I just cut myself...

For the first time in my life, I just took a razor blade to my wrist and made some small cuts. I don't want to say why.

 

now tell your mom to hide all the razors from you and find another outlet for your anger/sadness/whatever. when i was your age we all wrote poetry and drew pictures and found artistic ways to express ourselves.... get a camera or a hobby or something. seriously. or if you think your cutting is going to become chronic for some other reason... like you are obsessed over an unseen entity on your skin that you want to cut off... then you need to see a therapist. but if you cut yourself because you're pissed at the world, find another outlet immediately.

 

seriusly
cutting is a horrible way to deal with emotions
once youstart it becomes an adiction
learn to not hold in your emotions but let them out
when your sad, cry when angry yell but do not stuff those emotions down where they eat away at you till you feel you need to cut just to deal with the pain

 

just od on some pills yo

 

why not show him how its done?

 

I started and I instantly started to feel better. It was weird.... When I stopped I wanted to keep going, but I knew I might start liking it too much. I'm kind of ashamed. I'll try to find another outlet for my emotions... I'll see what works.

 

yea see thats the danger, instead of dealling with the emotions ya use a band aid thats what cutting does..instant fix..but the real emotions are sill below the surface festering, and getting worse

what was the issue that brought it on?
what were the emotions you couldnt express?
were you trying not to cry because crying=weakness?

 

so ive delt with suicide and heres somethings that is really different but could help:

156 things to do besides cutting
1) Exercise, running ect.
2) Putting on fake tattoos
3) Drawing on yourself in red marker (make sure it's washable!)
4) Scribbling on sheets an sheets of paper
5) Writing (poetry, stories, journal, etc.)
6) Cuddling with a stuffed toy
7) Being with other people
8) Watching a favorite TV show (preferably a comedy) 9) Posting on web boards, and answering others' posts 10) Thinking about how I DON'T want scars for the summer
11) Painting your nails
12) Going to see a movie
13) Eating something ridiculously sweet (or any favorite food)
14) Doing school work
15) Surf the net
16) Go into chat rooms to talk
17) Call a friend and ask for company
18) Playing a musical instrument
19)Singing 20) Looking up at the sky (night is especially beautiful)
21) Making your own list of things to do instead of SI
22) Punching a punching bad (with gloves on)
23) Snapping a rubber band on your wrist (or hair band)
24) Cover yourself with band-aids where you want to cut
25) Mix warm water and red food colouring, and put in on your skin (feels and looks like blood)
26) Letting yourself cry (can be very difficult for some)
27) Sleep (only if you are tired)
28) A hot shower, or relaxing bath (no razors in the tub, though)
29) Play with a pet
30) Detangling yarn or necklaces
31) Re-organizing your room
32) Cleaning (hmmm...I very rarely use this one!)
33) Having a pillowfight with the wall (yes, neighbours may think you are crazy, but that's ok)
34) Knitting or sewing
35) Reading a good book
36) Dressing up very glamorous (make sure no one can walk in on you, though)
37) Colouring your hair
38) Listening to music (not angry music though-that can trigger)
39) Watching a candle burn (no playing with the flames!)
40) Finding someone else you can help out
41) Meditate
42) Watching a scary (but not bloody) movie.
43) Work on a website
44) Have a vivid fantasy love affair with a celebrity
45) Go somewhere very public
46) Bake cookies
47) Alphabetize your CD's
48) Chewing leather (especially if you SI by biting)
49) Buy a home Henna tatoo kit (peels off the next day-similar to skin picking)
50) Painting or drawing
51) Ripping paper into itty-bitty pieces
52) Hugs-(this one is very nice...)
53) Writting letters or email
54) Talk to yourself (or if that feels weird, buy a small tape recorder-I then feel like someone is listening)
55) Stroke nice fabrics
56) Hug a pillow
57) Hyperfocus on something like a rock, hand, etc.
58) fingerpaint
59) Scream real loud (I LOOOVE this one-just make sure no one is home)
60) Dance
61) Make hot chocolate (mmmmm....)
62) pop bubble wrap
63) play with modelling clay or Play-Dough
64) count to one hundred
65) Build a pillow fort
66) pop balloons
67) Hug yourself
68) Chase mailmen
69) Reading things in a different language
70) Going for a nice, long drive
71) Complete something you've been putting off
72) Drinking absurd amounts of tea
73) Breaking plastic plates
74) Tearing up socks
75) Throwing socks against the wall
76) Archery
77) Rock climbing
78) Take up a new hobby
79) Organise bills and such
80) Cook a meal
81) Go out for ice cream
82) Buy a stuffed animal (I collect Beanie Babies)
83) Look at pretty things-like flowers or artwork
84) Create Something
85) Pray
86) Trow socks against the wall
87) Make a list of blessings in your life
88) Read the Bible
89) Go to a friend's house
90) Take up fencing
91) Watch an old, happy movie
92) Call a Help hotline or your Therapist
93) Talk to someone close to you that knows
94) Throw a temper-tantrum
95) Hit things-other than yourself
96) Ride a bicycle
97) Polish silver or jewellery
98) Gardening or watering house plants
99) Memorizing German poetry (silly, but works!)
100) CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!
101) Feed the ducks or birds or squirrels, etc.
102) Draw on the walls
103) Play with facepaint
104) Do very Glamerous make-up
105) Colour with crayons
106) Memorise a novel or play or song
107) Put on boots and STAMP
108) Stretch
109) Find butterflies
110) Watch fish
111) Come up with baby names (even if you're not pregnant
112) Make mashed potatoes
113) Make a tape of your favorite songs
114) Name all of your stuffed animals
115) Go SHOPPING!!!!
116) Get those japamas with slippery feet and slide on the floor.
117) Buy cheap teddy bears and take out anger onthem instead of self.
118) Throw everything (except glass) into the centre
119) Go to a loud concert
120) Play the 15 minute game (say you can't cut for 15 minutes, and when the time is up, start again)
121) Plan your wedding / prom
122) Hunt for stuff on Ebay (you can find ANYTHING there)
123) Alphabetize your books
124) Hunt for your perfect home in the paper
125) Take up Tai Chi
126) Try to make as many words out of your full name as possible, then do your friends names)
127) count ceiling tiles/lights
128) go clubbing
129) search ridiculous things on the web
130) colour-co-ordinate your wardrobe
131) do a home tan on yourself
132) sort all your photographs
133) colour (or scribble) over the pretty women in magazines
134) plan a dinner party
135) play with a slinky
136) but yourself some toys and play
137) start collecting comething
138) get a tattoo / peircing
139) play video/computer games
140) do a trash clean at your local park
141) Play on a swingset
142) go out and perforn a random act of kindness for someone
143) call up an old friend
144) write yourself an "I love you because" letter
145) put on fake nails
145) try to build something
146) re-arrange your house
147) go to a public place and people watch
148) go through all your old stuff
149) go bargain - hunting
150) smile at at least five people (you usually end up smiling genuinely yourself.)
151) go to the zoo and rename all the animals.
152) Listen to birds and talk to them!
153) Start talking about evil bunnies and con fu bananas.
154) use clay and make silly things
155) think about your dream car and what you would do to it.
156) start talking to plants.

 

The issue was that some emotions came up again that I haven't had for a while. For months I was depressed that I was gay (pretty sure I am), and the last week or two those feelings have started to come back. They hit me pretty hard yesterday and today. I was just totally, and completely sad. I had no particular reason... I didn't feel all that ashamed, the thought of my homosexuality just upset me somehow. I was lost in sadness. I wanted to just lay on the floor with a pillow and cry and be angry and let everything out. I was afraid my parents would overreact... they would hear it no matter where I did it. I kept trying to keep those feelings down and I couldn't. So I started cutting, and all the pain went away. I wasn't trying not to cry, I just didn't. I was terribly sad yet I didn't cry.



Thank you, Katie89. There are some good ideas in that list.

 

that is a really tough thing to go through, discovering you have a sexuality that is different from the norm... that may not be welcomed by your parents.... it's difficult and i know ppl who are in college and out but still don't feel comfortable telling their parents who live in different towns. at your age it's difficult too, because you don't necessarily have a place to go to feel welcome. when you get older there are gay bars that i personally love and i think everybody feels welcome in a gay bar.... anyway, i'm kinda going off on a tangent. have you been to the gay forum here? samhain is the mod and he's a really great guy. but once again, please please find another way to let go of your emotions. remember that you are unique and special, but not alone.

 

I frequent the gay forum here, and I agree that samhain is great. And I know I need to find another way to express my emotions... I just need to find what works.

 

crying is a pressure relief valve, the only 1 that truly works.. u can medicate the tears away, or cut to prevent them, but none of those things heal the pain, only mask it, only releaseing the emotions will heal them

if you cant expressthem outright ..try writting
put your sadnessand anger on paper..
wordscan release emotions almost as well as tears
and yes talk to people in the gay forum,
if your gay and ya mayy be.. dont feel at all bad about being you
theres nothing wrong with you..

in fact..celebrate the realization...an end to confusion.. now ya know why you felt the way you do..celebrate it and you'll stop feelin bad about it
congrats

 

sorry, i know how annoying preaching to the choir can be.... good luck i'm happy to see you seem to lack the defeatist attitude of a lot of ppl who post about cutting seem to have.

 

well that i attribute to knowing it was not a good thing...most cutters hide it for years b4 they reach out..but by then they feel hopeless to change
he did it once only, and knew instinctively that it wasnt the right way to stop pain
the hurt might stop, but the real pain only intencifies

talking was the right thing to do

 

that's pretty much what i was talking about

 

I used to cut.
Take it from someone who knows.
It's not as good as it's made out to be.
And the scars are a horrible accesory.

 

I'd imagine so.

 

I have seen it. With razor blades, it cuts through skin like a knife through butter. The skin just opens up and the blood sort of overflows and drips everywhere.

If it is deep enough, there is a tingly affect but advise not to cut anymore.

Once you have scars on your arms, you cannot wear t shirts and you get strange looks if you do wear one. it also gets addictive after a while. I was addicted to it. it was for the tingle affect and the blood being let loose. Felt a huge pressure relieved. Now I cannot wear t shirts. All I can wear is my shirts.

 

john..you stopped?

 

CrazybutLazy, I feel for you on this issue but strongly suggest you find another outlet for your emotions!! Also, please do find a counsellor to talk to who can help you identify and deal with your emotions, don't damage yourself!! You will regret it one day and it's bad for your soul!!!