Girlfriend has serious sex "issues" plz advise

I need and would appreciate some help here.

My girlfriend of 3 months has some very real issues with sexual activity that I am just starting to see surface as we are getting more involved. She was basically raped at a very young age (13 or so) and recently got out of a 3 year relationship that consisted of constant verbal abuse, and more important to the topic at hand, a very mediocre, to unsatisfying sex life. She has told me that she rarely enjoyed sex with her former partner, as it was "all about him" and she became used to him asking for things (blowjobs, sex, etc etc).

That said, I am not the kind of man to ask her outright for a blowjob or anything else. I will and have hinted that I desire these things, and even encourage her when she touches me and takes charge. She rarely, if ever, actually initiates anything sexual, however, and when she has it has on both occasions ended quite awkwardly with her kind of smiling shyly and even kind of laughing a little in a very timid, and nearly scared way. She has described the feeling of wanting badly to just do certain things, but says she encounters a wall of sorts and she just freezes up.

We've not has intercourse, as I both feel she is not ready mentally, even if she physically desires this (as she says she does), and also because I am planning to wait until marriage to have sex, although I am quite confident with her in bed, and could see myself making an exception for her if the circumstances were great.

I have gone down on her a handful of times, nearly always giving her an orgasm, once giving her two. She often cannot believe that I am genuine in my outlook on sex as she has never had a lover (the one man she dated for 3 yrs) who had any real concern for her satisfaction. And I am extremely sincere in my desire for her complete and utter sexual satisfaction. I've gone 21 years without sexual contact of any real kind (as a personal choice) and honestly have great willpower and take a good deal of enjoyment out of seeing my girl orgasm.

We care a great deal about each other and get more comfortable with each other every day, but I am a man and since things have been a bit physical, I do have my own needs (I have not orgasmed in her presence yet.) That is not even to say I need to get off. What I need is a receptive and open partner who WANTS to please me as much as I want to please her. I have no interest in an emotionless bj/hj and if she is not into it, I can simply go without. She is trying to get to that point and is very unhappy that she reaches the barrior she describes, but it seems that she is betting on time to get her there.

It sounds to me like sex had become mechanic to her in her previous relationship, which in time had made her apprehension give way to complacency. Having a terrible, selfish lover probably only helped make sex that much more of a deluded experience for her, as opposed to the beautiful, satisfying, emotionally fulfilling experience it has the potential to be. I am set on achieving that place with her and helping her finally find sex as it was meant to be in her and my own life, but I am no psychologist, and on top of that have very little knowledge of sexual abuse, as has occured in her youth.

I love this girl very much and need advice on how to help in whatever way I can in the healing process regarding her traumatizing first time and current position towards sex.

Please ask any questions you have, and thank you very much for reading this.

 

iunderstand the situation all to well and all i can say is your doing just fine, more fine then i'd expect from the average guy

1 question however is she dificult to reach orgasm herself? many abused women have problems as well with blockages totheyre own pleasure
especuialy if her last relationship was a taker not giver as you say
i would continue giving..giving all ya can without expectations..when u need to ..just do it yourself.. untill shes really ready to get past her barriers
you can also add some relaxation techniques to your foreplay to make you both more confy

but most of all u just gotta be patient and understanding, and let her come around when shes ready

keep in mind that oral..may bring up very negative emotions and even visions of her abuses..so i wouldnt even encourage her (i guess you mean by guiding her head in that direction?) and let her get there on her own..even if it takesa long time

in the meantime give her a confy headspace to talk about her issues and be supportive in her healling

youve been together showing her love and kindness only 3 months..and shes had years of abuse
realize that 1 month of kindness can heal a year of abuse.. but 1 momment of weakness on your part.. 1 selfish suggestion..can taint 3 months of kindness
be careful in how you approach any action you know might set off those negative emotions

and..if you really are thinking of changing your decision to wait for her
making love to her...instead of just fucking her body.. can go a long way towards opening her up to a more loving sexuality

lil too tired to be more clear sorry

 

Are you a defrocked priest, buddhist monk, ...what? - 21 years without what?...sex, masturbation, deep involvement emotionally? Hey dude, you've prob. got a gaggle of your own hangups - why the two of you sought each other out! Try solving your own understanding of sex; obviously between your written opinion (textbook) and reality there is a gulf. For anyone to suggest things, we need to know all 'bout YOU and less about her. Solve you first! The pathology is hanging all over the place! Too blunt?

 

I was raised in a Christian home, and after a period of time spent not being sure what I believed, I have come to have a real belief in Christ, yada yada, but also have some very huge guffs with organized religion. I said personal reasons because although some of the reason I had waited was due to this Christian upbringing, the better part of my decisions have been made for my own interests.

Speaking of my girlfriend directly, I have conciously made the decision to allow oral, and manual sex to be a part of my pre-marital life. Don't tell me I'm a hypocrite, because this is counter-productive to the point at hand. If my girlfriend is having concerning emotional roadblocks when it comes to oral/mutual masturbation, then she is frankly not ready for sex. Sure she might let me put it in and we might even both cum, but I need her to be comfortable enough to touch me sexually without shame, or hesitancy of any sort before I engage in intercourse with her.

Of note, I have zero hangups in regards to physical things, it is just the timing of these things that I am in control of. I have made a clear mental decision for myself that once I commit to something sexual I free myself of any apprehension. It has worked well for oral sex, which, since the first time I experienced it has been nothing but wonderfully enjoyable for me. If I were to decide tomorrow that her and I were ready for the whole sexual package including intercourse, then I would leave my celibate self in the dust and enjoy sex.

I'm not the one who is pushing sex, and then backing away, becoming shy, and running into emotional barriers. I have made it clear verbally that I am 100% more than okay with everything and anything sexual aside from intercourse at the moment, and have shown this by giving her oral more than once. She respects my decision, but there are clearly hangups on her end more than mine, ie she can barely caress my body without almost blushing and getting timid. I see no reason to put intercouse on the menu when the simple things are still uncomfortable for her.


Just as a side note about me, for the one to two people still reading this, I dislike most women. Most girls I've had any interest in have just not been worth my time. I'm so sorry ladies, just get cooler I guess. I've had oppourtunities to have sex. I was once offered a Blowjob by a beautiful girl who wanted to date me. I turned her down because her annoying voice, laugh, and constantly frantic lifestyle was not somthing I wanted. I guess I'd prefer the whole package over ejaculating into a piece of meat that I will want nothing to do with in a matter of months. Another girl simply had no sense of humor. Who laughs at silly puns and practical jokes. wtf. She was alright, but I have a dark, witty, cutting, and very dry sense of humor, and this girl and I crack up more together than any other girl I've been with either as a boyfriend or just a friend.

Alright, thanks for the responses.

 

hey sandmander i can't offer much beyond my own experience...but because i have experienced something similar to your girlfriend, maybe my story will help.

i have experienced abusive sexual situations as well, although nothing as horrible as being raped. i enjoy sex and getting off with my lover, but sometimes i will freeze up - just as you said your girlfriend does. when i freeze, it's like my whole body goes rigid and memories of horrible events come flooding back. i want to hide, not be touched, and i definately don't want to do anything sexual at that point. i can't even "force" myself past that block.

but...what i have found helps is if i don't "have time" to get into that freeze-up space. what i mean is this. if i go into sex [i mean any sexual event, oral sex, hand sex, actual intercourse] slowly i find i often freeze. so if the undressing is slow, there are long looks between me and my lover, then the emotional component is there. opening up the emotions opens up past emotional wounds at a time when i just want to be sexual, take control of my sexuality...and express that passion. however, if sex is anamalistic...passion taking the both of us over completely...clothes being ripped off, scratching and moaning and licking all over without reserve...then it's a different story. i am in the moment, i am animal - he is animal - and we're both pure passion together. there is no time to open up emotional wounds because we become passion itself and move past the emotion right into it.

i know sex is about emotional connection for many people, and rightly so. but i've found that i like to explore that connection in other ways [gazing into someone's eyes for instance, being just held, falling asleep together]. the majority of the time, having sex in the way i described helps me feel i am taking ownership, there is nothing to fear, and i am enjoying it. the way i get into that kind of sex is having someone push *just* the right buttons...for me it's often exploring the darker, debased side of sex. this might or might not work for you....it might prompt the response you *don't* want [as your g/f is already scared of sex], or it might help her to own the fear and darkness. for me, sometimes i am a little afraid...but then a lover hissing in my ear "you want it don't you, you little slut...you want to get off and have everyone watch you!"....it's an instant turn-on and helps me own and enjoy that darkness. but maybe there are some other buttons your girl has that might work?

well...i hope i've helped a little. i'm not sure if this would work for her but it works for me...good luck.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing and let her talk about her past if she wishes too, just take your tiem like you have been doing, you've only been togehter 3 months and it would be hard for her coming frm an abusive situatioin to get used to being respected and valued, and to transition emotionally, so just be there for her for now.

 

Ooo...another thought.

What if you set up a situation where you tell her..."you are in control". so next time you are sexual, back off a little and let her know -

"you initiate what you want, explore me and you how you want, at your pace. you don't have to do anything, and i won't do anything unless you ask me to."

that way she can take it slow and do what she wants, how she wants - but feel empowered 'cause she's making the moves and she *knows* you won't do anything without being asked.

 

my thoughts exactly!!!
toenail i know your confy in the previous situation you described
but i think with this girl and many whove been through abuses might have the opposite effect and really bring on that fear reaction stronger

but it all depends on the person

 

Maybe she has no sex drive. Women can lose their sex drives very easily. Especially if they are on any sort of medications. Is she on anti-depressents because of her past? That can kill a libido faster than anything. Stress can also eliminate the desire.

I zero sex drive right now. As a matter-of-fact, if it weren't for that pesky vow of poverty and the fact that I wouldn't be able to see my kids whenever I wanted too...I could become a nun. I have no desire to have any sort of sexual contact. Kissing even bores me or annoys me.

It's a combination of my meds and stress I am under and the one thing that drives me the most bonkers?? My boyfriend, who knows that I have zero libido and why, still either guilt-tripping me or pressuring me to have sex.

Don't pressure her or guilt-trip her. She'll get upset and she'll leave. I'm barely hanging by a thread here with my DBF. If I get one more whiny email or him trying to have sexual conversations with my on YIM, he's gonna get thwapped. He wants to be with me, he needs to accept how I am right now. Some day my sex drive will return but he'll have to be patient.

 

I can sympathise with having no sex drive. I went on the birth control pill for two and a half years and it reduced my libido to nothing. When I finally came off it, after the effects of the hormone wore off...it was crazy! I was like a dog on heat I totally felt like myself again. So great! ^_^

But I want to offer another point of view to cynical_otter. Otter, I can see where you're coming from, but I can also see the other side...how my then boyfriend felt when I constantly didn't want sex and I know how I would feel in the same situation. Whatever the reasons for it, to me that kind of relationship is supposed to be sexual. The sex is part of the intimacy, the kinkiness, the closeness. It's not comething you do with your other friends. It's a need that most people have [unless they have a reduced sex drive for some reason] that needs to be met.

I know if I was in your boyfriend's shoes, I would be telling you that I want to be friends, but nothing more. I would only stand being rejected a few times, and then I would get sick of it. To me, it's unfair to expect someone to just "wait"...that's like friendship to me, not a boyfriend / girlfriend [or boyfriend / boyfriend or girlfriend / girlfriend ] relationship. I'd want to be with someone who wanted to be with me, who wanted to fuck me...and to be with someone who didn't would become irritating!

So while I agree that pressure or "whining" isn't helpful at all, in the end it might get to a point where you have to decide whether this person is worth being with. Remember...you're her boyfriend sandmander - not her counceller. Don't get them mixed up, it can lead to a one-sided relationship. But it doesn't sound like you're anywhere near there yet, so I wouldn't worry. You'll know if the relationship becomes too one-sided and becomes about her "issues" all the time. Then it's up to you what happens.

 

Thanks agian for the responses.

She has been under a lot of stress lately. I see it, from my laid back, male perspective, as the "fake" kind of stress that is really no big deal (classes, tests, money, work), but I realize that it affects her quite a bit.

Last night, after I returned from work, I poured myself a glass of wine and offered her one. She just looked at me and smiled and said "You know I'm not a wine glass kind of girl *wink*" and took the bottle and within 10 minutes it was gone. Some issues came digging their way up from the grave involving her ex and how she drank a bottle of wine to "forget bullshit like her busy schedule, etc etc, and 'bad things in her past' and just be 'how she wants to be'" IE she was actually making moves on me and expressing herself sexually.

She has a sex drive that is quite active, which is healthy, but the alcohol (which I should have stopped her from drinking) turned her super happy and carefree to sobbing to sleeping like a rock by the end of the night.

I would share the amusing anecdote about how her nose ring screw came off in my bed, and how her drunk self tried to screw it back in 6 times until she leaned over a candle and burned her brand new pants, and how I had to finally screw it in after 15 minutes of leaning over her on the ground... BUT you probably don't need to hear all that.

Thanks again I'll keep you posted.

 

Let me be the first to say that its great you have taken the initiative to not have sex, but you need to cope the fact that she might not be orgasming due to the inexperience. You stated that she looks at sex as mechanical? and that she never had her last boyfriend try and please her? Even if you told her you wanted to "please her" im almost certain she doesnt know what it is. She couldnt tell you even if she wanted to and thats probably one of the biggest problems. So rather than push her id probably say stay on the track your on. Dont throw ask her for bjs because i feel that will just stir up problems, personally a trick i do when i want a bj and my gf knows it, i do a 69, it puts it in her face, it isnt direct and as long as your fulfilling you're part of the bargin i guarantee you she'll start coming around to the idea especially if while shes on top of you, you play with her nipples. this is just advice from a guy who rarely gets bjs. I hate to say i force them on her because i really dont try to, its just my thing to let her know i could use one. One last tip might be that if you do accomplish your goal and she does start being more active, you need to support her and make her feel like shes having fun, ask her questions, im not gonna go into detail but try and make her feel like shes doing a good job and she'll enjoy it more.

 

OOOCH, I'm not touching this one with a ten foot poll since I have no experience. But, I don't want to offer some condolances (I guess that's the right word). I'm proud that you are being supportive, most men wouldn't give a shit! You're a good man and obviously care for your lady! That's rare! Keep it up and more than anything, some advice I can offer, never let her doubt you... always build a strong trusting relationship!

 

hmm , you are a great man , but since you still ask for it , i say that all you need to do is to show her that she is a human being , deserving of what a woman should see , beautiful life , in some other places , beautiful life may differ .

show her that you want to get married to her and want to make love to her not sex .. making love is different from sex .. a man who loves knows how to make love and a man who dont have the love will absolutely show and perform sex .. she only experience sexual abuse , so make love with her is and will be ok .. only you can show what is make love to her ...

 

My boyfriend had exactly the same problem with me, and hes doing a fantastic job. It sounds as if you are doing too. Just plenty of huge, kisses, strokes...please her and yes, tell her hes in control plenty of times. Tell her you understand...it sounds like she may have found the right gentleman Good luck

 

hugs*

 

shes* (wont let me edit)

 

Wow! I'm gonna start having problems with a woman, let 'em out here and await the warm fuzzies from all you adoring folks - telling me how great I am, etc. Getting past all that BS, Sandmander, your best advice is contained in your own long, second post where you address the problems very openly and speak about yourself in the role you have chosen, viz her. Go back and read it a few times, trying to understand it as a stranger (us) would. Then act in accord with it. Good luck, and don't get too big a head from all the adulation!

 

After reading your second post, it sounds to me like you have a ton of hang ups. My sense of humor is pretty dry and dark to, but I attribute that to me just having a chip on my shoulder, not to finding women uninteresting. And trust me, you would be surprised at just how light hearted and giggly I can get after getting laid.

Anyway, as far as your gf is concerned, it seems to me like she will never get over her issues with sex until, well, she starts having sex. If you ask me I think she is ready, and she wants to have sex. She wants to break down these walls that she has put up
out of fear. She wants to be liberated. She wants to enjoy herself. Practice makes perfect afterall. I think it is you that is not ready to take responsibility for her emotional state once you do start having relations with her. I think that, in your mind, you have made her out to be such a victim from all of her past sexual experiences, that you feel sorry for her, and that you don't want to feel as though you are using her or taking advantage of her. And believe me that is the last thing she needs.

You described her as having some pretty negative experiences with sex. She needs to experience just how positive and enjoyable sex can be. And I say the same for you. You sound as though you care for her alot. That should be enough to get things going.

 

Thanks for the responses once again.

Things are going very well for us. I am taking things 100% at her pace, but unfortunately this means that I will have to keep bearing the burden of rejection half of the time. This is simply due to her inability to initiate anything sexual. Half of the time she is receptive to my approach and responds in a clearly interested way, while the other 50% of my advances are turned down, as she is too tired, or just wants cuddling.

I will keep up everything I'm doing, knowing that in time our relationship will only grow stronger, but I just really wish sometimes that I didn't have this nagging feeling; a feeling that if I made no moves whatsoever and left the ball entirely in her court, that she would see it as a sign of my disinterest and instead of taking the initiative herself, just seek (potentially abusive) attention elsewhere.

No, I'm not that insecure. But she's been used to men telling her what they want, and then either taking it, or getting actively angry at her when she doesn't give in. I only bring this up because she said something that hit me in a weird way last night. She said that I sounded a bit like her ex boyfriend only he would actually get mad at her, whereas I talk things through until I no longer feel like anything is being swept under the rug. She hates talk, but I'm aware that bottling things up is way way worse in the long run. How can I keep her attention without turning into that type of man? I'm finding a decent balance right now, but I see no real way to directly help her take the initiative when it comes to sex aside from more time. I feel like the subtle (or not so subtle) hints I drop during the day (every few days) should be enough to get her excited to get into the bedroom and she seems to give direct signals back that she is liking the idea of heading in a sexual direction (winks, nudges, knowing smiles, rubbing, teasing). However, all too often she gives these signals and only wants quiet cuddling (which is FINE if her signals said "I can't wait to cuddle" instead of "I want to jump you and strip you naked the second we get in bed").

Sorry this turned into a rant. I'm doing okay, but I'm just not exactly experienced with girls with sexual/relationship baggage. It will be worth the time I'm putting in, for both of us. Thanks for helping me gain perspective and not fuck up this tender trust building period in our relationship by doing something stupid.


Edit: Just wanted to add this as I see the post previous this one. I will have intercourse when I am ready and when she is ready. I feel that she is not totally there yet, nor am I. A week ago or so I was told something by her that was very reassuring. She was on my floor, I was atop her kissing her face and neck and she just whispered "Sometimes I like you a thousand times more for not just wanting to have sex with me" followed by a giant smile and us both feeling a real closeness. I certainly do have some moral apprehension about actual intercourse, but believing it is a spiritual act as well as an emotional and physical one can't possibly be that wrong of an ideology. I'm doing the best I know how.