three years ago i got involved with a girl. she was loud and popular. in short the complete opposite of me; i'm very quiet abd am often intimidated my large groups of people. i was pretty gone on her and when she said she wanted to end things beacuse we were so opposite. i tried to tell her that i'd try to be more assertive but she said she didnt want me to change myself. after we split up, i kind of selfdestructed. i started self harming and was put onto antidepressants and was sent to a counsellor who was useless. it took near enough two years to get over that, two years which were the worst of my life - the drugs worked but left me feeling empty all the time. i started university about a month ago. i was looking forward to meeting new people and maybe meeting someone new. there is someone in my flat who i got really attatched to, in the same way as before, she is also very loud and popular. she showed interest and i thought we had something going and we got really close. however after a week or two she told me that she wasn't keen on commitment and wanted to be just friends as we were so different. i said i would try to something about it, but again she said she didn't want me to change myself. i'm frankly sick of myself and could do with changing. i just know exactly the same is going to happen as did two years ago. i've started cutting myself again and i can see what's coming. i thought i'd got over this years ago. i thought the antidepressants were supposed to stop this. i dont want my uni life to be ruined my this, but goingon what happened last time, it might well be. i want to do something about it but just cant. i can't afford to put my family and myself through all this again. but dont know what i can do to stop this. getting over her is impossible. i just dont know what to do. somebody please help.
Oh sweety, the medicine dose not stop the thought, the want, or the action of cuttting yourself. You sound like you don't want to do it, make youself stop for all the reasons to mentioned here. Those girls are going to fix you, and wanting to change for them is going to fix you. Maybe you should spend some time meditating on who you are, you are attracted to loud, popular, outgoing girls...maybe you envy those qualities in them. Try to answer you own questions, what happenes in large groups that intimidates you, do you enjoy being quite? You deserve better from your life and yourself. Once you get to a point where even the thought of suicide is not even an option, and the cutting is even further away than that...then maybe it will be time for you to try and connect with another in a romantic way. I think until you figure out who you are, which is ok not to know at this point in life you are just going to repeat this pattern with women destroying your heart and self esteem. Make your self happy with your self and the girls will come a' runnin!
I can identify with so much of what you're saying. I too am quiet and often intimidated by large groups of people, and also tend to fall for girls who are loud and outgoing, the opposite of myself, which has also resulted in me getting hurt by them very badly, and in turn, hurting myself, not just physically, but emotionally as well, which can be even worse. I was also prescribed anti depressants, but found that they actually made my overall mindstate worse than it was before and refused to take them. Not saying that you should do the same, because medication has a completely unique effect on each person on an individual basis, but perhaps you should consult with your doctor about it, if only for the sake of examining other options of treatment, because from what you are describing, they don't seem to be working very well. You said that the drugs have worked but have left you feeling empty all the time. Something I have come to believe over the years is that sometimes, it can actually be better to feel the pain of loss in all of it's heart shattering, soul crushing glory than to ignore it, conceal it, or pretend it doesn't exist, because as truly horrible as it is, it is real, and you will have to deal with it sometime, and even if you try to hide it from yourself, it is still there inside you and it is very real, and can have severely adverse effects on your life, without you even realising it. Again, I'm not saying that you should just stop taking your medication, because it very well may be helping you, but I think you should at least talk to your doctor about other possible treatments. I would also second MamaGooses recommendation for meditating. I felt suicidal for a long time and thought that I would never really enjoy life again, but taking up meditation and then martial arts (which is really just moving meditation) has actually brought about a profound change in how I see the world and has had an incredible effect on my life, and has been the single biggest factor in reversing my self destructive behaviors and giving me a renewed taste for life. While it may not necessarily have the same effects for you, I would think that it will at least do some good. Meditation is a great tool for building a stronger relationship with yourself, which is the foundation of any relationship you build with anyone else. "getting over her is impossible." While I would like to tell you that this is not the case, given my own personal experience and my own individual window into human existence, I would be lying if I did. I feel the exact same way about my ex girlfriend, but even if you are still unable to get over this girl, it doesn't mean that you can't still do the best you can with your life in the mean time and hope that things will get better some day. I wish you all the best and hope that things will change for the better for you soon.
As a cutter, i know that cutting seemslike the only way to deal with the pain that is raging inside. i too take antidepressants and, no, they won't take the urge away. i have found that the urges must be replaced with healthy distractions. listen to those above me. i use meditation to quiet the tempest in my head. i also use music, and jounaling, and art to get those feelings out. if you have a trusted friend to talk to that can be helpful. if you need some one to talk to about cutting, plese p/m me; i'll try to help. (hugs) hang in there.
