Hi, I had a conversation with my wife about the fact I was nervous she was going out to a nightclub with a group of women I didn't trust. She told me that I had no need to worry and that she made her own decisions and would not be led by others. So I trusted her 100%. She went out and started dancing with her friends, then some men came along and joined their dancing group. Then my wife starting feeling flattered by the attentions of one of the men and started dancing with him, to fast music but close enough so their arms were around each other. she accepted a drink and a conversation with him and then another dance and then a kiss on the cheek goodnight. She knew I didn't like her accepting other men in her group to dance, being a man, I know that in these situations in a nightclub, men have one thing on their mind, and its not just dancing. She felt that if roles were reversed then she wouldn't mind me dancing with another woman as long as no kissing went on as that is where she would draw the line. Having said all that, she knew where my line would have been drawn. I feel completely devastated by all this and she has said sorry it was a stupid mistake. Even though I have told her in the past that men are led by their smaller brain in a nightclub and if they have the balls to come up to you to ask for a dance, they really want a lot more, she ignored my advice and my thoughts and allowed a complete stranger to basically pull her, although there was no kissing, all the other steps were there. Am I wrong in this matter - I would appreciate your thoughts M
First you don't need to school your wife in what men are after, she knows. It just feels good to them to know that other men are still attracted to them. Obviously some of both genders carry that too far. Second, if she knew you were not alright with it then she did violate your trust especially since you discussed it before hand. What she did isn't that terrible but it does indicate that their could be problems. If she came home and told you straight off I would be less concerned then if she tried to hide it and you found out from someone else. So I think it is a violation of trust but not a huge one if she told you about it. Only you decide how many times or what violates your trust enough to leave.
First of all, you remind me of one of my exes. This sort of overly-jealous bs is a big part of why he is an ex. Oh, my, god, guys at nightclubs are interested in sex??? Holy shit, I never knew. But, then, so are guys at the beach or swimming pool (where the women are far more scantily clad), so are guys at the pool hall, so are guys walking down the street, etc. If your true, honest fear is that she will interact with guys who are only interested in sex, how long until you start locking her in the house, never allowing her to interact with any males she is not a close blood relative of? Yes, there are men at nightclubs who are out for sex. They're great -- they buy your drinks and boost your ego... And that's it. Your wife is a grown woman -- she is quite capable of saying "thanks but no thanks" and walking out the door with her female friends at the end of the night. When you say you trust her 100%, I would think you could trust her to be able to actually do that. Otherwise, you're full of shit when you claim to trust her 100%. She danced in a group with people of both genders. She didn't kiss anyone, make out with anyone, go slip off to the back corner of the club with anyone, etc. Oh My God. And then she had the nerve to come home and tell you about it all. What a whore. Just to be clear, you explicitly stated that you would feel betrayed and cheated on if she danced with another man? Grow up and get a life. No real man is going to be this insecure about a woman he actually trusts dancing with another man. I mean, if it's more of a lap dance than anything else, well, yeah, that's crossing a line. But the sort of dancing I see most couples do when I go to nightclubs (which admittedly isn't that often) is nothing to get this freaked out about. And, as a final disclaimer, yes, I am probably much more on your case than I expect most responses to be. This is the sort of behavior that I dealt with early on with males who turned out to be verbally abusive control freaks. That's not love, that's control and possession. If you love her, trust her -- and trusting her means that you trust her ability to interact with other males without being lured back to their dens. Going to a club alone is a dangerous situation, but she had her female friends with her to make sure she gets home safely even if someone slipped something in her drink. If you don't trust that her friends would do that for her, then that's an entirely separate issue.
I think you might be worrying just a tad too much. I mean, I myself wouldn't go out to a club and dance like that with other guys, and I certainly wouldn't be kissing them, but hey, I think she probably just got a thrill out of other men finding her desirable, not that it affects her love or commitment to you in any way. It's always nice to feel that "you've still got it" especially because, sometimes, when you're married, you take each other for granted, and figure "hey, she knows she looks hot, I don't have to say it!" But oh, yes you do! Now if she started going out and doing that kind of thing all of the time, then I'd be more concerned. Are you afraid that she's not happy with you, or your marriage? Could that be the root of it?
....from the machos, advice; from the femininist, advice; from hcmommy concerned and good advice! Now from a lover: sextuple your efforts at lovin' and make home more attractive than a bar with a jukebox. Just ask yourself, "what's so attractive about going out with the girls?......"
My first thought, to be honest, was what is she going to a nightclub for in the first place ?? This is a place to meet and drink and dance, and get more intimate with people. Dancing with your arms touching other people is a proximity turn on, and so is a kiss goodnight. I can see why the mister mister is uptight. The world is full of interesting and provocative people, and one could easily fall in love with many, many people, so if Nightclub Nancy is meeting some of these men, then maybe she will become unsatisfied with her current partner.(and leave him ). I can just feel his justified fear of losing her to someone more carefree (dancing, drinking, conversing, kissing .) It is natural for a man to want to keep his beloved mate close, and not have her exposed to the many other (very hot-very cool) males out looking for partners. All the advice to " loosen up guy " is not practical (he never will-its biological), and I don't think very good advice for keeping a relationship strong and lasting. Hey there are other places to go with the girls. You might say that if a woman is going to meet someone else, it could happen anywhere, and thats true, but I think we all know that the nightclub setting is an invitation to relax our inhibitions, and party with each other. So......................
so she shouldn't go to a nightclub because she already has a partner? How dare she want to go out adn dance with her girlfriends. I gotta say, I agree with nearly everything dawn_sky said. I think you need to chill out a little bit. I mean, it's just dancing. Yes, she should've told teh guy she wasn't single but it's not like she made out with him, didn't sleep with him, in fact went home and told the whole truth about what happened.
I guess I look at it this way, if the table were turned and it was a female who was asking for this advice, would we be telling her the same things? I would give her the same advice as I am going to give this guy...if you don't like something that happened, you have two choices: A: You communicate it with her, work on what needs to be worked on, learn to trust again OR B: Leave her and say, "that's it, that was going too far". Ultimately it comes down to how serious this was to you. For some people it's no big deal, for others it is...
