant to be. I know i'll miss him like crazy and i already do. but i cant change things and i dont really want to. i know i'll never trust him, it's just not meant to be. i think we both are better off withouht each other. anyways, i've realised many things last night after i talked to my mum, and one of them is that perhaps this break will help me and him breathe a little, our relationship went high speed ever since the beginning and i guess that was one of the problems. i could never trust him cos he hid stuff from me, and i learned about these things from third parties; of he;d been more honest and told me about all these things before i heard them from others, i'd have reacted different towards him. oh well, things like this give you experience and make you wiser. i know for a certain i'm not crying anymore. i think i had enough.
although i think it does sound best that you guys split since you were stressing so much , i just wanted to say something -- not telling you something, that was likely not important to him and he didn't see it as something he even needed to tell you does NOT equate with him being dishonest. if you'd asked him, and he said no that didn't happen, then THAT'S being dishonest. not telling you about stuff he did with other people before you guys started going out is not being dishonest. that's what i think anyway.
I myself battle my own jealousy and insecurity. I was born jealous and insecure and it has never gone away. It has gotten better, with time and really working on myself, but it has never gone completely away. Because this is an issue that I must live with-so must my partner. So, I generally tell them, fairly soon, that I have jealousy issues. Some guys can handle it and some guys can't. But that's okay. If they can't, then living with me would be rough sometimes, they would not be happy. Better to find out sooner, rather than later. I have learned to keep much of my jealousy quiet. I usually know when I'm being irrational, I've learned to see it in myself. At those times, when I know my feelings are unjustified, I just keep it to myself and try to let it go. Not an easy task, but I was able to learn how and am generally successful. And I have learned how to speak calmly (for the most part), when my feelings are justified and not get too crazy or hysterical. This is helpful for encouraging the communication process. Being jealous and insecure, can drive people away, as you are learning. You have to be careful. Unless you wish to find someone who needs that kind of partner, but then you can find yourself in an unhealthy dynamic, sometimes. Not good. Zen makes my head hurt, but sometimes it can be helpful. This is one of those instances (for me). Remember that EVERYTHING IS IMPERMANENT. Whomever you are with today, you will NOT be with forever. Your time together will end, at some point. No one can say when, but it will most definitely end. Enjoy it while you have it and let it go, when it is time. I also have a belief in fate, or destiny. I know that certain people have been brought into my life (and taken out of my life) for good reasons. I trust that if The Universe is going to take my boyfriend away, there must be a reason for it and likely a lesson to learn. Some of the best lessons have been the most painful. And many breakups fall into that category. From reading your post, I would say you have some very serious trust and security issues. My advice would be that you try to stay out of serious relationships, until you can get a handle on your emotions. If you have been this way for a very long time, like you say you have, then it may take a very long time to get over it. I have a friend who has had trust issues all her life, from abuse as a child. She will probably never be able to be in a positive relationship. She has accepted that this is how she is going to be and she has come to terms with being single and celibate. Hopefully, you aren't as severe as she is, but it may take quite some time, years even, for you to be able to truly trust again. The one thing that helped me the most, was staying out of relationships. I voluntarily took myself out of the dating pool, for over a year. Learning to become strong, on my own, helped a lot. Now, when I say I "need" my boyfriend, I do need him, but it isn't in that unhealthy (I will die if he leaves) kinda way. Part of my insecurity stemmed from my dependence on others and my fear of being without them. Once I was able to see that I can live without a boyfriend, my insecurity got MUCH better. I still have moments (usually when I'm PMSing) but they are not nearly as bad as they used to be. And we recognize it for the insanity that it is and we are able to brush it off more easily and put it behind us. Goddess, I didn't mean to write so much. Oh well, I guess I needed to say something. I hope it helps. Good luck
actually i just wanted to say thanks for being so honest with yourself. that's prolly a really odd thing to hear right? but so many girls wouldn't sit here and post the kind of honest stuff that you did a few days ago. You being honest with yourself is prolly the best thing that you can do to start "knowing, and dealing" with this stuff. You seem like you have a decent head on your shoulders, so go with your instincts and learn from your mistakes and learn from your fears. You have a great support system going on this forum if you need anyone. nova
