Hi all, I was wondering if I could get some feedback here. I'm not sure what to do. My parents have been together for 27 years and all of a sudden when my little sister moved out my dad decided to leave my mom. We thought that he was having a midlife crisis or empty nest syndrome or something, but regardless of what is causing it, quite frankly it is extremely fucked up. My father is an abusive alcoholic, needless to say I don't get along with him at all. He has beaten my mother into submission over the last 30 years, so now she is so brainwashed to believe that this is the person she should be with. Even if he doesn't want her. She loves him anyway. She makes me so damn angry. Not only does he physically abuse her but mentally as well. So he out of no where tells my mom that he is moving out, and goes and gets an apartment (even though his name is on the mortgage of their house) and proceeds to make plans to move this coming weekend. My mom has it in her head that she is just going to let him go, take on all of the responsibility of the house and the payments for everything and just let him go. And when he gets tired of what he is doing, he can just come home and they will pretend like nothing has happened. He will go back to abusing her and she will go back to being his slave, trying desperately to gain his attention and approval. I've been telling her since I was 5 years old to leave him and get a divorce, and she has refused. Now he wants a divorce and he is pushing her away and she still doesn't freakin get it! The whole time they were together, he has always pushed her away, both physically, emotionally, every which way possible. Always saying "get away from me". And she was always smothering him, up his ass, waiting on him hand and foot, taking his orders, never going anywhere or having friends or even talking to her family. I just don't get it. Sure I want my mom to be happy, but this isn't normal or healthy. I can't convince her otherwise. I have told her he is abusive to her and she is like "yeah, I know, but I love him". She doesn't listen to anything I say. She won't see a therapist, even though she hasn't eaten in two weeks. She won't talk to anyone about it. She won't get a lawyer and protect herself from him taking everything. She won't even change the bank accounts so he can't steal her money. Perhaps she is still in denial, but honestly I don't think she is ever going to snap out of it or change. I want more than anything for my mom to be happy, but I want her to love herself first, and I want her to find someone who deserves her, who will love and cherish her for who she is, not someone who wants a dog to kick around. Why can't she see that she is better off without him and move on with her life in a positive direction. I don't know what else to do. I'm getting fed up with both of them. I don't really talk to my dad (haven't since I was 16), so I don't really care what he does or what happens to him. However I am very close with my mom, and I don't want anything to happen to her. But she is driving me crazy with this. She doesn't want help from anyone who might be better able to help her because she is embarassed, but at the same time she wants people to feel sorry for her. I don't know what to do because according to her everything I say is wrong and I have no idea. Funny, I have already been through a divorce, as a matter of fact I did the whole thing myself, (I was the one who wanted out so bad I would have chewed my own foot off to get out of that). I'm in love now, as well and have been with someone for 3 years, if he ever ever treated me once the way my father has treated my mother for the last 30 years, I would be out the door in a flash without a second thought about him. So I do know what love feels like, I just won't put up with any shit from anyone, why does she do this to herself?
I'm not sure what the question was exactly? But! Your MOM is gonna be happier, your dad will. They both still love you both. Believe ME! That's why they stayed together so long. for YOU kids. Your father, simply doesn't get along with Mom. Besides. If he's the kind to hit a woman, Why should he be WITH one?
Thanks Matt, I guess I didn't really post a question. My question really is how do I help my mom to do what she has to do. She is in denial big time. I want her to get over it and move on. Most of all I want her to protect herself legally since he has already taken steps to protect himself. See the thing is my mom is super nice to everyone and my dad knows that he can manipulate her and take advantage of her, hell he did it for 30 years. I don't have any idea why my mom loves him or why she would want to be with him. The only thing I can think of is that she never knew anything different. She never had the opportunity to love or be loved by anyone else, and she equates his abuse with love. She doesn't know what real love is all about. And I guess for her at 47 it is easier for her to stay with someone she knows and is comfortable with. Even if he still hits her and hurts her. She keeps saying that he is welcome back and she won't divorce him, that he will have to divorce her, and she won't file a counter suit and she won't try to make him pay alimony, even though she is quite entitled. She won't even get his name taken off of their joint bank accounts, so if he wanted to, he could just go to the Mac machine and wipe her out (his paycheck is going elsewhere at this point). She refuses to get his name taken off of the mortgage, even though he is not making payments, meaning if they do go to court, he has rights to the house. She won't even talk to a lawyer to get real advice, she just keeps talking to stupid people at her work, who don't know shit. God I'm so pissed. Because then she tells me that I don't know what I'm talking about. How do I make her believe that I have her best interests at heart. She honestly thinks the only way she can be happy again is with him. I want her to be happy, I do, I just don't want her to get hurt in the process. I don't even care if they do get back together, I just want her to be protected. Any advice?
your mom was/is in a co-dependent relationship. she should really get some counseling or go to a co-dependency meeting. it is a disease for her the same way being an alcoholic is to your dad and in order to overcome either of those problems takes a lot of help and they have to realize they have the problem. i would just support your mom in things relating to starting a new life and stuff not to do with your dad. and really work on getting her someone to talk to. when you live in a disfunctional mind set like that for so long you don't know how to change your thoughts/behavior, and even when you realize you need to change you don't know what to change your behavior too because your 'normal' pattern is not normal. there are some really good books on co-dependency and i can't think of the authors/titles right now, but i will find them out and post them for you here tomorrow. good luck to you and your family
Thanks Salli, I have already told her to see a therapist or a doctor or someone. Her regular PCP told her to see one as well, because she broke down and started crying at her check up. She still refuses to see anyone. She refuses to do anything. She is in big time denial. I can't even talk to her right now because she refuses to listen to any sort of logic and all she does is yell at me. She wouldn't dare yell at my father though, whom she is truly angry with. She is driving my sister and I crazy at this point. She wants us to feel sorry for her and take care of her, but she won't take care of herself and do anything we have told her to do. I've been telling her since I was 5 that she needs to leave my father because he is a bastard, but she can't. She never will. She will chase after him forever. I was thinking of going to the library and getting some books for her, or hell even buying them for her, but most likely she won't read them. They will just sit there until they are due back. She refuses to believe any of this is happening. She still thinks that he is coming back. He signed a year lease, he isn't coming back. He wants nothing to do with her cause she is psycho. This is exactly why I left my ex. He was just like her. Needy, clingy, annoying and dumb. I love my mother I do, but she is not very intelligent, and she is too needy for my dad(or any other normal human being). She is up his ass big time I don't blame him for leaving her, I know why he might need more fullfilment in his life that she simply can't provide because she is not even close to his level. I just blame him for not doing it sooner for one, and for beating the shit out of her all of those years and for being a dick in general. I'm never going to talk to my father again, because we have our own issues (basically about me not living up to his ridiculous standards and him beating me), my mother I'm going to love and protect forever, but she has to do something to help herself. She has to believe that I want to help her before anything will happen because right now she is treating me like I'm the enemy simply because I told her to get a lawyer to protect herself and to talk to a therapist or something. She was going to Al-Anon meetings at her church, but she never continued with it because she didn't like what they were saying and she refused to believe that she needed to be there (that was at least 4 years ago). If she can't see the issues, no one can help her. I just wish I could show her.
